Part 6 (1/2)

If only I could just get her to come back.

”Is she okay?” Hunter asks, coming to stand next to me as I wait for Mackenzie to recover from her panic attack.

”Yeah, go grab some water,” I order, still waiting patiently. I'm careful not to touch her. Knowing my closeness pushed her into a memory and caused her panic attack, f.u.c.ks with me. The last thing she needs is for my hands to be on her, which could possibly push her right back into another one. It's the last thing either of us need.

”Beau,” she tries to stand, but I don't let her. All thoughts of not touching her flee and my hand comes down on her shoulder forcing her back into her seat.

”Keep breathing, darlin'.” Her eyes squeeze shut and she takes in another large, deep breath.

”Oh, G.o.d, how embarra.s.sing,” she says when she finally catches her breath and calms herself.

”Forget about it,” I dismiss her concern. It's the last thing I'm thinking.

As soon as I stepped into her s.p.a.ce, forcing her back to the wall, I knew I f.u.c.ked up. The fear was.h.i.+ng over her face, the blank look glazing over her eyes... it was nearly too painful to watch. I managed to move her to the sofa and maneuver her head between her legs to control her breathing. What I just did to her in the hall has played out for her before, and judging by her reaction, last time it ended a whole lot f.u.c.king worse.

Which is the reason why I should have known. Any sort of fast movement can set her off. I know this. I f.u.c.king see it every day. The women we pick up, at all stages, can react the same. I don't even know why I felt comfortable enough to tease her. Maybe it was the way she was smiling at me, acting like her ex isn't out there waiting for a chance to get his hands on her. In the last seven days, I've watched her relax into a comfortable routine. The scared, broken Mackenzie who showed up on our doorstep is still there, but as each day pa.s.ses, her confidence has started to grow.

After a few more minutes of running the whole scene over and over in my head, and how I messed up, Hunter finally returns with a gla.s.s of water. Taking it from him, I step forward slowly and press the edge of the gla.s.s to her lips. She takes a few sips before pus.h.i.+ng the gla.s.s away. I hand it back to Hunter and nod toward the door, silently telling him to f.u.c.k off. He begins to retreat as Mackenzie's hand reaches out and grabs me.

”I'm sorry, Beau. I can't believe I reacted like this.” She moves to stand, breaking our connection.

”Don't ever apologize, Kenzie. I shouldn't have trapped you in.” I follow her up, not ready to leave her alone just yet. She looks back, eyes wild with distress and shame. ”Hey, I'm serious, darlin'. You don't ever have to hide from me. There is nothing you have to be embarra.s.sed about. I get it.”

”You do?” Her voice is small, almost overly controlled. A facade. Only I can see right through it.

”It was my fault. I should be the one apologizing. Not you,” I offer, hoping to relieve some of her embarra.s.sment. She doesn't say anything, but something silent pa.s.ses between us. Like we both know it's less about whose fault it is, and more about what just happened between us, but we're not discussing it.

”I'm still hungry,” she finally says before turning and moving toward the kitchen.

I want to stay where we are, ask her about the exact moment she was taken back to in her panic, but I'm not sure I can handle what she'd say. So I don't. I keep my questions to myself and follow her into the kitchen.

”So, how was your day?” She sets about pulling out food from the fridge as if nothing happened. I move toward her with the intent to take over, wanting her to fully recover from the anxiety I know is still running through her.

”Stop, Beau. You sit, I have this,” she orders the same way I would and I nearly laugh.

”I'm helping. Don't think you can boss me, woman.” She narrows her eyes on me but doesn't say anything else. The tension between us still stirs from earlier.

”Can't you just let someone do something for you once, Beau?”

”I don't like to be told what to do,” I tell her, trying to explain the way I am.

”I've noticed. Why?” She stops and waits for my answer.

”Because I like control, darlin'.” I wait for her reaction. There's a possibility she might pull away from me, put her walls back up at my confession, but I'm not going to hide who I am around her.

”You know I spent too many years with someone who wanted control, Beau.” She pulls out a fresh loaf of bread and lays out four slices.

