Chapter 8 (1/2)

Translation: I Want to Eat Your Pancreas by Yoru Sumino (Chapter 8)

Synopsis

One day, I - a high schooler - found a paperback in the hospital The “Disease Coexistence Journal” was its title It was a diary that my classmate, Sakura Yamauchi, had written in secret Inside, it ritten that due to her pancreatic disease, her days were numbered And thus, I coincidentally went fro-Class drawn to her, as irl that was already suffering from an illness with an equally cruel reality…

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The rain was falling Su to an end, but hat had happened, nobody was likely to be in the hts upon waking up It was already the tenthin a world without her

Incidentally, since I was the type to quickly settle h it in a panic right before the end of summer vacation

I headed down to the first floor to wash ht me as he entered the washrooed some pleasantries, and just as I was about to leave the washrooured that there was probably so about it would have been troublesoreeted my mother who stood in the kitchen, and seatedtable The usual breakfast had been prepared I held my boith both hands, and drank the miso soup Myan arolanced at her, she looked atout today huh”

“Yeah, after noon”

“Here, take this”

She had casually held out a white envelope to le ten thousand yen note had been slipped inside Shocked, I looked at oodbyes”

Having said only that, she turned to face the television, and laughed at an entertainer’s worthless line When I had finishedthe white envelope My

I passed the tiot dressed in my school uniform It just so happened that I had heard a ruo in a uniform than casual clothes, and not toto avoid arousing suspicion in the other family

I fixed my bed hair in the washroom on the first floor My mother had already left for work

I returned to- the money I received from my mother, my cellphone, and “The Little Prince” I was still unable to return the suh the front door of un in earnest - raindrops ricocheted off the ground, leaving my trousers dotted with a number of wet blotches Since it wouldn’t have done not to put up an uan instead to walk towards the girl’s house

It was , so there were few pedestrians on the public roads I quietly walked on the path to school

Dropping by a convenience store close to school, I bought a packet for the condolences Luckily, the store had a table for customers who intended to eat there, so I took the opportunity to sit down and transfer the money into the packet

I entered a residential area after walking for a while past school

Aah, I understood

In a corner of the residential area I thought of it, even though it was impudent

She had been killed somewhere around here There were pretty much no pedestrians in the area today It was probably the same that day too She had been stabbed Not by someone she had incurred the hatred of, or someone who sympathised with her fate, but someone from somewhere whose face she didn’t even know

Oddly, I didn’t feel a tinge of guilt If I hadn’t made plans with that day, she probably wouldn’t have died - there wasn’t any rets like that, and I already understood that it wasn’t that sort of problem

Some would probably think that the cool-headed h I was sad, that wouldn’t breakher, of course saddened me But there should have been many people that were sadder than me Her family that I was about to meet was one, Best-Friend-san was one, and probably the boy that was our class representative was one too When I thought about it like that, I was unable to honestly accept my sadness no ht, it wouldn’t bring her back The natural conclusion was to tightly keep ether

Under the rain, I walked And passed by the place where I had been hit

I wasn’t very nervous about going to her house I wasn’t thinking about anything beyond what to do if no one was ho before her house for the second time, I pressed the interphone without any hesitation, and after a short time passed, there was a response I was relieved

“……Who would this be?”

It was the ave oing, “Aah……”, she fell silent for a little bit before finally saying, “Please wait just one moment,” and the interphone cut off

I waited in the rain, until the front door was opened by a sliirl’sher poor coirl After we had exchanged greetings, she made a very constrained s been prompted to, entered the house

I closed the front door behinduninvited all of a sudden I had to attend to a separate matter, and was unable to show my face at the wake and funeral, so at the very least, I wish I could just offer so the words I had mixed lies into, she ht, since there’s no one else around right now I’hted too”

I wondered just where that delighted girl was, but of course, I didn’t say that aloud

I took off my shoes and walked deeper into the house as I had been proination, but the inside of the house looked wider than duringit feel just a little colder

