43 20.2: Stars and Geometry (1/2)

'forests, oceans and skies hold copies of our souls for us to come find when we do not feel whole`

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Finding the attic was no easy thing. The house is small and every bit of space is maximally optimized with something or the other. So it is very stuffy and it makes sense, giving the number of people it houses.

Tobias doesn't need to use the hook to yank down the ladder leading to the attic. He just tiptoes.

I climb up and once I'm inside William's 'room', I look down at Tobias who's holding onto the ladder's bannister, ready to climb when;

”Will? Is that you?”

My eyes widen and Tobias freezes momentarily as a woman, William's mother, ambles into the hall, hugging her white, silk robe to her. She rubs her eyes and stares at the ladder that Tobias has pulled down.

”Come on!” I whisper for some reason, and Tobias snaps out of his daze and quickly climbs up the steps. I make space for him as we both stare down at the woman, not knowing what to expect.

With a yawn, she slightly shrugged and pushed the ladder up to its place. I sighed heavily in relief.

”We almost gave her a heart attack-” I say and Tobias shakes his head.

”She almost gave us a heart attack.”

Remembering my purpose, I shuffle to my feet and take in the surprisingly neat room. Last time I was here, it was disgusting. The bed is made, the desk is organized, the closet is fixed, with no clothes popping out of it, and the window is wide open.

No William.

”Can I understand what we're doing here?” Tobias then stops me from studying the room to give him my attention.

”William. I want to check up on him,” I say. ”It's weird he's not here-”

”Why?”

”It's his room. He's had it hard,” I say, not going into the details. It won't matter a year/cycle from now, for him.

Tobias nods slowly, catching my eyes. ”You good?”

”As good as I can be.”

Tobias sighs. ”So we're getting back down and risking waking his mom again?”

”Looks like-” I start but get suddenly interrupted by a heavy 'thump' from above. Dust trickles down from the ceiling/roof cracks and remains suspended in the air. Surprisingly, Tobias sneezes.

I look at him like he's done an alien thing.

”I was/am allergic to dust,” he tells me.

I look up again. ”Do you think this thing is going to collapse?”

When I don't get a response, I look at Tobias to find his body's upper half out of the window. He's looking heavenward, his hair softly dancing with the breeze coming from outside. He gets back inside with a surprised look.

”I don't think so. Your William is on the roof,” Tobias says and I lift my brows.

”How the hell are we gonna get there?” I ask incredulously, crossing my arms across my chest.

”We climb,” Tobias smiles and I frown at him.

”Alright, you seem to be missing an important detail here,” I say. ”My bodily dimensions cannot allow me to 'climb'-”

Tobias scoffs. ”I'll help you up.”

I scoff. ”No-”

”What's the worse that can happen?” He asks me. ”You die?”

Having no answer to that, I sigh heavily and walk to the window, past him.

Climbing to the roof wasn't that complicated.

I stood on the windowsill with Tobias holding onto my ankles in case I lost balance. I stretched my arm and blindly reached for a ledge through which I can uphoist myself. And that's what I did. With a little push from Tobias, I helped myself over the roof, regardless of how hard my dress made it.

The roof is steep and I have to crawl to get to William, who lies down a few metres away from me with a book in his hands and a flashlight by his side, his feet supported against one of the pipes surrounding the house's framework.

I look up to the starry night and suddenly wish I was alive to witness this beauty first-hand. A few groans later and Tobias is crawling by my side, staring at William before marvelling at the sky.

”So what's up with history guy?” He asks me and I sigh, bringing my knees to my chest.

”It's just horrific how my death has impacted so many lives, you know?” I say. ”How I've created a dead murderer, a bully, a victim, and everything in between.”

Tobias says nothing as he stares at me in deep focus, the streetlights illuminating his hazels and 5'oclock shadow.

”Sierra is a murderer because I let her get to me and killed myself. Joshua turned into a bully after everything he's been through; abuse, death of his loved ones, taking the fall for my suicide. He just broke and I have no right to be disappointed. I helped in the emergence of that dark side of his. And the recipient seems to be William,” I lift an arm toward him and sniff. ”I left my family with an empty void, a traumatic experience. My death was a catastrophic form of the ripple effect and I'm standing amidst it all.”

Tobias lies down completely like William, props his elbow and stares at me as I speak what's in my heart's heart.

”And I'll never fully know the fate of every and each one of them. At least for now,” I say. ”They'll forever be incomplete stories that'll take cycles to be. I'll never know what'll happen to William,” I say sadly. ”I don't know if he'll fight back or succumb to his doom and off himself like I did. I don't know if I've created another suicide case and I'm scared to face that in the next cycles. I never ever thought that my death could influence others that way.

”And now the night sky is so beautiful and I wish I was alive and not dragging so many people into this,” I tell the stars miserably. ”I wish I had chosen to leave a different impact on people's lives. Because I know what it feels like to be someone's last straw,” I speak of William. ”I know how it feels like when it's taken away from you. I know how it is like when you're holding back all your demons because of this one person you're counting on to be there. I just never imagined I'd be that straw for so many people-” I cry.