Part 1 (1/2)

Babyproofing Your Marriage.

Stacie c.o.c.krell.

O N E.

How Did We Get Here Here?

Parenthood Changes Everything ”I expected to add diaper, pacifier, formula to my new motherhood vocabulary-I didn't think f*!k and s#*t would feature so prominently!”

-Lisa, married 5 years, 1 kid ”What I get from other women is what I need, and that is help. I don't even have to ask other women for help, they just volunteer. What do I get from my husband? I get a sink full of dirty plates, a pile of dirty clothes on the stairs, and a child dressed for church in a football jersey.”

-Katherine, married 8 years, 2 kids ”My wife doesn't understand how important s.e.x is to me.

Everywhere I go, s.e.x is screaming at me. There are hot women in advertis.e.m.e.nts on billboards, and before I know it I fi nd myself imagining Gina down in Accounts Payable wearing a nurse's outfi t.”

-Thomas, married 11 years, 1 kid We are three women who love our children. We love our husbands, and they love us. Why on earth did we find ourselves so often at odds after the babies came home? Our pre-baby marriages were really good, maybe even great. So why weren't we talking the way we used to? Why were we bickering? Why were we so infuriated at our husbands' inability to fi nd the sippy cups? Why were our husbands distraught that our enthusiasm for s.e.x had dwindled to ”folding the laundry” levels? Were we normal?

Or was something seriously wrong?

2.Turns out we were totally, utterly (even slightly boringly) normal.

We figured this out because we started talking; first to each other, then to a handful of friends, and then, well, things got out of hand and we started writing a book about it. At that point, no one was safe. We ac-costed total strangers in checkout lines and captive fellow pa.s.sengers on airplanes. We talked to legions of women who, just like us, dreaded their husbands' Ten O'Clock Shoulder Tap Ten O'Clock Shoulder Tap.* They wondered what had happened to That Whole 50:50 Thing That Whole 50:50 Thing and why the lion's share of the domestic c.r.a.p was falling on their plates. We talked to countless men and learned that, like our husbands, they despaired that their wives had pulled a and why the lion's share of the domestic c.r.a.p was falling on their plates. We talked to countless men and learned that, like our husbands, they despaired that their wives had pulled a Bait and Bait and Switch Switch in the bedroom. They complained that no matter what they did to help with the kids, the house, and the bank balance, in the bedroom. They complained that no matter what they did to help with the kids, the house, and the bank balance, It Was Never It Was Never Enough.

Through all the talking, it became clear that most couples, no matter how happy and secure their marriage may be, find the early parenting years a challenge (on a good day) or even seriously relations.h.i.+p-threatening (on a bad day).

In fact, if you read the latest studies, you'd think we have a national epidemic of miserable parents on our hands. A well-publicized 1994 Penn State study said that, ”two-thirds of married couples report a decline in their marital relations.h.i.+p upon the birth of their children.”1 Ten years later, things hadn't improved at all. An August 2005 report from the University of Was.h.i.+ngton found the same thing.2 Most recently, a December 2005 study of 13,000 people published in the Journal of Health and Social Journal of Health and Social Behavior Behavior said parents reported being more miserable (”sad, distracted or depressed”) than non-parents.3 said parents reported being more miserable (”sad, distracted or depressed”) than non-parents.3 How did so many of us wind up here here? And, more importantly, can we do anything to avoid spending the next fifty years of our lives here here? Parenthood changes us, and our lives, so profoundly. It changes how we view ourselves and each other; what we need from and are able to put into our marriages. This book is about understanding these changes and how we react to them. At its heart, it's about keeping marriages on an even keel *Throughout the book, we use terms such as this one to capture a particular experience, sentiment, or frustration. Check out the Glossary for a complete list.

We've changed the names of all the people who shared their stories with us (for obvious reasons) but not what they said.

How Did We Get Here Here?

3.after the baby bomb arrives. It's about the simple things we can do to stay connected as a couple after we have kids.

So, What Is Is Going On? Going On?

During our intrepid journey of marital discovery we learned-much to our relief-that many of the b.u.mps couples might encounter along the way just can't be helped. The emotional, psychological, and lifestyle up-heavals that accompany parenthood are unavoidable. They're n.o.body's They're n.o.body's fault fault. We're not necessarily doing anything wrong.

