Part 21 (1/2)

”Yeah, he's fine.”

She pushed off against the wooden porch. The swing began to move slowly back and forth. He stretched his arm across the back. His thumb was inches from her shoulders, but he didn't touch her.

Beyond the overhang he could see the clean night sky and millions of stars. The moon was shaded by the palm trees. Cool, tropical air caressed his arms and legs.

”You're really going to do it?” she asked without warning.

He didn't want to talk about that, but she had the right to her questions. ”Yes. After you're gone.”

”You still haven't said how I'm supposed to explain it to Bobby. He really likes you. He looks up to and admires you. You're the closest thing he's ever had to a dad in his life.”

His throat tightened. ”I know. If there was another way out, I'd take it.”

”Of course there's another way. Just don't kill Kray.”

”I have to.”

He glanced at her. She sat with her hands folded on her lap. Her long, loose hair hung around her shoulders, concealing her b.r.e.a.s.t.s from him. He could feel the warmth of her body and inhale her sweet scent. It was wrong to want her, but that didn't lessen the heat flaring in his groin. He s.h.i.+fted on the seat.

”What am I supposed to say to him?” she asked. ”Gee, Jeff didn't mean to kill your father, it just sort of happened. You think he'll understand that?”

”I don't know. We're not going to agree on this tonight.”

”I'm not going to stop trying to change your mind.” She glanced at him. ”I don't care how mad you get.”

”I never expected anything less. You're a very determined woman.”

She grimaced. ”You'd better be careful, Jeff. That last comment almost sounds as if you like me. I might get a swelled head.”

He brushed her hair aside and rested his hand on her bare shoulder. His fingers rubbed against the skinny strap of her tank top. ”I do like you.”

”Excuse me if I don't believe you. For the past week or so you've done a great imitation of someone who despises me.”

”Okay, maybe at first I could have done without your company, but you've shown me you're not so bad.”

”I'm overwhelmed by the compliment.”

”I can't help that I'm a charming kind of guy.”

Instead of smiling, she looked serious. She glanced up at him. ”Are you being nice to me because I'm leaving tomorrow?”

”Partially.” He decided it was time to be honest. He might never get another chance. He'd spent the last five years living with regrets. He didn't want any more in his life. ”But I'm not that altruistic. I'm also doing it for me. Because I don't want you to be angry when you leave.”

”I can't approve of what you're going to do. I think it's wrong.”

”I didn't mean that. I meant me, specifically.” He drew his arm back to his side,then leaned forward on the swing. He rested his elbows on his knees and let his hands dangle. ”You have this image of me. Most of it's not true. I'm not the guy in the white hat. I'm just a man.”

”I never thought you were perfect.”

”You thought my marriage was. You think I'm mourning something that can't be replaced. It's more complicated than that.”

She didn't say anything. He glanced at her. She was staring straight ahead.

He looked back at the porch flooring. ”We met in college. I was three years older, a senior while Jeanne was a freshman. I already knew what I wanted out of my life. I was going to work for the government and save the world. We dated,then I graduated and went into training. I was gone for several months. When I came back, Jeanne was still waiting for me. We got married.”

”I'm sure it was lovely for both of you.”

He ignored the sarcasm. He knew it came from her pain. ”Jeanne had one goal in life, and that was to be the perfect wife. At first we were in love and it was easy to be together. Then my work began to consume me. She tried harder, but I didn't notice the effort or her perfection. I was too busy getting promoted or being in the field. Too many months apart began to wear on the marriage. I thought maybe we should split up or something. Then I found out she was pregnant.”

He drew in a deep breath. He remembered that day as if it had just happened. He'd been home about a week, after being gone for two months. Already he was itching to be somewhere else. The walls of their small house seemed confining. Jeanne's endless chatter about wallpaper and gardening had bored him. He'd wanted more, an adventure, but when she'd looked at him he'd seen the love in her eyes and he couldn't say the words. Then she'd told him about the baby.

”I never thought about having children. Jeanne hadn't told me she'd stopped using the Pill. I was surprised, and thrilled. But I didn't change my ways.” He closed his eyes against the memories, but they were there anyway. ”I wasn't with her when J.J. was born.”

”J.J.?”.

”Jeff Jr.” He grimaced. ”Pretty egotistical.”

”I think it's sweet.”

”Yeah, right. I loved my son and my wife, but they weren't enough. I wanted to be in the field. I wanted to be in the center of the action. Jeanne used to beg me to take a desk job. I'd reached the point where the next promotion would bring me inside. I didn't want to go. I liked what I was doing. Our marriage was obviously failing. When I got a.s.signed to a post inLebanon, Jeanne showed up as a last-ditch effort to hold it all together. I wanted her to go home. She said if she went, she was filing for divorce. So I let her stay. Because I couldn't face the consequences of her leaving. I wasn't willing to lose my son.”

He shook his head. ”That's what haunts me. I was selfish. I wanted it all. I wanted my family and my job. In the end, I lost them both.”

”Jeff, don't.” She placed her hand on his back.

He ignored her. The words came faster now. ”If I'd just sent them back, J.J. would be alive now. I think about that all the time. It's my fault. I killed them as much as Kray did. Because they were there and an easy target. Because I was on his heels and I refused to back off, he murdered them. I was right there when the car exploded. Less than twenty feet away. Pieces of metal and some wood from a nearby stand rained down on us. People were screaming. Fire was everywhere.”

She slid across the bench seat and leaned over him. Her hands clutched at his shoulders, her forehead pressed against his back. ”I'm sorry,” she whispered.

”I tried to get to them, but the heat drove me back. My knee was busted, some other things broken. I knew they died instantly. But I kept imagining I heard them calling out for me. It was months before the dreams stopped coming every night.”

She didn't sayanything, she simply rocked against him, offering solace and comfort. He let her hold him because he had no energy left to fight her, and because right now he needed to be held. So many others had tried to reach him. His parents, Jeanne's parents' friends. It hadn't worked. Perhaps because they'd used kindness. Andie had gotten inside with a combination of fury and determination. He'd been so busy hatingher, he hadn't noticed she'd slipped past his defenses.

”The thing I regret most is the time I lost with J.J. I was never there for him. Work got in the way and I a.s.sumed I had enough time. Now that I know what I've lost, there's no way to get it back.”

Her long hair spilled over his bare arm. He reached up and fingered the silky strands. ”You're so d.a.m.n beautiful.”

She laughed, although it came out slightly strangled.

He glanced at her. Tears filled her eyes and spilled onto her cheeks. ”Why are you crying?”

She sniffed. ”It's so sad. I wish I could make it better for you. I wish there was a way to bring J.J. and Jeanne back so you could tell them you love them and miss them.”

”You're the most incredible woman I've ever met.”

She flushed and turned away. ”Don't say that.”

”It's true. After everything that's happened between us, you're still generous enough to want me to see my wife. How can you forgive me for what happened in my bed?”

”I don't want to talk about that.”