37 17.0: Planets (1/2)

'it's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have ever been if it had never shone`

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I always thought and still think that people who say that you, you have it all in you. That you are in control of your universe, that you can do the impossible, are just a bunch of idiots.

I am in no way in control of my universe. Not even when I was alive. I mean, what the fuck is the point of controlling all your bloody galaxies if you can't control your fucking planet?

What's the point of trying at all if I won't get the people I want to care about me? What is the point if all I was was a crush but never an option? What should I do with all the almosts that I had absolutely no control over in my planet?

Almost love. Almost friendship. Almost daughter. Almost sister. Almost dead. Dead.

And you know, maybe I'm just sad that Sierra is dead. And mad that things didn't go the way they were supposed to, according to me. And maybe, truly, all I lacked is faith.

Faith that things would get better. That there's a reason behind every mishap. There's something, something worth going on for.

I lost faith in my planet. I didn't give myself the chance to discover the rest of my galaxies.

I just think that we're never meant to control our universes. We're meant to traverse them. Flip through the galaxies like pages in a book and skim through the planets like words.

I should've never allowed myself to get stuck on a planet. On a word.

Just like the end of anything, I can taste the end of this month in the air. I can taste the start of a new phase of my damning. And the unpleasantness this brings hugs my bones to dust.

I'm not in the Darkoom. And really, I don't understand time here. Is my month their month? I know for a fact that I can live a certain time at different places just fine. But I also do wonder if they have days when they don't think about me, which in turn, will make my month much shorter.

And maybe that's why I find it essential to whisper to myself ′Tobias and Benji. Benji and Tobias', every time I'm taken to a new dimension. I'd whisper in panic, scared that I'd find myself forgetful. Scared that it's all over already.

Scared that I won't get time to tell my goodbyes just yet.

And I'm standing in front of a church, my funeral's church. And no possibility other than Sierra's funeral makes sense of it.

My vision suddenly blurs and I know that my heart still carries the charred remnants of my love to her. And suddenly I wonder what people would say. I wonder what Jacob would make of our successive deaths, but all I do is hope that he doesn't even think of mourning her.

And by that I mean, I hope he comes to her funeral. Because Jacob doesn't believe in them. That would make me feel special.

I glance to my left and find Tobias' hand on my shoulder (he is draping his arm around me), and I take my time to stare at it. It's big with long, slender fingers and deeply bitten nails. I can tell that he was an anxious mess before he killed himself.

”A church,” Tobias mutters to himself and I look up at him. He's looking at me doe-eyed with a petal-soft smile.

Benji circles both of us, panting excitedly.

”You're still crying,” he whispers and I sigh heavily, giving in and resting my head against his chest. He responds by pulling me closer.

”How did it feel like to 'kill' Tom?” I whisper.

The question hangs in the air and I look up at Tobias who's slightly frowning and biting down his lower lip.

”It felt like being forced.”

”Being forced?” I blink at him and he looks down at me with a soft, soft smile that drops quickly.

”Forced to do everything that was meant to keep me alive-” His eyes flutter and I gulp. ”Forced to sleep when I can't stand to, only to sleep and be forced to wake up the next morning. Forced to attend his funeral. Forced to shove food down my throat, then forced to keep my food in when I remember my brother drenched in his vomit. Forced to drink water, the essence of life, only to force myself to imagine it as a river of tears to make me feel a little better at the pleasure it brings me-” He sighs heavily. ”It just felt like I was being forced. Until I wasn't.”

I close my eyes, my heart in labour with more pain. ”I'm sorry.”

”My parents didn't blame for it, you know?” Tobias breathes out and smiles. ”I had a million other ways I could've made it easier for myself. And I chose the most destructive.” He then cups my face and wipes what must be tears.

”What about poetry?” I sniff.

Tobias sighs. ”It was the cherry on top,” he says. ”It sealed the deal. Just another reason, I thought, that would validate what I've done.”

”The month is ending and I'm not ready,” I say irrelevantly and lift my hands to clasp his. He flexes his loose fist and I hold his open palms to my cheeks. I hold his eyes and my lips are suddenly a trembling mess.

