16 6.0 Way To Human Extinction (1/2)
'The risk I took was calculated, but man...am I bad at math.'
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There are stretches of non-ending darkness. Infinite miles of colourless emptiness. And I wonder if that's how fear would look like as a thing. And I don't know if that's what's inside my head or if that's what I'm actually looking at. If I've finally and indefinitely returned to the 'Darkoom'. And if this time, there isn't a Tobias or a Benji to accompany me.
I stretch my arms out, but I know that even if I'm touching something, I wouldn't know what it is, cause I can't feel shit. And I gulp down my fright as my brain fires up at the actual possibility that I'm utterly alone with my cursed thoughts.
”Hey. Roseline-” I hear someone say. Someone I know, calling my name from far, far away. ”Wake up-” That very same voice says as my head somehow lols to the side.
And then I open my eyes just in time to witness Tobias slapping me. My head turns against the impact, and my eyes widen at his bright figure. And I, of course, feel no pain.
Tobias flinches back, but his face remains very close to mine. His honey drops for eyes are alert and glassy with lots of doubts and questions. And his hair is a red, scary creature standing atop his head.
I lazily glance to his side, where Benji stands in his own light, still attached to Tobias with his leash.
”Roseline-” Tobias draws my attention back to him. He then shakes his head at my obviously destitute condition. ”Are you okay?”
I numbly stare at him, my lips parted. I touch my fingers to my lips for some reason as if trying to touch my words on my mouth. Trying to see if I've got some kind of a new sense in this dimension. Like touching words or hearing thoughts.
There are none.
Tobias' lips are pressed in a straight line, and it could be the first time he's serious about anything. And it's kinda scary, morbid.
I close my eyes as if in pain. I then open them to look down and realize I'm not standing. But sitting, or floating on my buttocks, with Tobias sitting cross-legged in front of me. I pull my knees toward my chest, trying to attempt humanly sitting positions that no longer make sense in my dimension. Because our standards of 'comfortable' are nonexistent.
I look back at Tobias whose gaze never left me and then say, ”I'm confused-” He then catches my eyes, and I try not to look away. ”I'm tired and confused-”
Tobias sighs loudly. ”What are you confused about?” He asks softly, his eyes unblinking.
I sniff loudly. ”Why did God want to show me those different sides of all those people I loved when I'm dead?” I ask and am surprised by my voice's steadiness. It's supernatural.
Tobias blinks, his face mirroring mine. Alert, sorrowful and curious. ”Because He wants you to regret it-”
”Regret it?” I repeat brokenly. ”Why?” I say bitterly. ”I wasn't having much fun in His 'world'-”
”No-one did, no-one is, and no-one ever will-” Tobias replies. ”We're just unfair-”
”Unfair?” I sniff. ”How?” I shake my head. ”We're just...awfully broken-”
Tobias sighs. ”We're all broken. Everyone is, in their own way, at some point in their lives-” He tilts his head. ”Problem is that we didn't realize that by doing this-” He refers to our suicide. ”We're breaking people more than they already are-”
”Really?” I say slightly livid. ”Aren't those people the reason why we're so broken in the first place? Why we killed ourselves?”
Tobias looks away and doesn't say anything for a while. ”You know, it's not that simple. I used to think like you before-” He glances at Benji. ”That they all deserve this sadness. Until I was let into their lives. Until I realized that those people who broke us are broken by other people, who're broken by more people. Then broken people break more people. It keeps going on-” Tobias looks up at me. ”What I'm saying is, if every broken person killed themselves, humans would cease to exist-”
I blink at him and sniff. ”So you're saying that everyone is as broken as we were?”
Tobias nods sadly. ”We're not as special as we'd like to think. We all have circumstances that break us-”
I part my lips at him and frown silently, slowly shaking my head. ”Circumstances?”
”Circumstances that broken people create,” Tobias elaborates. ”Look we didn't know that. No-one does-” Tobias tilts his head. ”Or no-one wants to believe it. Everyone wants to think that their own problems are the toughest ones possible-” He lifts a brow. ”Like only their pain is the most intolerable. Out of those people are some people. People like us, who'd go to the extent of thinking that it's justifiable to just kill themselves-”
I stare at him in shock, trying to process all his words over. ”But I'm not weak-” I whisper. I was brought to shake mountains, chase clouds and swallow pouring rain. ”The world was just too weak to take me.”
