Part 2 (1/2)

31.The Safety/Overprotectiveness Debate Women's instinctive Lioness fears can produce a particular form of the ”he just doesn't get it” sentiment. Guys don't necessarily feel the same degree of overprotectiveness. Women have been known to become apoplectic because they think their husbands are too lax in the general health and safety categories of child minding. Certainly, the ”the baby needs a sweater, no, he doesn't” back-and-forth has raged in all of our homes. For Stacie and Ross, it's about checking (and rechecking and rechecking) the padlocks on the pool gates. For Julia and Gordon, it's about hosing down the boys with bug spray before they play in the Lyme-disease-carrying, deer-tick-infested woods behind their house. For Cathy and Mike, it's about the adequate application of sunscreen.

Why Do You Say Say Those Things? Those Things?

Our husbands are all terrific, but all three of them, in the early days of this parenting thing, returned home from the land of work, grown-ups, and tall lattes with helpful comments like, ”Why don't you just nap when the baby naps?” or (even better) ”My mom had kids. Your mom had kids.

Why is this so much harder for you?” Best-case scenario, these comments reduce a bathrobe-clad, unshowered new mother to tears. Worst-case scenario, they will be cited in divorce proceedings in the not so distant future. Until you have lived it, you can't understand it. And until you understand it, you'd do well to keep it to yourself, mister. We have big plans for you later in this chapter, so just sit tight and zip it.

Why Don't You Get Ga-Ga, Too?

Men don't have the Mommy Chip. They are not wired like we are. They don't care if the baby is getting a tooth. But it bothers us so much when they don't match us ”coo for coo.” A therapist we interviewed pointed out that a new mother can perceive any lack of enthusiasm by her husband for the baby as a lack of enthusiasm for her her: ”It works something like this-If I think you are rejecting the baby in any way, I think you are rejecting me. Or more accurately, I think you are rejecting both of us. There are few things more terrifying to a new mother than the fear that she will be left alone to raise a baby.”

32.We think this is why we drive our husbands nuts pointing out the tiniest little baby details. Deep down, women have an underlying fear that their husbands might not be fully invested in this nest and will just fly off and make another nest with another bird. Some of us worry that they are not spending enough time with the children, that they are not bonding. We want him to be as ga-ga as we are. By the second child, we realize that our husbands aren't going to bolt, so we don't get ourselves into a state when he doesn't notice that the baby has a new hat. First-timers, though, can drive themselves and their partners crazy.

The Pressure to be Supermom We put pressure on ourselves and try to live up to societal expectations about what a mother is supposed to do and be. The pressure so many women feel to reach superhero mommy status is one that we will revisit many times in this book. Societal expectations of Dads are still relatively low. As our friend Sean said, ”I'd hate to be a woman, because you guys have to do so much. I wash a fork and people say, 'good job!' ” Consequently, it's easy for men to dismiss our fears that we are just not going to be able to do it all, or do it all well. They tell us we are overreacting.

Admittedly, we can can get carried away. But a little more help and a little less advice would be better. get carried away. But a little more help and a little less advice would be better.

When we feel like our husbands don't get any of these things, we feel pretty justified in our complaining. We can start to sound like one of our kids' yammering toys pulling its own string-talk, talk, talk. Guys, we're simply looking for some empathy and a.s.sistance. But those aren't always easy to come by from you. It's hard to be a milk machine. It's hard to imagine how we'll go back to work when we can barely think straight.

It's hard to imagine having s.e.x again when we are larger, yet withered, shriveled versions of our former selves. We wonder, how how can you not understand this-at least intellectually? can you not understand this-at least intellectually?

Baby . . . Boom!

33.H OW M E N F E E L.

”One smile erases the strain of a whole week.”

-Dan, married 9 years, 2 kids ”Marriage was a breeze-having children was by far the biggest challenge I've ever experienced.”

-Tobias, married 5 years, 2 kids ”I was running on fumes when the baby was little. I remember almost breaking down when friends came over with breakfast one morning and asked how I was doing, because I felt like I was barely keeping it together.”

-Dean, married 8 years, 3 kids In many respects, upon becoming fathers, men don't feel all that different from women. They, too, feel great love and terrible fear. They, too, are overwhelmed and exhausted. But they react in a different way. And furthermore, they wonder, at times, if their lives, and their wives, will ever get back to normal.