”There are many types of control, darlin'.” Her hand is still on the mustard jar but she doesn't reply. ”The difference is I wouldn't hurt a woman like your ex hurt you.”

”You know there was a time when I believed Chad when he said he wouldn't hurt me.”

I practically come out of my skin at her comparison, but manage to control it. ”Do you think I would ever hurt you, Kenzie? You think I'm like him?” She doesn't answer at first and it guts me. A small sliver of pain aches its way through my body until it reaches my heart. We both know I'm nothing like him, but I need to hear it from her. Need to know she doesn't think of me the same way. Like him.

”No, Beau. Of course not. I didn't mean... I know you wouldn't hurt me. It's just Chad took so much from me, and I've fought so hard to come back from there. I just don't ever see myself in that sort of situation again.” Her reasoning makes sense, but it doesn't stop my displeasure at hearing it.

Get over it, f.u.c.ker.

”I understand why you think that. I do, darlin', but the difference between the control Chad took and the control I crave is, if it's done right, it can be more than you ever thought you would like.”

”I doubt it.” She scoffs before moving about the kitchen. I don't want to get into it with her anymore. Clearly, we're both so different, on two separate sides of the universe with our wants and needs. I'm not even sure she knows what I'm getting at, but at least she has some understanding of what I'm about.

Not that it matters.

It will never matter.

”You find any info on Chad yet?” Nix asks later that night when the clubhouse is in the full swing of a weekend party.

”Nope, f.u.c.king dead end after dead end. Tiny is working a lead, but to tell you the truth, Jackson might be right. Maybe the f.u.c.ker got messed up in something bigger than this.” When Jackson was here last week talking to Mackenzie, he commented that the Mayor was riding him to follow some leads on Chad going off-grid.

”You'd think the Mayor would be on it, plastering his face over the TV if he were really missing,” He kicks his legs up on a chair across from him.

”Yeah, something doesn't add up. Jackson said he has a re-election coming up. Still, you'd think he'd put something out there. Maybe he knew Chad f.u.c.ked-up with Kenz again.” We fall silent for a bit, both of us trying to piece it all together. Over lunch today, I tried to get Mackenzie to open up some more about Chad, but she shut right down again. Part of me thinks she's still shaken up by Chad finding her, but a small part of me thinks it's something more. I don't want to keep pus.h.i.+ng her, so I've decided to let it go. If she wants to talk, she can come to me.

”So, how you doing otherwise?” I let the Chad subject go, wondering the last time we checked in with each other outside of club business.

”Besides the s.h.i.+t with Mackenzie and the s.h.i.+t with Paige, never better.” His laugh is dry and I can sense his concern.

”You getting s.h.i.+t from the markers we called in for Paige?”

”Not yet, but I know it's f.u.c.king coming. Knowing T, who the f.u.c.k can tell what he'll want.”

T is the President of the Warriors, another club just outside of town. While we keep our business legit, the Warriors walk on the opposite side. Owing them a marker is bad for business. Those a.s.sholes don't give a f.u.c.k what side of the law you walk on. They call a marker, you deliver.

”No point getting yourself twisted over it. We'll deal with it. Simple.” Nix nods, but doesn't say anything. I know he's stewing on it, but the way I see it is we can't undo it. And I sure as f.u.c.k wouldn't want to. It brought Paige to safety and out of the monster's hands she was thrown into. h.e.l.l, after only hearing the basics of what Bell's sister endured for more than five years, I'd be happy to owe T five f.u.c.king markers if it meant we saved her.

”How's Mackenzie settling in?” He changes the subject when he sees her walk out with Kelly and Kadence. I can still see her unease when everyone is around, but she's growing more comfortable with them.

”She's doing okay. Had a meltdown today. Besides that, she's adjusting as good as she can under the circ.u.mstances.” I'm surprised it took this long for her to show her vulnerable side. She was getting so good at pretending she was fine, I almost forgot she had a past.

”You still doing okay with her here?”

”Don't know why I wouldn't. Things haven't changed.” Nix's eyes come to mine at my quick fire response.