15 5.2: Oceans and Tomorrows (2/2)
”She was an anxious person-”
”Come on!” Jacob makes a face. ”Who in this era doesn't have anxiety? She could've asked for help. She could've told me how she has lost appetite for this life, and I would've shown her what she was missing-” Jacob rants out. ”There is no excuse. Not a single good one-”
I inhale deeply and blink at the ground.
”Her parents-” Joshua blurts out, looking down. ”She told me she had problems with them-”
”We all do. Parents gotta be fucking parents-” Jacob says. ”Look, I've been trying to pin down just one reason. One reason as to why she could've done that and none was convincing enough.”
Joshua blinks at Jacob. ”I'm sorry-”
”Yeah, whatever-” Jacob waves a dismissive hand. ”That's what everyone says anyway, right?” He sniffs. ”And really, I know who to blame this on-” He pants out like talking about me tires him. ”I blame her.”
”Jake-” I whisper brokenly. He doesn't understand.
Joshua and Tobias visibly flinch at his words while Benji remains silent, his eyes jumping from one person to another.
”Or you know what?” Jacob shakes his head, changes his mind. ”I blame who brought her up to be so hateful. So blind to all the helping hands, all the worldly beauties-” Jacob glares at Joshua who's looking way too mellow for this conversation. ”I don't blame you, Joshua. I don't blame her bullies. I don't blame any of those things that happen frequently to the majority of us.”
”Those things aren't nothing-” Joshua says logically. ”She was insecure-”
”Bullshit!” Jacob simply refuses any of the possible reasons as to why I might have taken my life. ”She was beautiful. But she wasn't brought up to see her beauty. Her intelligence-” Jacob's throat bobs. ”You know, she always focused on the negative shit. She always highlighted all the incidents that make her the 'ugly' one. And she believed the trick-”
”We all have our flaws-” Joshua counters with a sniff. ”Don't be too hard on her-”
”Hard on her?” Jacob looks amused. ”What has she been on us? Did she go softly and gently? Did she honour the love we gave her? You know? I don't think any of us will be the same after she so so violently and heartlessly uprooted herself from here.” Jacob blinks. ”I don't know why she killed herself. I don't know how it happened to her so easily, to just think that we're worthless of her existence-”
And I want him to stop talking beyond that because it's untrue. I just didn't think they cared enough about me. I didn't think that I would matter this much. Everyone treated me like a malignant tumour. Something that needed to be dealt with, but from afar, with hate, with disgust. Something that was forced on everyone.
Something with no cure but extraction. I didn't kill myself for the fun of it. And although I made it appear like I was enjoying the process of doing the deed and ending me, every part of me requested to give them all one more day to prove themselves. One more day to breathe.
But I refused to be treated like cancer. I refused to be undermined and underestimated. And don't tell me I didn't try. Hell, I swear I did, but the more I tried, the worse it got. The more I became a 'wannabe' and the less I belonged in a world that saw me as a forgotten draft. Something that shouldn't be read, but just...kept.
I look at Tobias, and he looks away, not wanting to meet my gaze. I figure I'm just too messed up for this universe, never mind 'dimension'.
Joshua stares silently at my younger brother. Then very slowly he says, ”Maybe we just don't-” He blinks upwards. ”-understand. Understand her-”
Jacob pinches his nose, then nods. ”Not maybe-” He tells him. ”I don't know her. This weak person who took the easy road? She isn't the Roseline I know-”
”We don't really know what she went through-” Joshua tells him gently. ”To kill herself, she must've suffered. Mind you, I don't think to kill oneself is easy. I don't think she was happy doing it-”
”She was relieved-” He retorts bitterly.
”You wouldn't know-” Joshua argues.
”That's the kind of shit I'd know if she'd left a note-” Jacob says accusingly with tears in his eyes.
”You're awful-” Tobias says from behind me, and my 'heart' dies a little.
”I didn't plan this-” I breathe out, shaking my head and desperately catching Tobias' curious eyes. He sighs and looks away at them while I continue staring at his side profile in fear. He has a soft jawline, freckled cheeks and a straight nose. He's easy on the eyes, and I can't believe I'm already pushing him away.
Great. Not only do I repulse living people, but also the dead.
When I look back at them, I find Joshua staring at my gravestone, and Jacob pulling out a cigarette. My jaws drop, and I find myself walking up to him. What the hell? He smokes?
I am so close to him, I can clearly see the brown, blurry lines in his blue irises, around his pupils, dilate as he places the cigarette between his teeth. He then quickly whips out his silver lighter, and I quickly remove the cigarette from his lips. I immediately drop it so it wouldn't just disappear.
”What the-” Jacob then stares at the cigarette that's currently dirtied by dust on the ground and then shrugs before pulling out another cigarette.
”What the hell, Jake?!” I yell out as he places it between his teeth and lights it up.
I almost reach for it again, when Tobias holds me back and drops Benji. And it's like a switch got flipped inside of me. I get so furious and violently pull against him.
”Let me go!” I shout, but I can see Tobias wrapping his arms around my waist and pull me against him.
”What is wrong with you?” He commands, but all I can see is the lit tip of Jacob's cigarette, and all I can think of is lung cancer and death, and his dead body covered in white cloth.
”He's killing himself!” I say and blindly stretch out my arm toward him.
”Roseline!” Tobias yells in my ears, and his voice echoes around every corner of my mind and resonates off every nerve in my body. I find it difficult to breathe and cover my ears, squeezing my eyes shut and screaming hauntingly as Tobias pulls us back and away from the scene. And I realize I like this darkness. This darkness that my eyelids mercifully give me.
”I didn't mean it-” I screech uncontrollably. ”I didn't mean it!” I blather desperately. ”I didn't mean it-” I repeat, my hands still pressed against my ears.
I drop on my knees, taking Tobias down with me. He holds me back as I sob loudly, my soul fissuring away into nothingness. And I don't know what happened. I don't know how it happened. I don't understand why I broke down like this. So suddenly?
My emotions are whirling and whirling out of control. They're no longer red, green and yellow. They're a rainbow of colours that I don't and can't understand. And they're just sitting on my windpipe and seeping all the way back to my brain, colouring it and polluting it more that it's possible.
And I hate the silence that's engulfing me and nurturing me and patting me and purring at me and slowly ruining me. This silence that makes the whispers inside my head blaring speakers.
And I know that I should stop whatever I'm doing right now and listen to my brother and ex-boyfriend speak of me and how I've doomed their existence. I should stop crying. I should stop uselessly yelling because I know I'll have time for this later.
I'll have time to deal with my dark 'rainbows' of emotions in the 'Darkoom' when I'm truly all alone and miserable. I should wake the fuck up, but my mind is stuck on the day I found myself standing in front of my dead, limp body. And I remember the indifference I felt, the bitter, but certain triumph. And I want to curse myself and the days that led me to this.
That led me to watch Mom's broken spirit, Dad's nonchalance, Jacob's violence, Aiden's anger, Sierra's betrayal, William's love and Joshua's brokenness. That led me to watch every abnormal impression possible. Impressions that make me doubt my familiarity with those people I once called parents, siblings, friends or lovers.
I block all my thoughts to remember breathing and remain coiled up against Tobias and Benji for a long, long time. Long enough that when I open my eyes, darkness is all I can see.