Topping the list of things we just can't help is our DNA, or as we three aspiring evolutionary biologists like to call it, Hardwiring Hardwiring. It took having kids for us to realize that men and women are completely different animals and, as a result, we respond to parenthood in drastically different ways. Our genetically-programmed instincts are at the root of many of our modern-day frustrations. They affect our post-baby s.e.x lives, how we parent, and our relations.h.i.+ps with our families, often in ways we're not conscious of. Secondly, there's the inconvenient matter of planetary rota-tion. Our sixteen waking hours are not enough to do everything we have have to do, much less anything we to do, much less anything we want want to do. And finally, it doesn't help that most of us are to do. And finally, it doesn't help that most of us are Deer in the Headlights Deer in the Headlights. We're basically clueless about how parenthood will make us feel. An iron curtain of secrecy hides the reality.

No one, not even our own parents, will tell it like it is. (Remember those cryptic comments you heard before you had kids: ”Don't have a baby until you're ready to give up your life”? To which you responded, ”Huh?”) This Global Conspiracy of Silence Global Conspiracy of Silence means that most of us are ill-equipped to deal with the sea of change that a baby brings. No one prepares us for the means that most of us are ill-equipped to deal with the sea of change that a baby brings. No one prepares us for the Parenthood a.s.s-Kicking Party Parenthood a.s.s-Kicking Party.

To some extent, we new parents are at the mercy of millions of years of evolutionary biology, the twenty-four-hour day and pure ignorance.

These three factors set the stage for the various post-baby disconnects we'll describe in this book. Add in the facts that (a) we aren't very nice when we're tired and (b) we think we can get our lives back to the way they were before kids, and we can find ourselves facing some serious marital struggles. No matter how good our intentions are, most of us encounter some, if not all, of the following issues: [image]

4.Deer in the Headlights 1. How We Behave as Parents How We Behave as Parents. Those hardwired instincts we just mentioned, the ones we never knew we had, kick in when a baby arrives.

A woman's Mommy Chip Mommy Chip is activated and she gets compulsive. ”Is this sunscreen strong enough? Do we have enough bananas in the house?” is activated and she gets compulsive. ”Is this sunscreen strong enough? Do we have enough bananas in the house?”

Meanwhile, a man's first instinct upon gazing into the crib is Provider Panic Provider Panic: ”Gee, I better go make more money.” She thinks he just doesn't ”get it.” He wonders why she's turned into a control-freak, bottle-wielding shrew.

2. The Post-Baby s.e.xual Disconnect The Post-Baby s.e.xual Disconnect. His s.e.x drive doesn't change. She wants to shut down the factory while caring for the most recent offspring. To be honest, the three of us breathed a sigh of relief when we learned that ours were not the only marriages with some supply and demand issues. It was comforting to learn that like us, most women's libidos had also gone MIA after the kids arrived. Men, however, told us they still wanted s.e.x just as much as they always had, baby or no baby. We were amazed at the level of anguish men felt when they were rejected repeatedly by their wives. When we heard guys like How Did We Get Here Here?

5.Thomas say, ”It's humiliating and painful when you are rejected at your most vulnerable, when you're naked. And when that happens three times in a row, it's soul-destroying,” we rushed back to our own husbands to ask them if that a.s.sessment was accurate. Their response: ”AbsoF'nlutely.”

3. The Division of Labor The Division of Labor. It's hard work, and there's a mountain of it.

Dishes, laundry, feeding, changing, picking up toys, and keeping a job-every day is Groundhog Day. Not surprisingly, couples end up fighting about who does what, or rather who's not not doing what. We keep score. No matter how spectacular the doing what. We keep score. No matter how spectacular the Scorekeeping Scorekeeping, however (and the three of us have been fairly spectacular), no one wins.

”Am I supposed to gush over what a fine job he did emptying the dishwasher? What does he want, a gold star?”

-Leslie, married 8 years, 3 kids ”What's the score? Ha. The score is always zero zero when I walk in the door at the end of the day.” when I walk in the door at the end of the day.”

-Nick, married 7 years, 2 kids 4. Family (aka: The In-Laws and Outlaws) Pressures Family (aka: The In-Laws and Outlaws) Pressures. Before we have kids, our extended families, for the most part, stay on the sidelines of our marriages. Have a baby and it all changes. Our parents and in-laws all jockey for a piece of the kid action. Their desire to be involved is another evolutionary imperative; each set of grandparents wants to leave the biggest mark on the child for all posterity. And plenty of us cheer them on. We want to make sure that our families have as great, if not a greater, infl uence than our spouse's.

