Part 10 (1/2)
In the beginning of my Christian experience I had but to see a truth to feel within a strong drawing to obedience. But now all was different.
The cold facts of my condition were plain to me, but there was no inward force compelling me to act according to the knowledge I had gained. I was tossed about and wished more than I can tell for some inward urging of the Spirit of G.o.d toward the performance of my duty. I did not know the truth that G.o.d accepts the decision of the will as the purpose of the heart. I supposed that no act could be acceptable to G.o.d unless it came from a warm feeling of love. The deadness and the apathy of my heart were sickening. I saw clearly the wretchedness of my condition, but there was no breaking up, no feeling of sorrow, no conviction (as I thought), no love for G.o.d. If I could only have shed some tears; if my soul had only been exercised for its own deliverance! But all within was as still as a stone; only my mind seemed active.
At last, however, I saw that this apparent lack of sorrow was only another step toward the utter repudiation of self. In the past, self had hidden behind my tears, and I had unconsciously trusted in my sorrow instead of in the Lord, thinking that surely because I felt so sorry, I should not repeat the offense. But a feeling of sorrow can not save, as I proved again and again by repeated failures, and so G.o.d, wis.h.i.+ng to strip me of anything in which to trust except himself, allowed me not even the satisfaction of tears or a breaking up of heart. He wished to teach me that real repentance is an act of the will and not of the emotions. For a tender heart, one should be grateful, but to trust in that for victory over sin or faults can only lead to repeated failure.
So at last I was willing to submit this point to him who doeth all things well and was willing to cast myself, unworthy, undone, without a vestige of hope in myself, nor a place to set my feet, wholly upon him and to believe that he took me AS I WAS, whether I was able to do or be anything or not, and would begin to work in me his divine will.
LEARNING MY MISTAKES
The same trouble arose about my lack of feeling any love for G.o.d. How could I, who had been the recipient of so many favors from the hand of G.o.d, be so hard-hearted as not to love him! Could I dare come to him or ask anything from him when I did not love him, when I had given so much place to self-love and had been so indifferent concerning the pleasure of my King? How difficult it is to come to G.o.d empty-handed! If only I might have brought at least a little love in my hand to offer him! But no, there seemed to be none; and at last my poor soul came to see and confess that, after all, it was not because of my love to him that he loved me and saved me, but because of his great mercy and love for me.
At length my soul, falling down before him, could cry out in truth,
”Nothing in my hand I bring; Simply to thy cross I cling.”
Then he taught me that love does not depend upon emotion; that so far as G.o.d is concerned, it is a free gift to us; that in order for us to enjoy it we must accept it as our own. The acceptance depends upon our will and decision in the matter, and not upon our feelings. To ill.u.s.trate: If a person does much for me that is hard and difficult for him, willingly makes many sacrifices for me, without any hope of reward, I conclude that he loves me far better than the one who does much for me for which he receives or expects remuneration. Nowhere does the Bible command us to =feel= like obeying the Lord; nowhere is it even suggested that we should =feel= like loving him. But we do find that G.o.d's pleasure rests upon those who ”=will= do his will” (John 7:17), and we do have this definition of love: ”This is the love of G.o.d, that we keep his commandments.” Feelings have nothing to do with the keeping of G.o.d's commands. Of course, it is more pleasant to us to do what we feel inclined to do, but it does not necessarily give more pleasure to G.o.d.
If we obey G.o.d because he is G.o.d and because it is right to obey him, we act from pure love, and the pleasure G.o.d feels toward such service will in time be poured out upon the soul in streams of love, and there will be all the feeling desired.
Thus, I saw that if I willed to love G.o.d and acted as nearly as possible as I should act if I felt the glow of his love in my heart, this was more acceptable to him than the same service would be if rendered because my feelings prompted me to do it.
