Part 21 (1/2)

Time was when she would have given anything to have Ryan Taylor standing on her doorstep declaring his feelings for her. But now, when she desperately needed him and just as desperately needed to avoid him, she had turned him away.

The tears came in earnest, and she knew there was only one way out of the despair that gripped her soul. She slid off the side of the bed and landed on her knees. With head bowed, body convulsing in sobs, she buried her face in the bedspread and cried out to the only One who could make sense of her life.

I need a miracle, Lord.... I'm at the end of my rope. My grace is sufficient for you.

The Scripture pa.s.sage came to mind again, and this time she remembered the rest of the verse.

For my power is made perfect in weakness.

Her weeping subsided. G.o.d was here; he saw how weak she was. And he knew what she needed-not just one miracle, but a couple of them.

First, that Tim would stop his wayward lifestyle and return to her. And second, if he did return, that she could somehow learn to enjoy loving him once more.

Even after knowing how good it felt to be in Ryan Taylor's arms again.

177 SIXTEEN.

Angela was busy with a study group for her modern history cla.s.s that Sat.u.r.day night, and Tim decided to go back and get a few things from his house. He'd called, but Kari didn't answer, and he figured she was either working or at her parents' house.

Actually, he rather hoped she'd show up while he was there. That way he could look her in the face and find out what she'd meant by the baby comment. He'd gone over the dates a hundred times since then and couldn't imagine how she might just have found out she was pregnant. The last time they'd been together was back in August, back when he was doing everything he could to get Angela out of his mind and make things work with Kari.

If she'd gotten pregnant then, she'd already be three months along. Wouldn't she have found out sooner? Tim was almost positive she would have. They had those tests, didn't they?

He thought about the possibility as he drove the few blocks to University Park, the upscale area of older, restored homes where they'd planned on spending forever. What if she really was pregnant? How many times in their early years had he longed for a 178 child, imagining the wonderful life Kari and he would have once their home was filled with little ones?

The thought of Kari's raising their child alone made him feel sick to his stomach. There would be no pleasure sharing an apartment with Angela if Kari was forced to live the single mother life ten minutes away.

He pulled into the driveway and entered through the kitchen door. The answering machine held only one message.

Tim hit the Play b.u.t.ton.

”Hi, Tim. It's me, Pastor Mark, over at Clear Creek Community Church. I talked to Kari today and left a message for you at work. Not sure if you'll get this, but if you do, I'd appreciate a call when you get in. If it's too late, I'll be at the office first thing in the morning.” The pastor rattled off a few phone numbers and hung up.

Tim felt his face grow hot. Why had Kari gone to see him? And what was he doing calling Tim at home? Tim cursed under his breath. Preachers were all alike-a bunch of do-gooders trying to save the world. Well, he for one did not want saving. He had tried that route and failed miserably. There was nothing left now but for him to build a life with Angela and try to make his own happiness.

As long as Kari wasn't pregnant, that is.

He moved into the dining room and came to an abrupt stop. There on the table were four envelopes. Each one had his name scrawled across the front with a date from the previous week. What was this?

Tim could hear his heart beating. He picked up the envelope with the earliest date and opened it. I could use a drink. The thought filtered through his mind, and he silently chastised himself. After overdoing it that night at Angela's, the night that preacher was on television, Tim had decided not to drink during the day. As long as he could keep to that promise, he was pretty sure he'd never have a problem. At least not one like Uncle Frank's.

179 Tim found a letter inside the envelope. He took it out, unfolded it, and saw that it was a handwritten letter from Kari. He sighed, and his eyes found their way to a portrait that hung on their dining-room wall, a portrait of Kari in her wedding dress.

His breath caught in his throat as he studied her face, her smile. Her trusting eyes. No matter what plans he had for the future, there was no denying her beauty. He studied the picture, and he could hear her laughter, feel her touch on his skin.

He tore his eyes from the portrait and made his way across the living room to an oversized chair. Then he held up the letter and began to read, a lump lodging in his throat.

Dear Tim, The one thing I would tell you if you were here right now is this: I love you.

Even after all that's happened, even though you've moved in with her, I still love you. Isn't that crazy? Because the thing is, I know the real Tim Jacobs.

The man I married loves G.o.d and wouldn't in a million years think of doing this to me, to us. So whatever's happening now is something we need to get past.

The letter went on to recall in detail some of Kari's favorite moments since they were married. As he read, he was swept away, drawn back to the days when he would never have considered having an affair, let alone moving in with another woman.

He kept reading, but when he reached the last few paragraphs, his heart skipped a beat.

By the way, I meant what I said the other night. I'm three months pregnant, Tim.

And when I'm so mad at you I could break something, when I'm all alone crying myself to sleep, when I hate you for what you've done, I have only to remember the precious life growing within me to know the truth.

I will wait a lifetime for you to return, believing that someday you'll remember who you are and what we shared and find your way back to me. To us.

Loving you still, Kari 180.

The moisture flooding Tim's eyes made it impossible for him to see. He blinked and felt a trail of tears burn a path down his cheeks. Over and over again he read the last part of the letter, unable to fathom the emotions that coursed through him. A part of him ached for what he'd already missed-being with Kari when she found out about the baby, helping her through the morning sickness.

Just like last time.

Only now, if she was already three months along, the danger of miscarriage was largely past. And that meant ...

He let his head fall back and uttered an audible groan. He really was going to be a father. At a time when he'd fallen in love with another woman, he was finally going to father his wife's child. The thought was more than he could bear and made him desperate for a gla.s.s of wine or a shot of whiskey. Anything to dull the pain.

He stifled a sob. Suddenly he missed Kari more than he would have thought possible a few days before. He wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and beg her forgiveness. If only there were some way to go back in time, back to the days before he'd met Angela.

As if scales were falling from his eyes, he began to see himself as he really was. What kind of a creep had he become? No matter how busy or inattentive Kari had been, that didn't justify his taking up with Angela.

He closed his eyes and wondered what to do next. He could call Pastor Mark. Or he could call Kari, drive to her parents' house, and tell her he was sorry.

But there was one problem.

The feelings he had for Angela Manning were as strong as ever. She was young and vulnerable, despite the veneer of cool toughness she displayed around campus.

Over the course of the past year she had bared her heart to him, and his love for her was not a pa.s.sing fancy. It was real-as real as his feelings for Kari had ever been.

He closed his eyes and saw himself dancing with Kari at their 180 181 wedding reception. She was beautiful beyond words. A wave of desire washed over him, and he was disgusted with himself.

He wasn't a player, not like some men. But somehow he had managed to end up in love with two women. One in a familiar way that tugged at his heart, the other in a new and exciting way that made him feel needed and important.

The image of Kari at their wedding remained. Her hair had been up in some kind of amazing design that day, and just a few pieces hung in soft wisps near her face. Her expression was fresh, hopeful, impossibly tender.