I was led into the living roouess we should start with the prayer offering”

I nodded, and her uidedrooh I could feel my heart and body shi+ver as I looked into the rooed to stand firm, and with steps that I didn’t think looked unnatural, walked over to stand before a large wooden shelf with various items lined up on it

Her mom kneeled down, took out a match from below the shelf, and lit a fla for poking incense sticks in

“Sakura, your friend is here”

Her faint voice directed at the portrait on the shelf wasn’t conveyed anywhere - it reached only the vacantbeen prompted to do so, I sat in seiza on the floor cushi+on that had been placed there

Whether I was ready to or not, I ended up coirl’s portrait

Her shter, just as when she was still alive, even now

No good……

I turned h pitch sound froether

But for so to say incame to an end, I turned to face her ot off the floor cushi+on She smiled a tired smile atthat I borrowed froht if I were to pass it to Auntie?”

“Soirl…… Hmm, wonder what could it be”

I retrieved “The Little Prince” fro, and handed it over to her nised the paperback, her , and proceeded to place it beside the girl’s portrait like an offering

“……Thank you so verywith Sakura”

She respectfully lowered her head, leaving rateful, I had really been aided by her when she was alive She was always lively, and being together with her hten up too”

“……That’s true huh, she was lively”

Noticing the hesitation in her voice, it hit upon me that apart from me, nobody beyond her faht that I should have left it a secret, I realised I wouldn’t be able to bring upso

Truthfully,up thisperiod of tinored it and pushed on ahead

“ExcuseI’d like to talk about”

“Hentle, sorrowful face Once again, I struck down my conscience

“The truth is…… I knew about her illness”

“Huh……”

Her mom made a surprised face just like I had expected

“I had heard about it froine that so like this would have happened”

Still surprised, her ht both her arht, she hadn’t informed her faured that was probably the case If I had to say why, it was because even though I had run into Best-Friend-san in that ward of hers countless tih if it had happened, I was the one that would have been troubled

“The truth is, I had just happened to meet her in the hospital It was at that tih I still don’t understand why she decided to tell me”

I presumed upon her silence as she listened to my words, and continued

“She had kept it a secret fro up so Auntie, I’m sorry”

I broached the trueco my prayers, I’ve come with one other request I’d like to take a look at the book she had carried around like a diary”

“…………”

“The ‘Disease Coexistence Journal’”

Those words, were a trigger

Herherdown her cheeks Quietly, quietly, trying to suppress her voice, she cried

I didn’t understand thebehind her tears I could tell that they were likely born from sorrow, but as for which part of the truth that I knew about the girl’s illness had the effect of inducing further sorrow - I didn’t know That hy, unable to offer any words of comfort, I silently waited

Finally, while her tears had yet to dry, her mom looked intently at me, and proceeded to slowly talk about the reason for her tears

“So it was you huh……”

I wondered what she lad…… That you calad”

I understood less and less of what she meant Dumbfounded, I merely watched on as her tears trickled down

“Wait just a moment……”

Herbeen left behind, I thought about theca, her mom had returned to the rooht

“It’s this, right……”

While crying, her mom softly placed the paperback onto the floor, and turned it such that its front cover faced me That was certainly the book she had carried wherever she went It was the book which contents she had assiduously kept hidden, except for just one occasion

“Yes, this is the 'Disease Coexistence Journal’ I’ve heard that it was so after she became ill I’ve never seen its contents when she was alive, but I’ve heard froarding this , nodding, she wordlessly nodded her head countless tihtly-coloured skirt

I properly lowered my head and made my request

“Could I please, take a look at it?”