Provider Panic ”I would stand over the crib and the first thought that would come into my head was: I better go make more money.”

-Jack, married 7 years, 1 kid Although men don't get obsessed about their babies, they do have their own internal hardwiring to contend with. Even if they are one half of a dual-income household, most believe that providing for the fi nancial well-being and stability of the family is their responsibility. Now, before anyone gets their feminist knickers in a twist, let's take a closer look at that statement. Cathy, who has always worked, had a visceral reaction to the idea that providing for their family was Mike's exclusive responsibility. As happened so many times in the course of writing this book, she went to him and asked, ”Is this how you really feel?” Mike told her that even though she is willing and able to provide for the family, ”the buck stops” with him. ”If we don't have enough money saved for the kids' college, that will be my failing. I will take that personally.” Mike's 34 34 sentiments resonated with many of our male friends. They described fatherhood triggering a sort of Provider Panic Provider Panic. This phenomenon often sparks a laserlike focus on work. Career and financial success become more important than ever. In those early months, women worry that the baby is not eating enough or not eating the right foods; men worry that they will not be able to put food on the table. (In many instances that is not a rational fear, but neither is ours that the crib mobile will fall on top of the baby during the night and kill her.) Men's compelling drive to provide can compromise their ability to see what needs doing (and sometimes even to enjoy what's happening) on the home front. There's no mental room for noticing the bottles need was.h.i.+ng because the male brain is already in high gear calculating college tuition payments.

Stepping Up to the Plate To their absolute and utter credit (and often to their own absolute and utter surprise), upon becoming Dads, men embrace their fatherhood in many wonderful ways. Many men described a ”this is it” feeling, ”it” being the big leagues, adulthood, the real deal. Gordon said, ”I fi nally felt like I just might pull it off, being an adult: the kind of guy who provides a good standard of living for his family, as well as a good father to our boys.

It feels really good, doing that.” Provider Panic has its upside.

Guys Also Feel the Love . . .

Like women, men, too, are rendered speechless by the enormity of the love they feel for their new babies. Some of them surprise both their wives and themselves with their newfound capacity for gentleness and sacrifi ce.

They are delighted by their new role as Daddy, especially when the baby looks like them (which it invariably does). Quite a few told us they cried for the first time in their lives. Ross remembers the morning when he fi rst felt a powerful connection to his daughter: ”It had been a long, sleepless night, and as I was rocking her to sleep, it happened. She smiled at me for the first time. It was one of the greatest moments of my life.”

Men's love for their newborns is of the low-burn variety, however, not the flaming vortex that engulfs their wives.

Baby . . . Boom!

35.Without doubt they love their babies, but they just fi nd them (dare we say it) a bit boring. We didn't hear of any men carrying baby blankets with them to work, or indeed finding it at all difficult to leave the baby for prolonged periods of time. Their bonding happens, but it just happens in a different way and on a different timetable.

”I'm just as excited as Paula is about little Avery. I just get excited about different stuff. Paula notices the day-to-day incremental steps. I'm more into the big-picture milestones . . . I'll be excited about getting her a bike, playing ball. I can't relate to the baby stuff.”

-Ben, married 5 years, 1 kid . . . And the Fear Fears about Survival An outgrowth of Provider Panic for many men is the ”if something should happen to me” game. Our friend Jonathan, who has lived in Man-hattan his entire life, described leaving the hospital after his son's birth and deciding to take a taxi home rather than the subway since it was late at night. ”For the first time in my life, I worried about taking the subway.

It suddenly seemed so dangerous. I couldn't let anything happen to me now that I had that tiny life dependent on me.”

Some men-sometimes willingly, sometimes begrudgingly-also hand in their hang-gliding, bungee-jumping, extreme-skiing cards as they realize the incompatibility of fatherhood and potentially fatal pursuits.

Fears about Losing Their Freedom ”Now that we have another baby, I feel somewhat trapped. If I want to do something on my own, I feel like I have to ask permission way in advance. I don't know why I even bother- more than likely she has some sort of family thing planned.”

-Gabe, married 6 years, 2 kids 36.”I used to play golf once a week. Now I'm lucky to play a couple of times a year.”

-Doug, married 5 years, 1 kid Many new Dads fear that life, as they know it, is over. They are expected to spend every spare moment with the baby and partake in only family-friendly pursuits. There is little time left over for themselves. As much as they love their babies, some worry that fatherhood amounts to a treadmill existence of work responsibilities, domestic responsibilities, and baby responsibilities. This is particularly acute in the early months when hanging out with a nonresponsive baby is about as much fun for them as watching the gra.s.s grow.