No matter how wonderful and helpful they are (and for the record, all of ours are fabulous . . .) balancing the time spent with, and the respective influence of, our extended families is a challenge for most couples. Meddlesome in-laws can provoke an ”If I have to spend one more weekend with them, I'm seriously going to hurt somebody”

response from even the most tolerant of spouses. And some of us infuriate our other halves with our exceedingly poor job of Cutting the Cutting the Cord Cord (”When Danny's mother is here, he turns into a complete lazy (”When Danny's mother is here, he turns into a complete lazy 6 6 a.s.s.” ”Why does my wife want to move back near her family all of a sudden?”) as we don the new and unfamiliar mantle of grown-up-with-kids-of-our-own.

5. Who Gets to Sleep In or Go for a Jog on Sat.u.r.day Morning? Who Gets to Sleep In or Go for a Jog on Sat.u.r.day Morning? Naturally, ”me time” takes a big hit after we have kids. We quite rightly give our children the time and attention they deserve, but doing so means the days are full and our tanks are empty. We often end up fighting over the precious sc.r.a.ps of free time that remain. Naturally, ”me time” takes a big hit after we have kids. We quite rightly give our children the time and attention they deserve, but doing so means the days are full and our tanks are empty. We often end up fighting over the precious sc.r.a.ps of free time that remain.

”I really resent that he wants to take off for five hours to play golf on a Sat.u.r.day, then he expects me to be oh-so-grateful because he watches the kids while I go to yoga for an hour. Big friggin' deal.”

-Jane, married 9 years, 2 kids When we don't find the time for the activities that recharge us, we get testy, and our spouse's habits-once ”cute and quirky”-become infuriating. A little bit of self-neglect can actually spell trouble for our marriages.

6. What Happened to Us? What Happened to Us? After kids, because we're so busy, it's easy to neglect our relations.h.i.+p. There are no more ”deep and meaningfuls.” After kids, because we're so busy, it's easy to neglect our relations.h.i.+p. There are no more ”deep and meaningfuls.”

Instead, it's ”time to make the donuts” . . . every single day. When we don't spend time together, our marriage can slip into Autopilot Autopilot. Destination: ”Who are you and what are you doing in my bed?”

”The people I know whose marriages are breaking up now have ignored their relations.h.i.+p like a houseplant that never gets any water.”

-Mark, married 11 years, 2 kids Ultimately, we all want what's best for our kids. We'll do pretty much whatever it takes to make them happy. Many of us, however, overlook the fact that a husband and wife's relations.h.i.+p is the linchpin of the a husband and wife's relations.h.i.+p is the linchpin of the family. When it falters, a child's world is unhinged. family. When it falters, a child's world is unhinged. We know that can seem counterintuitive when we're heading out for a date with one tod-How Did We Get We know that can seem counterintuitive when we're heading out for a date with one tod-How Did We Get Here Here?

7.dler clamped to our leg and another pleading for a bedtime story. But nurturing our marital relations.h.i.+p is central to our children's sense of security and happiness. Being a good spouse and a good parent are not mutually exclusive.

What Can We Do About It?

The dark, looming abyss that seems to separate us after we have kids is an impediment, but it is not insurmountable. We've learned that there are there are many things you can do to improve your relations.h.i.+p, and quite frankly, most many things you can do to improve your relations.h.i.+p, and quite frankly, most of those things aren't really all that hard of those things aren't really all that hard. This book will give you hundreds of suggestions, but we'll keep coming back to two essential points: A Little Action Goes a Long Way A Little Action Goes a Long Way This is good news, because ”a little” is usually all we have the time and energy for. Small, but strategic gestures (think of them as baby steps . . .) can transform a marriage, even one that is caught in a Vicious Cycle Vicious Cycle of low-burn resentment. of low-burn resentment.

”Basically, my first marriage failed because my first wife made it pretty clear that the kids were my replacement. She said that the kids needed her love more than I needed her.”

-John, remarried 20 years, 3 kids, 4 grandkids Some actions we suggest in this book you will have heard before (have a regular date night, get away together), but we're here to inspire you to actually Some actions we suggest in this book you will have heard before (have a regular date night, get away together), but we're here to inspire you to actually do them do them this time around because they can make a big difference. this time around because they can make a big difference.