Part 34 (1/2)
”I certainly know one particular feathered animal I wouldn't mind him eating.”
”That's not even a tiny bit funny, Rick.”
”I'm sorry. To be honest, though, I think it will be good for you, to have the bird out of your hair, so to speak, until this nursing-home and thin-brother business gets cleared up.”
”Poor Vlad the Impaler. All he ever wanted was a mirror and some food and a dish to go to the bathroom in.”
”A dish he used with distressing infrequency, remember.”
”I just can't believe Mrs. Tissaw was saying he'd done thousands of dollars of damage to the room. That's just a lie. She was standing there lying to me.”
”She's clearly in some sort of religious ecstasy. People in religious ecstasies put live snakes in their mouths. Mate with the eyesockets of rotting skulls. Smear themselves with dung. Bird-damage delusions are small potatoes.”
”I've never had a shower feel any better than that shower did.”
”You must have been in there quite a while, for them to have time to spirit the bird away before you returned.”
”No one spirited anyone away. They just had him down in a van. And actually I guess that was sort of good, because it at least in a way took the decision out of my hands, right then. So I didn't have to make any split-second decisions with those white-hot TV lights on me, which would have been spasm city.”
”But you laid down the law that it's just for a month.”
”Candy and I squeaked faintly that it's just for thirty shows as they all peeled away in their dumb vans, with the antennas. I told Mrs. Tissaw that if it's more than a month without my permission I'll take legal action. But I don't think she was too impressed.”
”We will take action, if necessary. We can use that man F and V has on retainer. G.o.d knows he owes us some sort of work for his fee. Or I'll get us one on our own, and pay for it. The bird is after all legally mine, remember.”
”What do you mean? You gave him to me for Christmas. I said that was the best Christmas present I'd ever gotten, remember?”
”And plus you hate Vlad the Impaler. You make that clear all the time.”
”I'll admit I regret buying him for you. But, legally speaking, I have the receipt from Fuss 'n' Feathers pet shop. And, more to the point, as you may recall, on the relevant Christmas I did give you what you asked for, while you did not not give me what I asked for. Had there been some sort of emotionally fulfilling Christmas exchange, that would have been one thing. As it was, it was one-sided. I never received my gift. Thus in some emotional dash legal deep sense the bird remains technically mine.” give me what I asked for. Had there been some sort of emotionally fulfilling Christmas exchange, that would have been one thing. As it was, it was one-sided. I never received my gift. Thus in some emotional dash legal deep sense the bird remains technically mine.”
”You said you liked the beret I gave you.”
”But it's not what I asked asked for.” for.”
”Look, we've been through this. I told you I just won't do that stuff. If you cared in any non-creepy way, you'd only want to do what I want to do. And I don't don't want to be tied up, and I'm sure not going to hit your bottom with any paddles. It's just sick.” want to be tied up, and I'm sure not going to hit your bottom with any paddles. It's just sick.”
”You don't understand. Any possible sickness is obviated by the motivation behind it, as tried-”
”Incredibly dangerous territory, Rick. Let's abort.”
”If you really loved me you'd let me.”
”That's not even going to get dignified.”
”You do love me.”
”Let's not do this.”
”Anyway, the point is that my emotional and economic and legal resources are behind you all the way. As it were. And don't think this has anything to do with any royalties. You can keep all the royalties Swaggert promised you, though I must say I think the figure's got to be a little inflated.”
”Sykes.”
”Sykes. He really wore white leather, with letters on the chest?”
”It would have been funny if it hadn't been so obscene. And I hated his cowboy boots.”
”Footwear, again.”
”And Lang was being incredibly obnoxious to Candy, I thought. His tongue was swinging down around his knees, practically. G.o.d knows what all happened after we dropped him back off.”
”Nothing she won't want to happen.”
”You're mean. Anyway she's snagged the president of Allied Sausage Casings himself, now, she told me. Nick Allied. She finally bagged him, she said. She wore that violet dress about a week in a row. That dress is way too small for her.”
”And of course when push comes to shove Lang is married, as well, to your-”
”The worst thing about the Vlad thing is going to be the embarra.s.sment. The money, well I don't know what to think about any money-promises. But Sykes's career is going to be shot for sure when Dad and Neil Obstat come out with the pineal food and the talking business becomes clear and people make the connection that he's my bird, and I'm related to Dad. And eventually the police are just going to have to get called about Gramma, and the other residents and staff, and then there'll be newspapers. It's going to look like Sykes tried to put something over on all those poor people who like send his club their medicine money every week so they can be partners with G.o.d or whatever. It's going to look like I maybe helped him perpetrate a fraud.”
”You tried to tell him, Lenore.”
”It was totally impossible. He was incapable of listening. I'd mention the word 'father,' and off he'd go, stomping his foot and pointing his finger at the ceiling. And he had horrible breath. I think maybe the worst breath I've ever smelled, on anybody. He absolutely dwarfed ludith, who was the previous champion.”
”I loathe Prietht.”
”At least Lang got the room. He'll be of help to me.”
”And you know I'm going to miss him. I liked b.i.t.c.hing about his mirror with Candy. I didn't mind vacuuming his seeds and his gunk. And I really didn't even mind hearing him say obscene stuff. His talking was almost sort of nice.”
”What are your thoughts on Lang, overall?”
”Although there was something cruel about it-it was almost like Gramma was being deliberately cruel. She got me all used to hearing her talk to me all the time ...”
”He's not what we're used to, but I do feel affinities.”
”... and then off she goes, and takes off, and won't talk to me, but fixes it so that now Vlad talks to me, except all Vlad can really do is repeat what I say to him, and even that not too well ...”
”Not precisely sure why I feel affinities, but I do. Two inside outsiders ...”
”... so that it's like I'm sort of talking to myself, alone, now, except even more so, because there's now this little feathered pseudo-myself outside me that constantly reminds me it's just myself I'm talking to, only.”