“…… Yes………… Of course, of course……”

“……Thank you veryof you, left behind”

My hands that were reaching out to the book caht I didn’t mean to, my arms stopped on reflex, and I looked up at herher face, she began to speak

“I heard about it…… Froirl wanted this diary…… To be passed to a certain person after she died…… To the one and only person…… Who knew about that girl’s illness………… She said that because…… That person knew the name 'Disease Coexistence Journal’……”

The tears that had stained her facebut listen Beside us, the sh that person………… That person…… Was a coward…… And may not come for the funeral, that person would definitely come to retrieve this…… And until then…… She said not to let anyone outside of our fairl’s words, clearly…… It really was, so finally been overwhel her face with both hands I could only sit there, dumbfounded This was different froirl had left, for h aps between the tears, her mom’s voice leaked out

“Thank you…… Thank you so irl was…… ……With you……”

No longer able to bear it, I picked up the paperback that had been placed beforeso

I began froues from when she was a middle schooler

“29th Noves, but it wouldn’t do not to write down so like this huh It hen I learnt that I had contractedwhat I should do, I got anxious and cried, got angry and took it out on s First off, I’d like to apologise toover me since then until I calmed down - thank you …………”

“4th Dece that I was ill, I started to think of various things One of which, wasill That is why, I’, but a disease coexistence journal …………”

Every few days, she would docus of her everyday life This carried on for a few years But even with that said, her accounts during this period were all pretty short Since I thought that they weren’t really related to what I wanted to know, I decided to skih for now Of course, there were accounts here and there that caught my attention

“12th October 20XX

I got a new boyfriend It’s an odd feeling If I continue with hier, I’ll probably have to tell hih”

“3rd January 20XX

We broke up So up within the first three days of the year - guess it ot comforted by Kyouko”

“20th January 20XX

One day I’ll have to tell Kyouko about my illness too But that can wait till the very lastfun with Kyouko Just in case Kyouko reads this, I’ll apologise for keeping quiet right here Sorry for not telling you that I’”

After graduating froether with Best-Friend-san, she enjoyed the joys of youth to the fullest One year passed, and she becahtly even as she felt death co that uts

“15th June 20XX

It seeh schooler I was totally split on whether to join a club or not, but I decided not to enter one in the end I even considered joining a few of the culture clubs, but in order to treasure the tio-ho all sweaty everyday playing volleyball Do your best, Kyouko!”

“12th March 20XX

It’s often said that watching the sakura scatter wouldthem bloo how et to see the sakura However, there’s an upside to that too Surely, the sakura I saw should be eneration saw ……”

“5th April 20 XX

I’ve becoot to be in the salad!!

There are also others like Hina and Rina, and as for boys, I’ht of it as all of the luck frouess it was only appropriate Speaking of which……”

And then, on a certain day in the , she met me We had known of each other from much earlier before, but it was that day that we met

“22nd April 20XX

Today was the first time I’ve talked to someone about my illness The other party was my classmate, ●●-kun He happened to pick up this paperback at the hospital, and he even read it, so thinking ”it doesn’t matter anymore!” I talked to him Maybe I wanted someone to listen me too Furthermore, ●●-kun doesn’t seem to have many friends, so I think that hy he seemed to have left an impression inside my heart The truth is that since before, I’ve been interested in ●●-kun We were actually in the same class in first year, but I wonder if he re books after all - it’s as if he’s quietly fighting against hi with hiht away Sihtly different vibe fro better with him He even knows my secret after all“

My name had been blotted out with a ballpoint pen Perhaps it was after I said that I didn’t want my name to appear that it was blotted out for an to overlap The accounts were generally done every three days Most of the content was trivial

”23rd April 20XX

I’ve becoe even if I say it here, but just what kind of school system allows people to freely choose their own committees? I called out to ●●-kun and he hthiot full points on a small test As expected of me! Actually, doesn’t ‘expectedofme’ sort of look like the naht Sooo, ●●-kun would frown, and he’d say interesting things It’s just by a little, but I’ht, he really is fighting against hiht it’s not like I hate that it’s hot Sweating gives ym class Apart from that, ●●-kun said not to include his nah I i words, unlike him, I’m basically obedient, so I’ll humour his requests from time to time From here on out, I’ll leave his name unmentioned”

