Part 34 (2/2)
”Except of course not anymore, now, right? Thanks to Mrs. Tissaw and the evangelist.”
”I guess so.”
”And what am I, Lenore, in terms of talking? Am I a mannequin? Am I a Bloemker-doll?”
”You know what I mean, Rick. I'm grateful for you. You know I am.”
”So you do love me, then. I do have you, after all.”
”You know I hate this 'having' stuff.”
”So I'll settle for the fact that you love me.”
”All right, you can settle for it.”
”So you do love me.”
”What did I just say?”
”What did you just say, Lenore? As usual I'm really not sure. I certainly didn't hear the word 'love' exit your mouth.”
”Some words have to be explicitly uttered, Lenore. Only by actually uttering certain words does one really do what one says. 'Love' is one of those words, performative words. Some words can literally make things real.”
”You and Gramma Lenore should get together, is who should get together. I'm sure she'd hit you with all the paddles you want. Bats, mallets, boards with nails in them ...”
”For Christ's sake, Lenore.”
”I do the best I can, Rick.”
”So you do love me.”
”I do the best I can.”
”Meaning exactly what?”
”So then why do you love me?”
”Oh, gee. I'd really really rather not do this now.” rather not do this now.”
”No, I'm serious, Lenore, why? On the basis of what? I need to know, so that I might try desperately to reinforce those features of me on the basis of which you love me. So that I can have you inside myself, for all time.”
”You could just stop the having-talk, for one thing.”
”Please, please. Oh, please.”
”I know I'm more than a little neurotic. I know I'm possessive. I know I'm fussy and vaguely effeminate. Largely without chin, neither tall nor strong, balding badly from the center out, so that I'm forced to wear a ridiculous beret-though of course a very nice beret, too.”
”And s.e.xually intrinsically inadequate, Lenore, let's please both explicitly face it, for once. I cannot possibly satisfy you. We cannot unite. The Screen Door of Union is for me unenterable. All I can do is flail frantically at your outside. Only at your outside. I cannot be truly inside you, close enough only for the risk of pregnancy, not true fulfillment. Our being together must leave you feeling terribly empty. Not to mention of course more than a little messy.”
”So why, then? List the features on the basis of which you love me, and I will exercise them unmercifully, until they grow and swell to fill the field of your emotional sight.”
”What is with you?”
”Please tell.”
”Rick, I don't know. I think you and I maybe just have a different conception of this, you know, this 'love' thing.”
”I think for me there gets to be a sort of reversal, after a while, and then mostly things don't matter.”
”Reversal? Explain, explain.”
”This is embarra.s.sing.”
”Please.”
”At first you maybe start to like some person on the basis of, you know, features of the person. The way they look, or the way they act, or if they're smart, or some combination or something. So in the beginning it's I guess what you call features of the person that make you feel certain ways about the person.”
”Things are not looking at all good, here.”
”But then if you get to where you, you know, love a person, everything sort of reverses. It's not that you love the person because of certain things about the person anymore; it's that you love the things about the person because you love the person. It kind of radiates out, instead of in. At least that's the way ... oh, excuse me. That's the way it seems to me.”
”Oh G.o.d. And that's what's happened with me? There's been the reversal?”
”Well Rick it's just dumb for you to go to like a features-gym and start exercising features. That's just dumb.”
”So things have indeed reversed, then.”
”Lenore?”
”Stop trying to pin me, Rick. I feel like a b.u.t.terfly on a board.”
”But if such a propensity-to-pin is a feature of me, then you must love that feature, if there's been the reversal.”
”I guess I'm not saying it right. I'd really rather not do this now. I feel all public, saying this stuff.”
”What about, for example, Lang? Do you suppose a Lang-love involves a reversal? Does a Lang ever stop loving on the basis of features and qualities?”
”Especially don't want to talk about him, OK?” don't want to talk about him, OK?”
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