Part 31 (1/2)
Julian opened the door for her. She stood for a moment under the arc of light beneath the lamp-post looking back at him.
The love between them held them like a cord. Julian had never felt so little aware of his helplessness; but he wondered, as he gazed into her eyes, if Stella realized the bitterness of all that they had lost.
She neither stirred nor spoke. She held his eyes without faltering; she gave him back knowledge for knowledge, love for love; and still there was no bitterness. At last he knew that she had seen all that was in his heart; and then for a moment, if but for a moment, Julian forgot what they had lost; he remembered only what they had found.
CHAPTER XXIX
When Stella reentered the town hall the porter was still sitting at his desk near the door, but every one else had gone.
”Oh, I hope I have not kept you, Humphreys,” Stella said apologetically.
”I had no idea it was so late. I'll be as quick as I can.”
”Mr. Travers is still in 'is room,” Humphreys admitted gloomily; ”'e came back an hour ago. Gawd knows how long 'e'll be at it. There's been a tri-bunal and wot not this afternoon. Talk abaht mud in the trenches!
'Alf the gutters of Lunnon 'as been dribbling through this 'ere 'all.
I've asked for an extra char, an', what's more, I mean ter 'ave 'er. War or no war, I'll 'ave a woman under me.”
The surveyor's office was empty. Stella's papers were just as she had left them, but her whole life lay in between.
She would never copy the surveyor's plans again or do the office accounts or look through the correspondence. She would not hover in the drafty pa.s.sages and listen to the grumbling Humphreys nor stand outside gla.s.s doors and help bewildered fellow-clerks over their blunders before they went in to face a merciless authority.
She would probably never see green baize again. She tried to fix her mind on the accounts, but through the columns of figures ran the wind from the downs. The half-darkened, empty room filled itself with Amberley.
She tried to imagine her life with Julian. It would be unlike anything she had lived before; it would require of her all she had to give. The town hall had not done this. It had taken the outer surfaces of her mind, her time, and much of her youth: but her inner self had been free.
It was not free now; it had entered that dual communion of love. It was one with Julian, and yet not one; because she knew that though he filled every entrance to her heart, though her mind companioned his mind, and her life rested on him, yet she was still herself. She would be for Julian the Stella of Amberley, but she would not cease to be the Stella of the town hall.
She would not part with her experiences; poverty, drudgery, the endless petty readjustments to the ways of others should belong to her as much as joy. Privilege should neither hold nor enchain her, and she would never let anything go.
She would keep her people, her old interests, Mr. Travers, even the surveyor, if he wished to be kept. Stella mightn't be able to impart them to Julian, but she could give him all he wanted and still have something to spare. Julian himself would profit by her alien interests; he would get tired of a woman who hadn't anything to spare. Stella was perfectly happy, but she could still see over the verge of her happiness. Joy had come to her with a shock of surprise which would have puzzled Julian. He had the strength of attack, which is always startled when it cannot overcome opposition. Julian never cooperated with destiny, he always fought it. Sometimes he overcame it; but when it overcame him, he could not resign himself to defeat. Stella took unhappiness more easily; in her heart, even now, she believed in it. She believed that the balance of life is against joy, that destiny and fate prey upon it, overcloud it, and sometimes destroy it; and she believed that human beings can readjust this balance. She believed in a success which is independent of life, an invisible and permanent success.
She did not think of this for herself, it never occurred to her that she possessed it; but she believed in its existence, and she wanted it, and sought for it, in every soul she knew. She wanted it most for Julian, but she did not think it could be got for him to-morrow. She did not expect to get it for him, though she would have given all she possessed to help him to obtain it.
She only hoped that he would win it for himself, and that she would not be a hindrance to his winning it; that was as far as Stella's hopes carried her before she returned to the accounts.
When she had finished the accounts, she took them to the town clerk's room.
Mr. Travers was sitting as usual at his desk, but he did not appear to be writing. Perhaps he was also doing his accounts.
”I'm afraid,” Stella said apologetically, ”I'm very late with these papers, Mr. Travers. I was detained longer than I had intended.”
”I expected you to be late,” said Mr. Travers, quietly. ”In fact, I should not have been surprised if you had not returned at all. It occurred to me that you might not come back to the town hall again.”
”I had to finish my work,” said Stella, gently, ”and I wanted to see you; but after this, if you and Mr. Upjohn can find some one else to take my place, I shall not return. I know I ought not to leave you in the lurch like this without proper notice; I should have liked to have given you at least another week to find some one to take my place, but I am afraid I must leave at once.”
”I think I can make a temporary arrangement to tide us over,” Mr.