How They Feel about Their Wives ”What happened to the woman I married? She's turned into a complete control freak.”

-Vic, married 9 years, 1 kid ”I feel like the old dog and my wife just got a new puppy.”

-Brent, married 7 years, 1 kid My Wife Is Nuts Let us be clear that most men think that their wives walk on water during this stage. They are amazed by their selflessness and patience and sheer devotion. They say with absolute conviction that they could not do it themselves, no matter how nurturing a man they may be. That said, all men, it seems, at one time or another think that their wives go margin-ally insane after having a baby. There are a number of versions of ”my wife is nuts,” but they boil down to the following: She is obsessed. She is obsessed. She cannot stop thinking about the baby. She is consumed with unnecessary worry about the baby. She can't talk for three minutes about something else before returning to the topic of the baby. She cannot stop thinking about the baby. She is consumed with unnecessary worry about the baby. She can't talk for three minutes about something else before returning to the topic of the baby.

She is irrational. No matter what a fantastic job she is doing, she will regularly question her ability. She rarely asks for help. When she does Baby . . . Boom! No matter what a fantastic job she is doing, she will regularly question her ability. She rarely asks for help. When she does Baby . . . Boom!

37.expect him to help (e.g., asking him to get up to change the diaper in the middle of the night when she's nursing anyway), she can be downright unreasonable.

”My wife wanted to do everything herself. One night she was trying to breastfeed our son and he wasn't latching on. He just kept screaming. I suggested that she give him a bottle of formula. It was as if I had told her to give the baby a.r.s.enic. The crying got so bad I just went and made him a bottle of formula and fed it to him. He went straight to sleep. Problem solved?

No. Then she started crying because she thought she was an awful mother, and the fact that I had been able to shut him up made it even worse.”

-Chris, married 8 years, 2 kids ”It's like a case of misery loves company. It's like if my wife felt miserable, I had to be miserable, too. If she was getting up with the baby every couple of hours, well so should I. Why couldn't one of us get a decent night's sleep? Why do both of us have to be wrecked?”

-Anton, married 9 years, 2 kids She has forgotten about me. This is closely related to men thinking their wives are obsessed, but to men, it is a stand-alone form of insanity. This is closely related to men thinking their wives are obsessed, but to men, it is a stand-alone form of insanity.

”In my darkest moments I wondered if all she really wanted was a sperm donor. And now that I had served that purpose, was I being summarily dismissed?”

-Joel, married 10 years, 4 kids She is completely consumed with the baby. It seems that all she wants is an errand boy, diaper dispatcher, and bottle washer. When he doesn't do those things right, she gets furious. ”I thought she wanted me for my witty repartee, sensitive soul, and winning smile?” wonders many a Dad who has just been yelled at for his unseemly delay in fi nding the pacifi er.

Breastfeeding compounds the problem. Few men will admit it, but none of them are happy to see their former playthings become Junior's exclusive domain. Most b.r.e.a.s.t.s remain off limits while Mom is breast-38 feeding. (For the record, having a feeder and a groper is quite honestly more than most women can bear.) s.e.x is nothing but a distant memory.

For most men, the term ”baby blues” takes on a whole new meaning.

Beware the Gatekeeper Many men feel that their wives act as Gatekeepers Gatekeepers to the house and the children. Moms open or slam the gate shut at their whim. Dads are relegated to the sidelines. Some men said that they felt disrespected and quite detached from the whole process. At best, they have an a.s.sistant Mom role foisted upon them. to the house and the children. Moms open or slam the gate shut at their whim. Dads are relegated to the sidelines. Some men said that they felt disrespected and quite detached from the whole process. At best, they have an a.s.sistant Mom role foisted upon them.

”For three months she didn't let me take Ashley anywhere near the tub, then in month four, she bit my head off because I didn't know how to give her a bath.”

-Harry, married 11 years, 2 kids S O LUTI O N S FO R BOTH.

”I remember sitting on the floor of our baby's room, in tears as I talked to a friend on the phone. She promised me this stage would pa.s.s. I didn't believe her at the time, and I couldn't imagine how that could happen, but I clung to her words with a desperate hope for another few sleepless weeks, and sure enough, she was right.”