39 19.1: Safe Haven (1/2)

'but my ache for him is stronger than my anger. i want to speak of something not dead or divine. i want him to live'

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Tobias and Benji found me in the Darkoom with the paper clutched in my hand and my knees brought to my chest as I thought everything through. I was thinking about Joshua's fate and Sierra's legs getting roasted in the hell she walked herself into.

I was thinking about me and my next, endless cycles. I was thinking about how one day I'll miserably celebrate Jacob's graduation, Joshua's marriage and Mom's death as time goes on.

Because that's the thing with this personal hell. Everything, everyone moves on, except for me. I'll forever be stuck in my sick mind and sickening regrets.

There's no accepting this eternal doom. There is no 'hey, it'll be okay'. There's no ′hold on for a couple more days, it'll get better'. Needless to say, there'll only be reminiscing of what was and what could've been. And I've been thinking about all this lately and about how I'll live with myself. And maybe, I think, that I would've rather lived my previous life over that damned existence.

So when Tobias showed up in front of me looking sad as he told me about his brother's death anniversary, I just nod. I nod because that was all I could ever do. Because, here, we're all alone and no-one can take away someone's pain. So I nod as the needles of my own pain poked my sensationless skin. I nod, but really all I cared, all I care about is how I'm feeling. All I care about is me.

Of course, I do care about Tobias, but he doesn't consume my thoughts as my own troubles do. This isn't the place for romanticizing eyes and hair.

When I looked up at him and he asked me what had happened, I smiled at him and decided not to explain the 'not-very-long' story of Joshua's doom. I decided that we might have a lot less than we'd like in this cycle of ours. And I wasn't going to waste it on explaining a pain he might not fully comprehend. And I wouldn't be disappointed because I, too, fail to grasp his agony.

And so I realized that we all have different breaking points. His excuse for suicide seemed ridiculous to me because I know that his brother's death wasn't really his fault. And that if I were in his place, I wouldn't have taken my life.

But that's the thing with other's pain. It is incomprehensible to the onlookers. It is something that can only be sympathized with but never quite understood.

And it is okay. All I ever wanted of Tobias is his presence. And that too I won't have. So instead of wasting our remaining time with sappy, relatively inconsequential shit, I shove the paper in his hand.

Tobias studied the paper and smiled with a hint of surprise lighting up his features. He then said nothing and helped me to my feet before handing me back my paper. He said that what I wrote was a nice touch and will be appreciated.

He also told me that he missed me more than he should have given the few days we have left.

He told me I was his darling. And of course, I appropriately told him off. And, you know, as always, he laughed it off.

And now we're standing where I want to be.

I'm at that very beach I've spent lonely nights on its white sand, or hefty nights with Jacob on the worn-out bench Tobias, Benji and I are standing by.

The sun is setting into the cotton-candy pink sky and the sand is shimmering weakly with the clothes scattered over it. And I know that my brother is taking a swim in the still azure waters, with its soft to-hear-and-see waves that roll toward the shore, leaving unquantifiable froth behind.

It's too tranquil to ever want to leave.

”I get why you spent time here,” Tobias announces as he sits on the bench. I catch his hazel eyes and my heart catches fire. ”I feel like spilling all my guts out.”

”It is a beautiful place,” I say softly. ”When it's stormy it gets a little scary, but it only makes you want to spill more of your anatomy.”

Tobias smiles. ”You've got a whole lot of anatomy in you,” he remarks.

I smirk. ”Don't we all?”

Tobias looks at me adoringly. ”Yes.”

I sigh inside his eyes and almost get lost if it isn't for the paper in my hands. ”I need to leave this letter behind,” I say and Tobias' eyes flutter.

”I love what you've written for him,” he says.

”I hope he finds it.”

”He will,” he says with a small smile before letting his eyes drift over the horizon. ”Do you think you could've written me a letter?”

”Here's how it played inside my head,” I tell him. ”I write you a letter. You wake up the next cycle thinking what the hell am I doing with this paper? Who the fuck is Rose? And then you just get rid of the paper. It's basically pointless-” I say, hiding the waves of pain in my dress' pockets.

”So you've considered it?” Tobias asks softly as he watches Benji leave us to chase his tail in the sand.

I glance at his head of wavy, fiery hair and lie. ”No.”

Tobias turns to me and catches my eyes. He nods slowly. ”What would you have written?”

”Does it matter?”

Tobias' lips turn upward into a smile. ”Come on, it'll be fun,” he urges. ”I'll tell you what I'd write in yours!”

Hearing the excitement in his voice brings me to sit by his side as I force all that I'd actually write for him away.

”To that annoying, loser redhead,” I start and he leans forward, puts his elbows on his knees, his face in his hands, and tilts his head in my direction. He's listening with a wide, glistening smile. I suddenly find it difficult to keep the flow. ”It's been a nice ride-”

”It's been an awful one,” he points out and I shake my head with a smile.

”You made my awful, horrible, painful ride a little less awful,” I correct and he looks at me approvingly. ”And I've done the same to yours-”

”As an actual witness to the 'shitiness' of my life, I wish to object and say that that's a false claim-”

”Stop interrupting me-” I say playfully and he mouthes a hasty ′sorry'. I smile. ”Anyway. You've helped me out and thank you for that. Uh, I don't know what to say-” I lie. ”There's nothing to say,” I lie again.

”So far, this letter sounded like you were thanking a teacher-”

”You were like a teacher; you taught me stuff-” I say.

Tobias frowns and smiles at the same time. ”That's a horrible thing to say to a person in love with you,” he says and I immediately look away.