Part 11 (1/2)

Finally, she lifts her gaze back up to mine, ”I hope I can stay on tour because I'd hate to cancel the remainder of it. My fans deserve to see what they paid for. Without them, I wouldn't be living my dream.”

Her honesty is blowing me away. I don't know who this Brittan is, but I'm liking her more and more by the minute. The Brittan I first met wouldn't bat an eyelash as she lied and said whatever she thought I wanted to hear. As long as it meant I would stop asking questions and leave her alone.

Reaching out I take her hand into mine, I pause a second to see if she'll pull it away. A smile curls up at the corner of my mouth when she doesn't.

”Tell you what; we'll keep last night's misjudgment between us. You have to promise me the next time you even think about getting high you will text me.”

I hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the a.s.s.

A look of shock flashes across her face, ”Are you serious?”

Nodding my head yes, I add one more stipulation, ”I think I should stay with you on the bus from now on, until we finish our tour to make sure you stay true to your word.” Before she can protest, I press my finger against her lip, ”Nah, ah, ah...one more thing, if there is a drop of c.o.ke hidden on this bus, I want you to go get and it so we can flush it down the toilet.”

Brittan stares at me for a few beats before falling back in defeat against the seat. ”Whatever. I suppose this bus is big enough for the two of us. It gets pretty f.u.c.king boring sitting around here by myself while we're driving. And for your other question...No, that was the last of my stash. There are no drugs, whatsoever, on this bus.”

I am a f.u.c.king genius.

Now that's what I call successfully thinking on your toes. I get to spend the next five and a half months living on this luxurious bus and hopefully spend the nights in Brittan's bed doing more than just sleeping.

I flash Brittan my best panty dropping grin and ask, ”So, where will I be sleeping?” As I roam my eyes around the bus before settling back on her.

Laughing, Brittan practically spits her latte across the table at me, ”You will be enjoying your evenings anywhere you want...but not in my bed.”

I can't help but be the one laughing now.

”We'll see about that.”

Tempt Me.

Brittan.

I don't know what I was thinking agreeing to allow Jordon to move onto my tour bus. This spells disaster for me in big bold freaking letters!

I don't know what he told his bandmates, but I bet it went something like, ”Yeah Brittan is addicted to my c.o.c.k, so she wants me on her tour bus as her personal s.e.x slave.”

Men.

Total douches.

I am grateful my slip up isn't ending with my a.s.s back in rehab. I was beyond stupid last night getting high, but hopefully with Jordon around he'll help me stay on track and regain my strength to stay sober.

To be sober, you have to want it. I know I need to stay away from c.o.ke, but the cravings can become overwhelming. The only way I can stay clean is by wanting it more than I want anything else, even music. I truly want to be the girl I was before addiction took over my life.

I'm trying to block out the major meltdown and the overwhelming feelings that consumed every inch of my body as Jordon held me while we slept last night. The dream I had of Cane was so vivid that it just keeps replaying in my head today.

My band members will be happy because my creative juices are flowing, and I have been inspired from all the s.h.i.+t I've been dealing with lately. My notebook is now full of new lyrics. Last night alone I wrote four songs that I think will blow them away.

I have my iPod on full blast as I scribble new lyrics in my notebook. I'm trying to distract myself from my thoughts that keep wondering back to Jordon. It's not easy to do when he's sitting on the couch across from me playing video games.

We're on the road heading from Phoenix to Salt Lake City, Utah. Our next show is there in two days. It'll be nice to have some down time before our next concert. Staying at a hotel will be fantastic; I am sick of staring at the walls of this bus.

Plus some distance between Jordon and I will be good.

I feel like any second my body is going to overpower my brain and pounce on Jordon. We've spent the entire day trying to ignore the s.e.xual tension brewing between us, but it's beginning to become impossible.

I walked into the kitchen this morning and found him sitting at my table with breakfast and coffees, sporting the biggest smile as he raked his eyes over every inch of me. I was wearing only a t-s.h.i.+rt and boy shorts. Since then, I've felt this overwhelming feeling that when I'm around Jordon, I'm laid bare before him. He sees deep inside me, exposing everything about myself without speaking a d.a.m.n word.

Flyleaf's, Fire Fire is playing, and the beat is over taking me. It inspires me to write the next line of lyrics as they pour out of me. Ever since last night, I've had this song bouncing around inside my head about Jordon but I've struggled to get it out. Now after fighting with myself all day the lyrics are coming to me faster than I can write them down.

Eyes see straight into my soul, Exposing all the secrets I try to hide, What you don't know is my sadness is like a poison, As deadly as a loaded gun.

Save me from the evil inside of me, Poison, poison destroying everything I see!

You see the real me I hide so deep, Behind the fake smile are tears of pain, Exposed to you I show my scars, Pain locked behind steel bars.

Save me from the evil inside of me, Poison, poison destroying everything I see!

Guilt is eating away at me, I'm ashamed of what I've become, Wounds wide open exposed to you, For you, I try to become something new.

Save me from the evil inside of me, Poison, poison destroying everything I see!

Save me from the evil inside of me, Poison, poison destroying everything I see.

You see straight through the wall so high I'm afraid of what you see (I'm ashamed of all my lies) Crying for the girl I use to be (Falling from the clouds I come cras.h.i.+ng back down) Fighting until I reveal my truths (My escape is no longer getting high) I now get lost in those eyes (The ones that see through all my lies) Setting my pencil down, I decide to take a break from writing. I love the song I just wrote but at the same time I'm scared to record it. It's the first song I've written about a man other than Cane. It terrifies me how Jordon can see through every boldfaced lie I try to reveal.

He pushes all of my b.u.t.tons and breaks down my walls, all at the same time.

I sit biting on the inside of my cheek as I watch Jordon. Everything in me is screaming to walk across the bus and dive on his lap, sealing my lips against his. He's lying there in his jeans and no s.h.i.+rt, lost in his video game, while I sit here and imagine doing all kinds of dirty things to him.

I am torn with what I want. It's driving me insane, this constant battle with myself.

We have five and a half months left of this tour, so getting involved with him poses a major risk. I'm afraid if I open myself up to him I'll end up destroying the little part of me that is left. My mind says he is a rock star whose career is just taking off. He won't want to settle down, so a bed buddy would be the perfect relations.h.i.+p for us both.

G.o.d! Why does life have to be so d.a.m.n complicated?

Standing, I plop down beside him and laugh to myself as he turns and locks those beautiful blue eyes onto mine and gives me a questionable glance.

I swear I could write a hundred songs just about those d.a.m.n eyes! I seriously have issues. Out of everything about Jordon from his perfectly chiseled jaw line, nicely defined muscles, awe inspiring tattoos, the one thing about him that sends me drowning in a pool of desire is his freaking eyes!

”You wanna play?” He asks shaking his controller at me.