39 19.1: Safe Haven (2/2)

”Why don't you tell me what you would've written?” I come back at him, ignoring his bold statement.

Tobias stares at me unwaveringly. ”Don't you know?” I am completely disarmed.

”Alright, never mind-”

Tobias straightens up and smiles, still watching me closely. ”You wanna be praised, it's okay,” he teases. ”I mean, that's what I've been doing since...forever.” I'm about to argue when he holds up his finger to stop me. ”I have a letter to recite and no time to fight.”

”Okay, please, I know it's difficult, but please try not to make it cheesy-”

”But letters are literally mozzarella sticks,” he argues and I chuckle. ”Okay,” he inhales deeply before faking a cough and clearing his throat. ”To my Rose-” He lifts his brows playfully. ”-it's been a pleasure and a great honour to be the one who ′teaches′ you all about this hell hole,” he says and I smile. ”You, you,” he blinks at me and sighs heavily. ”You are that light at the end of the tunnel, you know? A light that I'll eventually turn blind to when I forget you,” he says. ”But a light, nevertheless.”

I look into my hands as he takes a loud pause.

”That's it,” he says, and I sharply turn my head to him.

”That's it?” I ask, and I'm more disappointed than relieved. It worries me. Tobias' pupils dilate almost extraordinarily.

”If it saddens you then there is more,” he tells me quickly and I almost believe I can feel the warmth this spilt over my 'anatomy'.

”It doesn't sadden me,” I say softly. ”I don't think anything you can do will ever sadden me, Tobias.”

Tobias shakes his head. ”I'm sorry. I hate this.”

I blink. ”I hate it too.”

”No, you don't understand,” he tells me. ”I hate that this is it. That there's no time to complain about it. I just wish things were different-” The way he sets his gaze on me makes me want to cry. ”I wish I was alive, without this mountain of pain on my shoulders and with your smile as my forever and only safe haven.”

I find it difficult to keep looking in his glassy eyes. I find it difficult to keep suppressing and suppressing my emotions as if they don't exist. They shouldn't exist.

”I need to leave this letter somewhere,” I say as Tobias blinks himself to reality.

”Yes.”

”Should I leave it in his pants' pockets?” I ask, pretending that my every heart cell isn't tearing me up inside. ”Or-or should I find a rock and leave it somewhere?”

Tobias seems to understand what I'm doing as he silently stares. ”Somewhere.”

I get to my feet and his eyes follow me. ”I should leave it on this bench,” I say. ”It's where we used to sit-”

I then walk toward the shore, my hands clenched and my vision blurring as I keep reminding myself that I'm looking for a rock. A rock. You're looking for a rock, I keep telling myself as the blue of the sea shook hands with the mauve of the sky, the white of the sand and the gold of Benji's fur. A perfect mix I can see through the eye lens of my tears.

My breaths leave my mouth in a hurry that's not fast enough because I have to be quiet. I have to be quiet, to shush and look for a rock. A rock to leave behind my suicide note. A rock, a rock.

I randomly drop to the sand, my knees abnormally bent beneath me as I pretend to scatter around the sand in search for a rock. I pretend that, to give all the previous events the chance to catch up on me and drag me down.

And maybe, I realize, I more than care about Tobias and it mortifies me.

I shiver with the attempt to suppress my sobs as my fingers wrap themselves around a rock, forming a fist. I bring my fist to my chest and double over, my forehead kissing the sand in a very inelegant manner. My hair cascades around me like an umbrella of things it's protecting me from as the sun rays infiltrating through it almost blind me.

But I don't think they can be more blinding than my tears.

I hear my name and straighten up to desperately stare at Tobias whose lips are parted in shock. My face might as well be a crime scene to him.

He approaches me and drops on the sand in front of me before reaching for my face and tilting my chin towards him. A breeze ruffles through his hair and I further clench my hand, imagining my heart there.

”Why do you keep running away?” He asks.

”Because I have to,” I tell him, suddenly sounding like my heart. I hate how my heart sounds like. ”Because I'd hate to make a memory with you that would later have no title in my head. Please. This is awful. There will be cycles that I'll spend all alone. We can't-”

Tobias is shaking his head as if he can't catch up with all I'm throwing at him. As if he's begging me please, to slow down on his heart.

”I'm sorry you feel this way,” his pink lips whisper as mine quiver.

”We have to let go,” I say. ”We have to let go. Maybe, Tobias, I've been thinking that we should say our goodbyes-”

Tobias' eyes are bloodshot as they pore holes into me. ”Goodbyes?”

”Yes,” I grab his hands and stare into his eyes. ”I don't want you to just drift away without closure. I want- I want to make sure I've said everything, that this forgetting thing is on my terms-”

”You'd rather spend our last days weaving goodbyes we'll forget rather than just trying not to hurt each other more?” Tobias says as if offended. ”Why are you eager for the heartache?”

I shake my head and swallow my breath away. ”Listen, no,” I tell the disappointment in his voice. ”I'm so scared.”

Tobias eyes me carefully, his hair glistening weakly with the sand grains entangled in it. ”I don't expect anything, Rose. Please, don't worry about this. Don't be scared. I know what I said in Paris might be pressuring you, but love, please, ignore it all-” He tells me fast and I wonder, I wonder, how can someone ignore something so profoundly wrong?

”It's all my fault-” He then says defeatedly, his fingers absently sifting through the sand.

”Your fault-?”

”Yes,” he sighs sadly. ”I didn't tell you that we're bound to forget each other anyway. And for that, for that additional heartache, oh love, you have no idea how sorry I am-” He says, his eyes welling up.

And I cry at that. I cry as he wipes my tears, looking apologetic. He doesn't know. He doesn't know that the damage is already done.

He doesn't know that I'd rather be alive, without that mountain of pain on my shoulders, with his smile as my forever and only safe haven.