It was just like I had thought I proceeded reading, and my name really didn’t appear after this day I also ca It was probably because the contents became like this that her mom couldn’t identify who it was that knew about her illness When I thought about her fa unnecessary Reading on, er

”8th August 20XX

Today, I received advice that I should use ht ”ho out and have fun with the person that gave me advice, and that I wanted to eat some yakiniku, so we promised to do that on Sunday …………“

”11th July 20XX

The yakiniku was delicious! And I enjoyed today too It’s regrettable that I can’t write about it in detail The one thing I’ll say is that, I’ in the deliciousness of horumon into others until I die After that…………”

“12th July 20XX

Today, I hastily made plans to and went to eat dessert It only occurred toclasses, so I had to co someone into those plans, and carry it out Since I kept on thinking about it, I probably didn’t do very well in my tests”

Just as ht of me disappeared all at once too It was a failure on my part

Around this point of ti

”13th July 20XX

Fro I want to do, I’ll write it down in here

・I want to go on a trip (with a boy)

・I want to eat delicious horuht of sos”

”15th July 20XX

・I want to do so that shouldn’t be done with a boy that isn’t my lover (lol)

I’ll write about my trip after I reach home”

”20th July 20XX

I results of ht! I enjoyed oing to start ht, but there’ll still be supplementary lessons Darn it”

”21st July 20XX

“It was a very bad, and good day Just a little bit, I cried alone Today was full of crying”

…………It must have been about that day That day e both ht an unexpected pain into the area around s

”22nd July 20XX

I’ to be hospitalised for around teeks So about how the nu here I’ on airs to those aroundon airs”

”24th July 20XX

Thinking of blowing ht in the act I was embarrassed, but also relieved that I was visited Tears came out, and I desperately hid them After that, tihter …………”

“27th July 20XX

So happened, but I can’t write about it because of a rule So I guess I’ll write aboutlife expectancy has been cut in half”

Reading the characters that had been lined-up, I was left speechless

“31st July 20XX

I told a lie I guess this wasn’t the first ti had happened, and I al about everything But I thought that was no good, so I didn’t say anything I didn’t want to let go of the everyday that had been given to me I aust 20XX

I orried about And I told a lie again After all, if someone makes such a relieved face, you can’t tell theh toin life that made me this happy Because I didn’t knoas this needed I was so happy, so happy, that I ended up crying once I was alone Even though I’s to be found out after I die too - as I thought, I’ood at poker”

“4th August 20XX

See to stop writing dark things now! I forgot about how I decided to always keep facing forward! Maybe I’ll even erase the records the past few days later”

“7th August 20XX

The truth is that ever since I’ve been hospitalised, as much as I could, I’d try to have two certain people run into each other, in the hopes that they’d start to get along, but it see until I die that the two of theic trick! I can’t wait to present it …………”

“10th August 20XX

My plans after getting discharged have been decided I’ like that seeht, I think It feels like the recent us, without pacing down, have been going as far as we can (lol) That’s fine too, but it’d be nice we could take it slow y’know The ust 20XX

I got a visit, and I ate my first wateruess a person’s likes don’t really change from when they’re a child huh But even with that said, it’s not like I’ll always love horumon I really can’t stand it when children chew noisily on mino (lol) I explained the rules of this book to my mom So I’ll write it down once more Until a certain person comes to retrieve this book, it absolutely cannot be shown to anyone outside of our fa Kyouko or anyone else for a hint either …………”

“16th August 20XX

I’ive me one last hospital visit Since I’ve received notice froer their visiting tis for them (lol), but even once is fine so, I’d like the three of us to get along and eat ato be discharged to time to the fullest! Yaaaaaaaaaaay!”

Her entries came to an end there

I wondered how I should put it

My concerns had been justified

Even though so had happened, she covered it up

Just like frouts Cal, and nothing could be done about it now - Ito ht of what I should be thinking of right now

I hadn’t found what I wished to find inside the “Disease Coexistence Journal” There was no clear answer as to what she had thought of ht of as i I already knew The manner in which she called me still eluded me