VICTORY OVER ACCUSATIONS
In acting upon this truth, I was often accused of being a hypocrite, because my prayers, my manifestations of love and interest in others, and whatever I did for the Lord, seemed unreal and strained. Here, however, faith came to my rescue, enabling me to say to Satan: ”No, I am not a hypocrite. I know that I do not feel like doing what I am doing; I know that I am not getting any particular pleasure out of it. But I do not deserve any pleasure, and I shall continue to do the best I can to prove to G.o.d that I do love him and am trying to give him pleasure.
If he never sees fit to give me back again the joy which I formerly had in his service, that is his business. Mine is to love and serve. Let him do as he will with his own.”
It was all very dry and hard at first, for the old doubts about being his when I did not feel his presence, knocked hard for admittance; but I was enabled to meet them always with the same confidence: ”I can not doubt that he loves me now, whether I seem to love him or not; for did he not 'love me and give himself for me' when I was not trying to serve him at all? Anyway, my salvation does not depend upon my love for him, but upon his for me. But I WILL love him and prove it by trusting and obeying him. This is all I can do; the rest I leave with him.” The test was a long one, and a lesson that I shall not forget.
When, at last, G.o.d saw that I would ask only for ability to satisfy and please him, whether I felt pleased and satisfied or not, there came into my soul gradually light and joy, and oh! such a sweet sense of his presence. Praise his name! The love and other graces I then felt in my soul, I could not boast of, however, for they all came from and belonged to him; and when I was enabled again to bow before him with a sweet sense of love and reverence, I felt that in adoring and loving him, I was not bringing to him something of my own, but only returning to him that which he had given me. I felt as I had not for years that
”The graces within are not mine; For the love and the power and the glory Belong to the Savior divine.”
LOCATING MYSELF SPIRITUALLY
One other point of which I must speak in this connection is the difficulty I experienced in endeavoring to locate myself spiritually when in the midst of the confusion I have described. Could I be saved at all when in such a state? Did I need to repent, or only try to do better? Were my careless actions and thoughtless words sins, or only mistakes? Fortunately, I was advised not to try to figure out so carefully what was sin and what was not, but to present to Jesus anything that troubled me, and to trust him implicitly to work in me the victory that I needed. By humbly confessing my weakness and claiming the promise of Phil. 2:13, ”For it is G.o.d that worketh in you both to will and to do his good pleasure,” I was enabled to gain victory almost immediately over many faults and failures with which I had wrestled long and over which I could never have gotten victory if I had spent my time picking every failure to pieces to find out whether it was something of which I needed to repent as a sin or only a mistake. I felt that G.o.d was pleased to have me humbly confess and trustingly turn over to him for correction any and every error whether it seemed to me serious or not.
It would take too much s.p.a.ce to tell here of all the changes which were wrought in me by these experiences. Suffice it to say that life has been different ever since. Not that I have always felt the Lord just as near, for he has needed to remind me of the lessons I have recorded and to teach me others; but whether he seems near or far, Satan has never succeeded in making me fear and doubt. I have learned that whether G.o.d leads in light or in darkness, he IS leading and I have nothing to fear.
If darkness comes upon me, it is for a purpose, and I can wait patiently upon him until he makes that purpose known. Submissively to wait and patiently to trust in him till he reveals his purposes is my part. His part is to lead and take care of me, and this, I am sure, he will do unto the end. Therefore I have no responsibility except to go on obeying and trusting him. Whatever bothers or troubles me in myself or others I lay at his feet, expecting him to give me victory if the trouble be in myself, or to bring it out in his own good way if it be in others.
And thus my soul has reached and abides in that ”wealthy place” where no harm can ever come and where the soul is kept in perfect peace.
Liberated from Faultfinding
EXPERIENCE NUMBER 14
For the glory of G.o.d and the encouragement of others I wish to testify against the evil of faultfinding. Soon after the beginning of my Christian experience, about twelve years ago, I was severely hara.s.sed by this adversary of my soul. So cunningly were my eyes blinded to my real condition that I was almost overwhelmed at times through the workings of this dangerous influence.