Tobias scoffs loudly, and I look at him, trying not to be offended, cause what does it matter?
”C' mon, do you believe this bullshit? Truly?” He tells me, his eyes losing their soft twinkle. ”We're out here, footless. Useless. Watching people change. Watching people need us, need our help, and we can't do anything about it-” He rants out.
”I watched people die in front of me-” He continues. ”-and I knew that if I was still alive, I could've saved him.” He blinks at me as his eyes slowly water up. ”Greatness isn't really about having power, it's about giving it to those who need it. It's about helping others. If greatness was what you desired, you wouldn't have killed yourself”
I gulp and forcefully shake my head. ”That's not true. We can't help those people-”
”Yeah?” Tobias whispers loudly, his lips frowning. ”If you were alive, you could've helped stop your brother from smoking-”
I stare at him unblinking, feeling absolutely hurt. I don't know what to say to prove him wrong. I don't know what to do to calm that voice inside my head that seems to be jubilant to agree with Tobias and stand against me.
”You're wrong-” I deny bitterly. ”If I were alive, I couldn't have helped him. I wouldn't have known-”
”You don't know that-” He narrows his eyes at me, and I frown.
”Why the hell are you acting like I'm the only mistaken one here?” I tell him angrily.
”Oh, maybe because you are?” He tells me bluntly, and I gasp.
”You have-”
”No, I have an idea what you've gone through-” He cuts me off, and I almost roll my eyes. ”Unfair parents whom you thought hated you. A misunderstood ex-boyfriend. Confused, sad brothers that you've been compared with. And a bitch of a best friend who might be the reason behind your bullying, but you didn't know that-” He clenches his fist and raises it in front of his face. He then points his index finger at me. ”None are terrible enough reasons to give your life up-”
”You have no right to tell me that when you've probably killed yourself for some pathetic reason!” I tell him infuriated and feel the need to stand up. But I know it's of no use, given that we're not human and are incapable of feeling the satisfaction of fighting while standing.
I get up anyway, to Tobias' surprise.
”You know that's the thing about you-” He tells me. ”You always see the flaws, every possible, terrible thing to justify your actions-” He scowls. ”You never see how it could've been very easy to solve them. Your tiny problems-”
”Oh?” I start before he gets up. ”Then why the hell did you kill yourself? What are your super indispensable, mighty reasons?”
”I'm not obliged to tell you-”
”Why? You're so ashamed of your stupid reasons?”
”You wouldn't understand-” He hisses at me, his face losing its familiarity and kindness. ”I come from another generation-”
”So do I!” I defend myself.
”But I have lived through your generation-” He says, raising his voice. ”I know what teenagers nowadays do!”
I stop arguing and shake my head in sad defeat. ”You just have no right to belittle my pains-” I then back away from him. ”You don't know how it feels like to be so happy at one point, and then find out that the people closest to you don't fucking care. Don't care to be happy for your happiness. Don't care to share them with you. You have no idea how lonely this felt-”
”Why didn't you go out? You aren't the only lonely person on Earth!”
”It isn't that easy with someone like me-” I yell out, placing my hands on my chest. ”Someone who's got her fingers terribly burnt by people-” I pant out. ”Everyone has disappointed me. All my classmates thought I was a loser. Most likely not to succeed. A loser whom people glance at hallways instead of talk to-”
Tobias calms down a little. ”Why is it do you think that it's people who have to start? Why don't you think that it should've been you?!”
”I won't force myself on anybody-” I shake my head and sniff. ”I won't be bullied for it-”
”You had some friends!” Tobias says. ”Sierra! Mason? Your brothers?! Why did you break their hearts for?”
I look at him lost. ”I didn't mean it-”
”This isn't even half of a proper excuse-” Tobias shakes his head and juts out his lower lip. ”Because truth is, you killed yourself based on wrong assumptions, you've had a great time painting, of people you love-”
”They hid all of their true feelings-” I say. ”How could I've known?”
”Faith?” Tobias suggests. ”Ever tried it out?”
”You're a hypocrite-” I pant out. ”You stand here, count all my misdeeds and criticize me while you remain hidden, unwilling to share the reason you've done it yourself!”
”What I'm trying to say is-” He holds my eyes. ”If I had your problems, I would've been easily able to solve them!”