Part 4 (1/2)

31.

detached and clear-eyed, as if she were observing the whole scene from a distance.

Her husband was nothing of the man she'd thought him to be. Instead, he had lied and cheated on her, and now he was saying their marriage was over. She looked at him sitting there, his long fingers clenched together, his head lowered, giving her a clear view of the bald spot just beginning to show on the top of his head.

She remembered a verse from their wedding: And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Acting with what she could explain only as supernatural power, and without so much as a single tear, she studied her husband and steadied her voice. The anger was still there, but her determination was greater. ”We need counseling.”

Tim's mouth hung open. ”Counseling?” He rolled his eyes, his tone louder than before. ”Kari, I'm sorry this is hard for you to accept, but you need to hear me. I want a divorce, not counseling. I'm in love with someone else.”

”That doesn't matter.” Kari leaned back and crossed her arms tightly in front of her. ”G.o.d can forgive you.”

Her husband swore under his breath and stared at her as if she'd just stepped off an alien s.p.a.ces.h.i.+p. ”I don't want G.o.d's forgiveness.” His voice filled the room. ”Not now, not ever. It's my life . .. however I choose to live it.” She opened her mouth to say something, but he held out a hand to stop her. ”I don't want your forgiveness either. I don't want to be married. It's not fair to either of us.” He paused, and the dejected calm returned to his tone. ”I want a divorce. Nothing less.”

Again a strength she couldn't explain coursed through her. ”You're my husband, Tim. We promised each other forever. Whatever you've done, G.o.d can help me forgive you. We can get counseling and work it out.”

Tim glared at her, got up and crossed the room, and grabbed the overnight bag he had brought home with him. He stood that way for a moment; then he let it fall once more and slowly came

32.

to stand with his feet nearly touching hers. ”I loved you, Kari.” He shrugged, and his eyes were sadder than they'd been since he arrived. ”I never meant to hurt you with this. But I'm not staying married to you. I can't live a lie.” His voice grew softer. ”I'm moving in with Angela tonight.”

”No ...” The comment was out before Kari could stop it. The veneer of calm was giving way, threatening to release an avalanche of rage and pain and heartache.

She could feel her limbs shaking from her scattered emotions, and her mind raced as she considered her options.

Tim raked his fingers over the tops of his thighs as if he was trying to keep from shouting at her. Then his hands relaxed, and he spoke quietly, simply. ”I'm sorry, Kari.”

Without waiting another moment, he grabbed his bag again and headed toward their bedroom.

”Don't do this, Tim.” Her words trailed after him, but he didn't look back. She closed her eyes and screamed, ”Help me, G.o.d! I don't know what to do.”

For the next thirty minutes she stayed anch.o.r.ed to the chair. She heard him searching through the closet and pictured him finding his suitcase. She listened to the sound of dresser drawers and closet doors opening and closing, and finally he appeared in the living room once more.

He had a suitcase in each hand, the overnight bag hanging from his shoulder.

She felt like a dazed accident victim. ”Don't go.”

Again the words seemed strangely out of place, as if they were coming from someone else. Tim was in love with another woman and wanted a divorce. He'd become the crudest man he could ever be. He'd broken their wedding vows and done the one thing that would give her a scriptural excuse for ending their marriage.

But despite her anger and grief, despite the shock that still shook her body, she knew one thing for certain: She didn't want 33 a way out. She didn't want to give up on her promise to stay no matter what, to love no matter the cost.

Her anger subsided. ”Stay.” Sorrow and fear smothered her voice. ”Work it out with me. Please.”

Tim hesitated, and she almost thought he might change his mind. She looked deeply into his eyes and willed him to hear her heart. Come on . . . don't give up on us. ...

”Good-bye, Kari. I'll call you tomorrow; we need to talk about the legalities.”

He took one step toward the front door. ”You can reach me at work.”

Kari stood. She thought of a dozen things she wanted to say and do. She wanted to walk up and slap him across the face, spit at him, or kick him in the leg.

She wanted to punch a hole in the wall or collapse in a heap and have a complete breakdown-the one only G.o.d was holding at bay, the one she was certain to have in the hours and days and weeks ahead.

Instead, she looked at Tim as he walked out the door and said just one thing.

”I won't give you a divorce.”

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She slept on the couch, crying so hard she thought her ribs would break.

Countless times Kari considered going back to the woman's apartment, finding Tim, asking him if it weren't all a bad dream. Begging him to tell her it wasn't true, that he wasn't in love with one of his students, determined never to come home.

But in the end she stayed on the couch.

The truth was so real it was suffocating. Sometime around three o'clock in the morning, her heart began skipping about in irregular patterns. Sweat broke out across her forehead and she felt flushed. Kari recognized the symptoms. She was having an anxiety attack.

Small wonder.