Part 3 (2/2)
I don't even want to think about how many others he's had to break this news to.
My head is spinning as my mind tries to process this.
Images of Cane walking up beside me all those years ago on that Fourth of July night play like a movie over and over in my mind: I remember his carefree smile and contagious laughter as he sat down beside me to watch the fireworks finale.
He took my breath away with just one look and stole my heart all at the same time. Now he's taken it with him forever.
I'll never see that smile again...never hear his laughter.
My knees go weak, giving out beneath me as I fall onto the floor. Kneeling on the hardwood, I lay my forehead against it as I scream out for Cane.
This isn't real.
This is a nightmare, and all I want to do is wake up.
Please, just let me wake up!
”Cane...Cane...not my Cane!” My body is shaking as my sobs tear through me. My throat burns and my lungs ache.
I welcome the pain.
I hear Roxie speaking to the two men in front of me, but whatever they're saying, I don't process; I can't process. My ears are ringing and are filled with the sounds of Cane echoing through them, repeatedly saying, ”I love you, Brittan Nicole McKenna, one day you're going to be my wife.”
My head is haunted by these words that I've wished for so long to come true...and now will never happen.
January 20th 2006.
Lying in my bed feels emptier than it ever has. I have barely slept more than two hours a night since I got the news that Cane was dead. I am constantly tormented with nightmares, some of Cane dying and I'm trying so badly to get to him and save him. They always end with me waking up screaming out for him.
Some nights I have good dreams, the kind you never want to wake up from. On those nights, I dream about him so vividly that they feel real, causing me to wake in a daze frantically searching for him. After searching every inch of my house in the dark and yelling out to him, reality hits me like a semi-truck reminding me that he isn't here and never will be again.
Those are the nights I wish I could stay asleep forever just so I can be with him.
Rolling onto my side, I curl up into a ball, grip my comforter and pull it up over my head as I try to drown out the voices in my head.
Since the day Cane died, I've been haunted with the voices of our past conversations. It doesn't help that I've been lying in bed for days, just listening to his voice mails on my phone over and over, and watching videos we recorded on my cell of us on the beach, or out on the boat.
Closing my eyes, I beg for the pain to go away. I just want to wake up and find Cane lounging in my living room, drinking a beer and watching basketball.
The sadness is unbearable....all consuming.
Grabbing my iPod, I crank the volume up as loud as it can go and get lost in the sound of Breaking Benjamin singing, Breath as I try to block out the world and quiet the words I can't get out of my head... ”I can't wait to make you my wife.”
I broke down a few days ago when Roxie called my wedding planner to inform her that the wedding was canceled, and we no longer needed everything we'd reserved. Informing everyone that the wedding was not taking place only finalized Cane's death, and I would never be married.
Cane is really gone forever.
His funeral is today, and I just can't find the strength to get out of bed and get dressed. I feel that once I bury the love of my life, the last bit of strength I have left will die at the grave-site and be buried alongside Cane forever.
Someone rips my blanket off of my head scaring the s.h.i.+t out of me. I snap my eyes open to find Roxie standing beside my bed with a paper bag from my favorite bakery and two coffees.
Plucking my earbuds out, I sit up against my headboard, ”G.o.d, Roxie, thanks for giving me a f.u.c.king heart attack!”
Rolling her eyes, she plops down on the bed beside me, shoving a coffee in my hand. ”I kicked on the d.a.m.n door so hard I thought I was going to bust it in, and your a.s.s wouldn't get out of bed to open the d.a.m.n thing for me!” Pausing she takes a sip of her coffee and watches me like a hawk as I nibble on my sugary pastry before continuing, ”So, you deserve the heart attack I just gave you. Now drink your coffee and eat this apple turnover I got you, because you need your strength today.”
I rest my head on her shoulder and in between bites mumble, ”Thank you.” Two words that speak a thousand unspoken words to my best friend. As I chew my turnover and sip my coffee, I silently sob while we sit on my bed in complete silence.
Today is going to be the hardest day of my life, and there is no one I'd rather have by my side to help me get through it.
The air is cool and damp; it's rained off and on all morning making the cemetery smell like wet, cut gra.s.s and fresh crisp air. I have Roxie, Matt and Dalton on one side of me, my parents on the other side and Cane's mom and dad are seated beside Dalton. We're all sitting in the first row of chairs in front of Cane under a big white tent.
The cemetery is packed with friends, family, school mates, military friends, even teachers and coaches. Cane touched so many lives in the short time he was on this earth.
The second my eyes landed on Cane's casket with the American flag draped over it; my knees gave out, and Matt and Dalton had to practically carry me to my seat.
I'm trying so hard to keep it together, but I don't think I can hold it in much longer. Last night was Cane's wake, his mother and father as well as a few friends, and I said a few words to everyone who attended. I only made it halfway through my speech before breaking down and needing Roxie to join me on the podium to continue it for me.
My eyes ache, and my face is blotchy from all the broken blood vessels. I've never cried for so long and so hard in my entire life. I feel as if I shouldn't have any more tears left to cry, but they continue to fall as if they'll never stop.
I hear the Chaplain speaking, but the words sound hollow as if they're off into the distance. All I can focus on is the casket before me, where the love of my life is.
Cane died a hero and doing what he loved...defending our country. But it doesn't make my loss any easier to understand.
The soldiers begin firing off the riffles for the salute to Cane. Each time the bullets leave the gun barrels, the blasts cause me to jump and low sobs to escape me.
As soon as the bugler begins playing Taps, I lose what little strength I have left, let myself go and allow the dam to break. I drop my head into my hands and begin sobbing uncontrollably.
I can hear the faint sound of Janice crying a few seats down from me. I can barely look at her or Terry. It's so hard because when I see their faces they reflect back to me what I'm feeling.
Roxie wraps her arm around me while my mother gently runs her fingers through my hair, ”I'm so sorry, honey.” My mother murmurs against my shoulder as she tries to comfort me.
My parents feel helpless. They loved Cane as if he were their own son. When I told them he had pa.s.sed away my mother broke down, and my father needed his s.p.a.ce to grieve. He locked himself in his office for the remainder of the evening.
Spinning my engagement ring, I watch as the Casket-team begins folding up the flag before handing it off to the Chaplain. I watch with blurry eyes as he makes his way over to present the flag to me. I was shocked when I learned that Cane put me down as his next of kin instead of his parents.
Hugging the flag against my chest, I drop my gaze back down to the ground. The wind is picking up, causing a chill to settle over my body and goose b.u.mps to cover every inch of me.
One by one, we each step out from under the tent and approach Cane's casket taking turns to lay a single red rose on top of it. Each step feels like an eternity as I make my way over to him. I'm squeezing the stem so hard I'm surprised that it hasn't snapped in half.
Stopping beside his casket, I rest my palm against the cool polished dark wood, and lean down to rest my forehead against it where Cane lies inside. I press my lips to the cold hard wood, ”I love you, always. I refuse to say goodbye.....” A sob tears through me, causing my entire body to shake and my lungs to burn as they scream for me to fill them with air. I let out a slow, shaky breath and whisper, ”So I'll just say I'll see you soon...”
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