Part 18 (1/2)
For a moment, I felt we were dancing around the subject. But I said nothing. I had made a promise to Robert to leave it alone. And a promise is a promise.
Glenda interrupted my thoughts. ”I do thank you for your trouble, Miss Louisa, but I just ain't ready,” she repeated.
Not ready? Not ready? What was the matter with people in this town? No one seemed to be ready for change. When I first arrived in Copper Springs, Robert didn't want William to be taught how to communicate because he didn't think William was ready. He was wrong. Glenda had been beaten up at the tavern where she worked but wasn't ready to make a change. And here I had a job and a place to stay for her!
Lord, give me patience! I silently demanded.
”Miss Louisa, the thing is that Miss Betty's been teachin' me a lot about the Bible, and I just ain't ready to leave it yet. I spent a life without it and got myself into a heap of trouble. It just seems as if it wouldn't hurt me none if I took a little more time to get acquainted with it before I get on my way.”
Just then, Betty came outside with the teapot and poured us each a fresh cup.
”The truth is, Miss Louisa, I just never figured G.o.d thought much of me,” added Glenda.
”And He sure does,” rea.s.sured Betty. ”One of the great mysteries of all time is that G.o.d cares about each and every last one of us. Says so in the Good Book. Am I right, Louisa?” she asked, looking to the pastor's houseguest for official confirmation of theology.
My heart sank; it felt as heavy as a brick. ”Yes, Betty,” I said. ”Yes, you're right.” Oh Lord, what was the matter with me? What was happening to me that I thought I had the right answer for everybody? About everything?
I felt a sting as I thought of that verse Reverend Hubbell pointed out at church, when I could have sworn he looked straight at me as he spoke: ”A fool's voice is known by a mult.i.tude of words.”
Chagrined, I stood up to leave and reached over to hug Glenda. ”Of course I understand, Glenda. I'm sorry if I pressured you. I just want to help. I'm much too eager. It's one of my worst faults.”
The following day, William and I were returning back from the library when we spotted Robert standing on the front porch, home from his trip, talking to Miss Gordon.
William galloped to greet him, and Robert scooped him up for a hug. But as soon as I reached him, I could tell things had changed. Or rather he had changed toward me. He greeted me almost like a stranger.
”How was the meeting?” I asked with interest.
”Good. It was excellent. Well worth the trip,” he answered without elaborating.
”Did they thoroughly cover dispensationalism?” I asked.
”Thorough is just the right word for it.”
”And Peter Marshall? Did you get to meet him?”
”Yes. Yes, I did.” Then he turned to his aunt. ”Aunt Martha, Dr. Marshall had the thickest Scottish burr I've ever heard. Just like Grandfather Gordon's.” And with that, they went into the house, as Robert continued his stories from his trip.
As I remained alone on the front porch, it struck me that just a few weeks ago, he would have wanted to share these stories with me.
The next week reminded me of when I first arrived in Copper Springs. Robert stayed away from the house, insisting he needed to catch up on work. There was probably some truth to that, but I knew there was more to it. He was avoiding me. I had hurt him, and I didn't know how to get things back where they used to be.
One morning, as I was getting dressed for breakfast, I could hear Robert's and Miss Gordon's voices downstairs in the kitchen. It caught my attention because Robert didn't like to talk at breakfast. He liked to read the morning paper in the peace and quiet of a new day, he often said.
Do not eavesdrop, Louisa. Do not eavesdrop, I told myself over and over, as I inched closer to the radiator. But then I heard someone mention my name. I carefully unscrewed the cap of the radiator and leaned my ear against it.
”Robert, put down that paper and listen to me,” I heard Miss Gordon order. ”I said that Cousin Ada wrote to ask if Louisa could come and stay with her this summer. She says she's been pining for company since her Teddy died last winter. I thought I should write her back today but I don't know what excuse I should give her to say that Louisa can't come. You know how insistent Ada can be when she gets something in her head.”
