Part 10 (1/2)
I shake my head no and step back away from his grasp, ”I'm fine, just not feeling well. I think I drank too much. Goodnight.” I say over my shoulder as I head down the hallway towards the exit.
I can't be around him right now. My head is on the verge of exploding, and I don't want to look like a total lunatic.
As soon as I step outside in the crisp night air, I am able to breathe my first deep breath. My lungs ache, and my head is filling with voices of my past, causing me to feel like I'm on the verge of another breakdown.
Kicking my heels off, I hold them in my hand and run towards my bus needing to lock myself away from everyone and everything.
Staggering onto the bus, I ignore the pain in my feet from running barefoot over the asphalt. I quickly get to work tearing my bathroom apart. My manager and sponsor would kill me if they knew I hid c.o.ke on my tour bus. No one would ever think to look inside a box of tampons. I've had the c.o.ke in there in case of a rainy day since my last tour.
They tore my entire bus and house apart while I was in rehab. Thankfully for me, they never discovered the last vile I had inside the box.
The urge to get high is overwhelming.
I've been sober for so long, but I am not strong enough. I think for a moment; maybe I should dump it out and call my sponsor, but as quickly as the thought pops in my head I shake it away.
I can't take the everyday pain. It's too hard. I miss Cane too much, and everything with Jordon is just f.u.c.king with my head even more.
I knew the night I met him I was playing a dangerous game, but I ignored the waving red flags, and I gave into him anyway.
As I grab the vial of c.o.ke from under my bathroom sink. I feel a rush of adrenaline course through my veins, and my body s.h.i.+vers with the excitement of doing a line.
Climbing back to my feet, I go to my bedroom and grab my purse, and dig out a hundred dollar bill. As I spin around to grab my magnified mirror, I see him. I see Cane again.
”You can haunt my a.s.s all you want! I don't f.u.c.king care anymore; I'm finally admitting I'm not strong enough to deal with not having you. So if I need to be high to get through the f.u.c.king day...that's what I'll do!” I yell to the image of Cane that haunts me, but in reality I'm actually yelling at nothing. Like a crazy a.s.s lunatic.
Tears are falling down my face as I pour a line on my mirror and dig out a debit card to cut it into two thin lines. Rolling up the bill, I hold it to my nose and quickly snort the first line. Tipping my head back, I savor the feeling of peace that takes over my body. My nose is tingling and numb. I can taste the c.o.ke in the back of my throat.
My entire body feels like it's coming alive and floating off of the floor.
I can hear Cane's voice in my head diminis.h.i.+ng, and relief washes over me. Leaning down, I snort the next line. Rubbing my hand across my nose, I wipe away the c.o.ke residue and pad across my room turning on my iPod. I crank it up as loud as it will go, blast Imagine Dragons, and fall back onto my bed.
The room is spinning, and I feel each note of Bleeding Out vibrating in my skull. When I'm high, music always sounds a thousand times better. I not only hear it, but I feel it too.
My body is humming with energy and I feel the need to get up and move. Climbing up onto my bed, I bounce around on it, singing my heart out along with the music blasting throughout my tour bus.
I spend the next hour singing and writing new music. I forgot how inspired I get when I am high. s.h.i.+t, every number one song I wrote on our last alb.u.m, I wrote while high on c.o.ke.
Why the h.e.l.l did I ever stop?
Ohhh right, because I was a dumba.s.s and overdosed.
Lying on my mountain of pillows; I roll over, grab my cell phone and hit play. I smile as I watch a video of Cane and me running around in the ocean in front of our condo. Roxie had recorded it. I love how she caught us in such a happy and carefree moment. I lay there for what feels like an eternity watching every video I have on my phone.
I slowly feel my high wearing off, and the all familiar feeling of depression begins to take over.
”Brittan. Why are you doing this?” I snap my eyes up to the foot of my bed where I see Cane standing staring down at me with sadness in his eyes.
I let out a small sob as I take in his tall, tanned and toned body. He's still the most handsome man I've ever seen.
Trying to fight back the tears, I answer him honestly, ”Because I don't have you. I can't deal with life Cane; it's just too hard. Getting high is my only escape.”
A tear falls from his eye and slowly zig-zags down his face.
It's like a sucker punch to my gut.
I scurry up onto my knees and crawl to the end of the bed and cautiously reach out to touch the tear, and wipe it away.
”Don't cry, please. I've cried enough tears to last us both five lifetimes.” My words are weak and defeated.
I don't care if he is a figment of my imagination; I'm just happy to see him. I get high to try to block him out of my head. But every time I crash back down from that high, I'm hit with the cold hard reality that I'd take him any way I can have him.
”I love you so much, Cane. I am so confused. I don't know what to do.”
Wrapping his arms around me, he pulls me in for a hug and presses kisses to the top of my head. ”This about Jordon?” He asks, causing my heart to slam fiercely against my chest and my entire body to become rigid.
”Shhh. It's okay, baby. It's totally normal to be feeling this way about him.”
I cut him off as I speak through my tears, ”It's not okay. My heart only belongs to you, and I want to get Jordon out of my head. I don't want anyone but you.”
Rubbing my back, Cane whispers into my hair, ”Brittan, I love you...but it's time to let me go. I'll always wait for you no matter how long it takes, but I need you to be happy. Doing drugs, and having s.e.x with complete strangers; that's not the woman I fell in love with. You deserve to be happy.”
For the first time, I am not lying. I am honest with myself and Cane as I speak my deepest fear out loud, making it real, ”I'm afraid that if I allow myself to love again, I'll forget about you.”
Cane lets out the sweetest laugh as he holds me tighter, ”Baby, you'll never forget about me. Your heart is so big and so full of love. You have more than enough room in it to love me and someone else. You deserve to feel what it's like to love again and to be loved.”
Looking up at Cane, I try to protest but as I do he begins to disappear. I hear someone yelling my name and look around, but see no one.
”Brittan, wake up!” I hear what sounds like Jordon.
I snap my eyes open and find that I've been asleep. I blink a few times and rub my eyes that are damp with tears, and look up to see Jordon sitting on my bed beside me. He looks worried.
Rolling to my side, I lick my lips, and swallow a few times because I suddenly have the worst cotton mouth of my life. I feel something hard under my side and realize I'm lying on my old cell phone.
I must have fallen asleep while it was playing. I was exhausted from the concert. Then of course, I burned all my energy off bouncing around my d.a.m.n tour bus while floating on cloud nine.
Cane's words from my dream keep echoing in my head as I stare up at Jordon...You deserve to feel what it's like to love again and to be loved.
A look of relief settles over Jordon's face and his eyes soften. He slides his hands over my cheek giving me a weak smile, ”You were crying in your sleep.”
I close my eyes, wiping the tears from them before looking back up at Jordon, ”I was dreaming about Cane.” My words come out hoa.r.s.e as my voice cracks and tears threaten to come again.
It shocks me that I was honest with Jordon. Normally I'd brush it off as nothing.
Without saying another word, Jordon climbs onto my bed and lies beside me. I snuggle into his chest and listen to the sound of his heartbeat against my ear. I slowly inhale the scent of his cologne which surprisingly soothes me. For the first time in eight years, I lay in bed with a man and just sleep. It feels strange, but also right, all at the same time.
Here for You.