Part 30 (2/2)
”Still, I'd like you to get into this taxi,” said Julian, hailing one from the door.
Stella looked at him searchingly. ”I should be really angry if you tried to carry me off,” she warned him.
”My dear Stella,” said Julian, meeting her eyes imperturbably, ”I haven't the nerve to try such an experiment. I'm far too much afraid of you. Get in, won't you? The man'll give me a hand.” He turned to the driver. ”Drive wherever you like for a quarter of an hour,” he explained, ”and then stop at the town hall.”
The taxi swung into the darkened thoroughfare, and Julian caught Stella in his arms and kissed her as if he could never let her go.
”Not very clever of you,” he murmured, ”not to guess why I wanted a taxi.”
[Ill.u.s.tration: ”Not very clever of you,” he murmured, ”not to guess why I wanted a taxi”]
Stella clung to him speechlessly. She did not know what to say; she only knew that he was there and that the desperate loneliness of the empty world was gone.
She wanted to speak of the things that she believed in, she wanted not to forget to rea.s.sure him, in this great subdual of her heart; but she did not have to make the effort. It was Julian who spoke of these things first.
He spoke hurriedly, with little pauses for breath, as if he were running.
”I know now,” he said, ”I've been a fool and worse. I saw it as soon as I looked at you; it broke me all up. How could I tell you'd mind losing a man like me? I'm glad it's dark; I'm glad you can't see me. I'm ashamed. Stella, the fact is, I gave you up because I couldn't stick it; my nerve gave way.”
”I shouldn't have left you so soon; it was all my fault for leaving you,” Stella murmured.
”That rather gives the show away, doesn't it,” asked Julian ”not to be able to stand being left?”
”You weren't thinking only of yourself,” Stella urged defensively.
”Wasn't I?” said Julian. ”I kept telling myself I was behaving decently when I was only being grand. Isn't that thinking of yourself?”
”But on the downs,” urged Stella, ”you weren't like that, darling.”
”You were on the downs, remember,” said Julian. ”I got your point of view then--to give in, anyhow, to love. It wasn't easy, but it made it more possible that if I didn't marry you, you only had hard work and a dull life. It seemed different when I heard about that fellow Travers.
You see, that cut me like a knife. I kept thinking--well, you know what a man like me keeps thinking--at least I don't know that you do. It was my business to fight it through alone.”
”No it isn't,” Stella protested quickly. ”We haven't businesses that aren't each other's.”
”Well,” admitted Julian, ”I couldn't bear thinking I'd cheated you out of my own values; so I let yours slide. I knew, if I gave you the choice, you'd stick to me; but I couldn't trust you not to make a mistake. That's where my nerve broke down.”
”Ah, but I didn't know,” whispered Stella; ”I didn't know enough how to show you I loved you. If you'd seen, you wouldn't have broken down. I was afraid to try. Now I can. All these six months have eaten up my not knowing how.” She put her arms around his neck and kissed him. ”You see, I do know how!”
He held her close, without speaking; then he murmured: ”And knowing how doesn't make you afraid?”
”It's the only thing that doesn't,” said Stella, lifting her eyes to his.
The taxi stopped before the door of the town hall.
”And have I got to let you go now?” Julian asked gently.
”I shall never really go,” Stella explained; ”but you can let me get out and tidy up the surveyor's papers, and then be free for you to-morrow.”
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