I heard the rustle of the newspaper as Robert put it down on the table. ”Maybe it's not such a bad idea.”
”What? Why would you say that? You know how devoted William is to her.”
”Exactly because of that. William needs to realize that Louisa is not planning to stay in Copper Springs. It might be good if he sees her come and go; he'll get used to the idea. That way, when she leaves for good, it will be less of a blow to him.”
”Are we talking about William here?” she asked. ”Or you?”
Then there was silence.
I could just envision Robert's back stiffening as it so often did when I asked him a question that was too personal, too pointed.
”I'm going to take my coffee and paper into my office,” Robert answered, his voice bristling. I heard the kitchen door close behind him.
I screwed the cap back on the radiator and sat down on my bed. After overhearing that conversation, I realized I couldn't get things back the way they were. The connection between Robert and me had been broken.
The sad, apparent truth was that the time had come for me to leave the Gordon home. What made me sadder still was that I agreed with Robert. It would be better for William to realize that I would be leaving soon. With Mrs. Morgan available to help, it seemed like a good time to prepare him for that eventuality.
Since Glenda wasn't ready for my wonderful plan for her new life, I thought it would be wise if someone could use it. So that someone would be me. And, I reasoned, I'd rather work as a waitress, earning money for my return ticket to Germany, than to go sit in Phoenix and play the piano for Ada's bridge parties. I still couldn't think of her without feeling queasy.
By remaining close by but not actually in Copper Springs, I could continue to see William as often as possible. For as attached as that little boy was to me, I felt the same attachment to him. And I couldn't deny it would be wise to separate myself from Robert, too.
My feelings about his absence during that trip to the General a.s.sembly Meeting caught me by surprise; I realized I was getting perilously dependent on him. I nearly slipped up, too, that last night before he left.
I knew the crucial importance of remaining detached. I was even a little ashamed of myself, but I had a renewed resolve. My back-up plan was in place. Maybe this was all a blessing in disguise, I decided. Maybe G.o.d was helping me to prepare to return to Germany, by providing a way for me to separate from those relations.h.i.+ps in America that might make it complicated for me to leave.
That evening, after Miss Gordon went up to her room to listen to her soap opera and William was tucked into bed, I went over and knocked on Robert's office door.
”Come in,” he said. He barely glanced up at me from his desk.
”I just wanted to tell you something.” I leaned against the door. ”While you were away, we took William to Bisbee to see the tutor. During the hour William studied with Mrs. Morgan, your aunt and I went over to have coffee at the Prospector's Diner. Do you remember that waitress, Wilma? The one who said I fell off the turnip truck? And then she offered me a job?”
He nodded, showing no expression.
”Well, she offered me a job again. She really meant it. So I've been thinking it over. The war should be over soon, and I really should earn some more money to return to Germany. And then I noticed that William's tutor is renting a room out in her house. So, you see, the two opportunities presented themselves on the same day.”
He leaned back in his chair. Now I had his attention.
”I thought it was very timely. Providential, actually. I'm going to accept Wilma's job offer and move to Bisbee. That way, I could still see William fairly often, and we could keep up with the correspondence lessons. Mrs. Morgan is an excellent tutor; I think she will be able to help you and your aunt carry on with William's language skills. It won't be quite the same, but at least I could continue to see him. At least until I return to Berlin.”
His facial expression didn't change. With a level gaze, he finally said, ”so you've worked this all out.”
”Yes. It's all settled. I'll leave next week when William has his session with Mrs. Morgan. Your aunt could drive us over and then I'll just remain.”
”So that's what you want to do.” He rubbed his chin.
”Yes. It's all decided,” I said, looking down.
”And you've prayed about this?”
I glanced up at him. The nerve of that remark. How pious! How patronizing! I wanted to shout. Instead, I said as coolly as I could, ”Please don't use your pulpit voice with me.” The truth was that I hadn't yet prayed about this decision. I'd done everything but pray.