Tobias' face might as well be used to describe the whole human's emotion spectrum. I close my eyes because I can't, I can't look for longer.

”It is what it is,” he mutters softly.

”It is-” I sob out. ”It is all it is.”

”I'm sorry,” he whispers and I'm suddenly so hungry for his warmth, for the catch in his voice, for the speck of light in his dimmed eyes. I'm hungry for human things and that seems to shred my insides.

”Maybe we should head inside,” I say instead and hear Tobias sigh heavily.

”We don't have to do this,” he replies softly. ”She doesn't deserve your respects.”

I look down at Benji who's staring at me with wide brown eyes and pick him up, wishing I could feel the comfort his fur would've provided. I swallow away this pain, swallow away my fantasies.

”All I want to know is whether or not Jacob attended,” I say, my lips pressed against Benji's fur.

”You want him to attend,” Tobias asks/states and when I don't answer he sighs. ”Does it matter? Why would you punish yourself for something he knows nothing of?”

I look up at him and shrug helplessly. ”I don't know.”

Tobias shakes his head, his eyes assessing my surroundings before he double-takes. He stares at a point behind my shoulder.

”Wha-” I start, distracted, and turn to find him staring at what seems to be Joshua's back, half-concealed by a tree's branches.

”Let's go and see,” Tobias says softly, taking my hand and walking across the pavement leading to the church to get into the tiny woods where we've also found Sierra hiding.

I suddenly feel dreadful.

Joshua is standing and watching Mason who's staring at him with arms crossed across his chest.

While Mason looks all tidied up to let go of his ex-lover, Joshua looks haggard in his unkempt hair, ruffled suit and loose tie. He has a bandage on the side of his face and his eyes could be two lava balls jumping around the trees. His hands shake uncontrollably as he rests it on a tree's trunk for support.

Mason seems to notice his dishevelled appearance because he seems a little less angry.

”Hey,” Tobias whispers in my ears, startling me terribly. ”I'm right here.” He reminds me and I nod at him, rolling my trembling fingers into fists.

It takes Joshua a lot of soft sighs and lip-licking before he starts talking. ”I'm sorry for what you saw-”

”Yeah, you fucking my girlfriend. That's something you should be just sorry for,” he says crossly and Joshua seems to find it harder to breathe.

”Mason, no,” is the thing that comes out as his eyes fill up to the brim. ”Mason, I hated her.”

Mason looks at him disbelievingly. ”Why the fuck are you lying? She's dead. So is our fucking convo-”

Joshua seems alarmed by his sudden change in mood. ”Mason, wait!”

The urgency in his voice unhinges me a little and grabs Mason's attention.

”It was just a making out session with someone who called your 'love-making' one-nightstands!” Joshua says bluntly and Mason looks confused. ”Do you really wanna lose me over a bitch like her?” He's barely holding himself together. ”I can't afford that. You're all I have left-”

”Why are you throwing dirt on her name-?”

”I am not!” Joshua replies vehemently. ”You don't understand.” He sniffs.

”What is there to understand, Joshua?!” Mason yells. ”I told you I liked her. And then I walked into you making out or shagging. Both are terrible things to do to 'all you have left'!”

Joshua's lips float around a little as he gulps down air. ”She told me- she told me different things-”

”Different things?!” Mason scoffs like he can't believe it. ”And what about what I've told you?! You just...disregarded how much she's meant to me!” Mason suddenly sounds hurt instead of furious.

Joshua's face is beetroot red as he looks at Mason helplessly. ”Mason, man, I'm so sorry,” he tells him and maybe I can hear the air vibrating in sync with his distraught heartbeats.

Mason shakes his head. ”You were my brother. My brother-”

”She's not who you think she is,” Joshua says with difficulty. ”Why can't you trust me on this?”

Mason looks away and runs a hand across his face. ”They said you were the one who reported her death.”

Jason finds it difficult to neutralise his terrified facial expression and maintain his composure. ”Yes.”

Mason narrows his eyes at him. ”What happened?”