Part 20 (2/2)
”Let's sit.” He led the way toward the spot.
The sun was low in the sky, the temperature falling fast, but Kari nodded and followed him. When they were both seated he 172 searched for a rock and skipped it expertly across the water. ”I already knew about Tim. Before the prayer room.”
Kari frowned. ”Who told you?”
”Ashley.” He looked at her, and whatever casual pretense he'd demonstrated for her brother back at the house was gone. Looking at him now was like looking straight into his soul, and what she saw there made her wonder if she'd been wrong about him, if maybe he hadn't stopped loving her all those years ago.
Whatever his feelings, his eyes told her this much: His concern for her had not dimmed with time. She tried to focus on what he'd said. ”Ashley told you?”
”She called me a couple of weeks ago and filled me in. The short version, anyway.”
Ashley had called Ryan? Kari's mind raced, trying to make sense of the idea.
”What made her do that?”
Ryan picked up another smooth stone. ”It was my fault.” He skipped the rock and looked back at her. ”I ran into her a few weeks ago at football practice. We were joking around, and I told her to give me a call if your husband ever left you high and dry.”
Kari nodded and pursed her lips as her eyes followed a pair of squirrels playing on the gra.s.sy sh.o.r.e across the creek. ”I see.” ”So in a way she kind of owed me the call.”
Her eyes met his again. ”You didn't act like you knew.” ”Yeah, well-” his gaze stayed locked on hers-”I had a lot on my mind.”
”That's what you said.” They were sitting several feet apart, but still Kari felt trapped in his gravitational pull, the same way she'd always felt around him.
He uttered a sad laugh. ”The other day I didn't say half of what I wanted to.”
He found her eyes again and waited a long while. ”Don't you get it, Kari?” He sifted through the rocks near his feet until he found the right-sized stone and sent it skittering over the water. ”The reason I needed to focus was because ever since I heard about you and Tim-” he s.h.i.+fted his gaze to hers-”ever 173 since I heard what your husband had done to you, I couldn't think about anything else.”
”Other than .. ?” Her heart was pounding again, and if the holy warnings coursing through her mind had been audible, neither of them would have been able to hear above the noise.
”Ah, Kari girl.” His voice grew soft, and Kari saw an overwhelming sorrow in his face. ”Other than you.”
The world began spinning out of control. It was one thing to guess at Ryan's feelings, but now, here in the seclusion of their special place, a place where they'd kissed and talked and made plans of forever, it was almost more than she could bear. She tore her eyes from him and stared at her feet. ”I ... I don't know what to say.”
Ryan slid over and took her hand tenderly in his own. ”Don't say anything.” He moved still closer, so that the sides of their arms were touching.
Lord, get me out of this.
My grace is sufficient for you.
Why was that verse playing across her heart so often? Grace? I need more than that, Father. I can't think with him so close, my hand in his.
There was nothing in response, and she closed her eyes, trying to get a grip on her emotions.
Ryan exhaled hard. ”I know how you feel, what you want. I'm not trying to come between you and Tim.” He ran his thumb over the top of her hand. ”I just want you to know how I feel. How I've always felt about you.”
Anger made its way up through the sea of desire within her. How dare he say he'd always had feelings for her? What about Dallas? What about that night at the hospital? Everything in her wanted to challenge him on his comment, make him go back with her to his accident and all the awful details of that terrible day.
She opened her mouth to speak, but then she closed it again. Going over the past now would prove nothing. It would do nothing but bring more pain. Still, she was grateful for the anger, which 174 helped her back off and remember what was important. She wriggled her hand free from his and crossed her arms. ”How are you these days anyway, Ryan?” She forced a smile and saw that he read her eyes perfectly. There would be no more talking about how he felt about her, how they felt about each other, or anything that might remotely be linked to what they'd once shared.
She needed to win her husband back, not start an affair.
He c.o.c.ked his head. ”Okay ... I'm sorry for bringing it up. I've never kept anything from you, and I thought”
Kari held up her hand and shook her head. ”Don't, Ryan.” Tears filled her eyes.
It wasn't her fault things hadn't worked between them. ”I have to get back.”
It was dusk now, and she was starting to s.h.i.+ver. Her entire body ached for Ryan to slip his arm around her, pull her close, and ward off the cold of the impending darkness, of her impending future. Instead, she stood and wrapped her arms more tightly around herself. Two tears made their way down her cheeks as she stared down at Ryan. ”I can't explain it, but I want my marriage to work.”
Ryan clenched his jaw, opened his mouth, and said nothing. He stood and gently pulled Kari into a hug, one that could have been taken only as an embrace between two old friends who'd found each other again. ”I'm sorry. The last thing I wanted was to upset you.”
The longer Kari stayed in his arms, the less platonic the hug felt. Finally she knew she had to pull away or face doing something she would regret for a lifetime. ”We need to go.”
Ryan didn't argue, and she knew it was because he was feeling the same way. They walked back to Kari's house while he entertained her with stories of his last season with Dallas. ”So there he was, wrong-way Leonard, carrying the ball for all he was worth, headed straight for the opponent's end zone, and I'm seeing that no one, not a man on our team, is going to catch him and turn him around the right way.”
He ran ahead of her a few steps to ill.u.s.trate the story. ”I took 175 off as fast as I could, and finally at about the ten-yard line he saw me and froze, dead in his tracks. They replayed the thing a dozen times on ESPN.” Ryan waited for her to catch up and then fell in step beside her again. ”At that point the team gang-tackled him.”
Kari laughed at the image of Ryan's poor teammate, and Ryan elbowed her in the ribs. ”I can't believe it.” He walked backward a few steps, studying her face.
”I actually made you smile.”
She thought about what her life had become-Tim's affair, the pregnancy, the way Tim hadn't called except to say he wanted a divorce, the way she could not even consider letting herself have feelings for Ryan Taylor again, no matter how she felt.
It had been a while since she'd laughed.
Now she felt her cheeks grow hot under his gaze, and she pushed him teasingly in the chest. ”Stop staring at me.”
He fell beside her once more and spent the last ten minutes of the walk recalling stories and funny incidents from their past. By the time they were back at the Baxter front drive, Kari felt like she'd been given a new lease on life. She tilted her head as they walked up onto the porch, and she smiled at him. ”It was good to see you again.”
The silliness in his expression faded, and his eyes seemed to bore into hers.
”For me too.” He hesitated. ”Kari, I-”
She held up her hand. ”Don't.” They'd found their friends.h.i.+p again on the walk back, found a tenuous way to laugh and tease and enjoy each other's company without treading on the dangerous ground of attraction. She couldn't bear to hear him say again that he had feelings for her, especially now, when except for her faith and convictions, she would gladly have run off with him and never looked back at Tim Jacobs and the life he'd left her with. ”I'm married, Ryan.
I'm planning on staying that way. Please ... be my friend. Nothing more.”
His eyes grew wet, and she thought how rarely she'd seen him this emotional. It triggered something deep inside her, and her eyes, too, felt the familiar sting.
”I respect your feelings, Kari. I may not understand them, but I respect them.”
He held out his 176 arms and hugged her quickly this time. ”I'm here for you. Whenever you need me.”
She thought about telling him she was pregnant, but something told her to hold back, as if sharing something so intimate might, cross a line she didn't want to cross. Instead, she blinked back her tears and smiled at him. ”Thanks.”
Then before he could say anything else, before she might toss her convictions to the wind and kiss him the way she was dying to do, she turned and disappeared into the house. She listened as he trudged down the porch steps, across the driveway, and into his truck. As he pulled away, she stole up to the guest room and shut the door, questioning whether she was losing her mind.
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