Part 12 (1/2)

Gradually a dim light dawned in Kari's heart, and she remembered the holy rea.s.surance she'd felt the other day, the message! from the radio.

Do not be afraid ... I will be with you. I will defend you.

Kari sniffled and drew back, studying her mother, praying she would understand.

”Mom . . . you get it, don't you? Why I want my marriage to work?”

Her mother smoothed her hand over Kari's hair. ”Shhh, baby ... it's okay.” Her mother was crying now too. ”Of course I get it. You want to do things G.o.d's way, and G.o.d will honor that. We'd love nothing more than to see your marriage work, Kari. You have our support, no matter what happens.”

Kari managed the briefest smile because she knew it was true. No matter what others might say or feel about Kari's decisions, her parents would stand by her.

It was what the Baxter family was all about.

The directions on the pregnancy test kit suggested that an early-morning test would yield the best results. So she had set the kit aside until morning.

She was in the backseat of her parents' car and halfway to church before she realized she hadn't taken the test.

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It wasn't merely a matter of forgetting, obviously. There was something final about taking the test, something Kari wasn't ready to face.

The view out of the car window provided a well-needed distraction for the fears jockeying for position in her soul. She stared at the familiar farms and billboards while her parents chatted in the front seat.

She had mixed feelings about going to church today. It would be her first time since Tim moved out. A few days after he left, Kari had called the church and explained that she wouldn't be able to teach Sunday school or sing in the choir for some time. When the church secretary asked if anything was wrong, Kari had said only that something had come up.

A part of her desperately wanted anonymity in this, her greatest season of grief and pain. But the desire to be surrounded by people who loved her and would pray for her was greater than her need for solitude. Besides, she'd sat around her parents' house acting paralyzed long enough. It was time to seek help, time to talk to Pastor Mark and arrange for counseling.

So she had decided to go this morning.

There was an expectant silence in the car, and Kari thought back to what she'd overheard her brother say in the kitchen earlier this morning. Kari had been coming down the stairs, anxious for crackers or something to stave off the constant nausea, when her brother's voice stopped her.

”What is it about my sisters?” The ring of indignation in Luke's voice surprised her. She and Luke had always shared easy laughter and mutual admiration, a bond that had never been threatened over the years. But this morning he sounded more fed up than fun loving. It was a side of her brother Kari hadn't seen before.

”Be quiet, Luke; she'll hear you.” It was her mom, her hissing voice so low it was difficult to make out her words above the sounds of whatever she was cooking. ”There was nothing Kari could have done about this, and you know it.”

92 ”I'm just saying,” Luke's voice was only slightly quieter, ”you'd think being raised in a family like ours, they might have made better choices.”

They? Kari wrinkled her brows and dropped down two more 'steps so she wouldn't miss her mother's side of the conversation. ”Ashley and Kari are nothing alike.

I think Kari would be hurt if she heard you say that.”

”Okay, then at least get rid of the guy.” Luke let loose an angry chuckle. ”I mean, anyone who's doing what that jerk is doing shouldn't have the option of staying married to her.”

Her mother stopped stirring, and there was silence for a moment. ”You don't know the details, Luke. They're none of your business.”

”Yes, Mother, I do know the details. I heard Kari and Ashley talking about it.

The guy's living with his student girlfriend, he wants a divorce, he doesn't love my sister anymore.” His voice fell flat. ”But somehow Kari wants to give him a chance?” Luke uttered another laugh that was void of humor. ”Even G.o.d wouldn't ask that of her.”

There. That sounded more like Luke. He was upset and frustrated, but only because he cared. Kari slumped slightly against the wall and waited.

”She's doing what she thinks G.o.d wants her to do.” Kari strained to listen.

”She's asked only one thing from the rest of us.” Luke was eating something, and he spoke with his mouth full.

”Mmm. What's that? Invite the guy over for Sunday dinner so we can all tell him how much we've missed him?”

Mother exhaled, and even from her hiding place Kari thought she sounded old and sad. Very sad. Oh, Mom, I never wanted to bring this on you.... G.o.d, help me know what to do. Maybe I shouldn't even be here. Maybe I should go home and”She wants our understanding.” Her mother's tone became pointed. ”Which is something you've never once given Ashley.” ”Don't lay that on me. I wasn't the one who turned into some

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freak overnight. Ashley hasn't been the same since she got back from Paris, and that isn't my fault.”

”Okay, fine. But this isn't about Ashley; it's about Kari. You and Kari have always loved each other, Luke. Always been there for each other. If you can't find it in your heart to support her now. 1 couldn't bear it any more than Kari could. That's all I'm saying.”

Kari wasn't sure if she had been afraid of his response or eager to stop their conversation, but she took a few purposefully loud steps and turned the corner into the kitchen. ”Hey, everyone.” She ignored the nausea and forced a smile at her mother as she came up behind Luke and slipped an arm around his shoulder.

”Good morning, little brother.”

They ate their breakfast without further discussion of Kari's predicament or the degree of wisdom in her choices. Still, she sensed something different about Luke. Something missing from the easy relations.h.i.+p they'd always shared. As if his opinion of her had slipped.

Whatever it was, it made Kari want to crawl in a hole and cry for a hundred days.

Instead, she had finished breakfast, helped take care of the dishes, and gotten dressed for church. And had become so absorbed in getting ready that she forgot to take the pregnancy test.

Or hadn't really wanted to in the first place.

At any rate, now she was halfway to church and wondering if she was crazy for going. Normally she and Tim attended on their own, and more often than not in the past year, Tim had begged off from going because he had papers to grade. Not until she learned of his affair did his absence at church finally make sense.

Kari clenched her teeth and tried not to think about Tim. Not now.

She glanced behind her and saw Luke's truck. He had plans after the service and needed his own transportation. Their youngest 94 sister, Erin, and her husband, Sam, would meet them at church. Brooke and Ashley attended only on holidays, and always then.

Kari sighed quietly.

Of the five Baxter children, only Kari, Luke, and Erin adopted their parents'

faith. As the car neared the church her family had attended since she and her siblings were children, Kari's heart hurt at the realization. The families they'd grown up with at Clear Creek Community Church knew about Ashley falling away and Brooke's independence. They had to know that John and Elizabeth Baxter grieved the way their close-knit family was no longer bound by their beliefs.

Kari smiled at little Cole, belted into his car seat. Ashley had been out with her artist friends the night before, and Cole had slept at Grammy and Papa's, as he called them.