Part 43 (1/2)
Jax texts me.
A cautious 'h.e.l.lo'. An exchange of pleasantries.
I appreciate his attempt to be neutral and not push himself on me by turning up on my doorstep. I doubt he'd be brave enough since I'm living with Bryn still.
I agree, and offer to chat to him after the gig tonight. He's clever. If he wants to show me the changes he's made to rock star Jax, this is his chance. Tonight is the culmination of my last six-week's work, and a moment for him to s.h.i.+ne and remind me of the man I fell in love with.
A local radio station announced the surprise gig this afternoon. Fans were given the task of bringing Ruby Riot merchandise to the venue to prove themselves as fans. Next free tickets were handed out on a first come, first served basis. The response surprises even the band - the news went viral within minutes and the numbers arriving within an hour led to a throng queuing behind a long cordon. I hang around to watch the chaos, a sense of pride at how successful we've been. Many fans are left disappointed, all tickets allocated in less than two hours. A group of die-hards remain outside, intending to listen anyway. I told Riley we should've booked a bigger venue, but Riley informs me the choice was deliberate. Here, there's an intimacy between the band and audience; something special the select few have achieved.
Rumours flew that Blue Phoenix is playing too; but only Jem's here, watching over Ruby. I pa.s.s them in the hallway on the way back from the bathrooms. They're a curious couple. I expect them to be as volatile with each other as they are to the rest of the world, but they bring peace to each other. Secretly, my hope that Jax and I can try again comes from watching the Blue Phoenix couples. Commitment is possible in this mad world, if the right person comes along and compromises are made.
Unsure whether any rabid Jax fans will be part of the crowd, I tuck myself away near security at the rear of the venue. Jem joins me and I question him too over why Ruby Riot plays a place a quarter the size they usually do. Jem explains they gigged this venue in London regularly in the beginning, and is where Jem spotted them.
n.o.body pays attention to me, the chance of being up close and almost personal with Ruby Riot is a bigger draw card than if his ex-girlfriend is here. My mouth tips in amus.e.m.e.nt at the girls screaming the band members' names.
As time pa.s.ses, Will and Nate continue to grow their own fan base, which feeds their egos too. Personally, I can't tell them apart unless they have their s.h.i.+rts off or if I talk to one of them for a few minutes. Nate's rougher around the edges than his brother. He's a joker in public; but attempt to talk to him alone, and he's taciturn. He's stronger in his opinions than Will, who's more likely to back off from an argument. I can tell who is who when they're around girls too. Nate attracts them with his aloof nature, whilst Will prefers to laugh them into bed.
The band takes the stage and the crowd surges with a yell.
When I look over, I'm unprepared for the force of emotion slamming into me. I struggle to breathe; the stifling air in the overcrowded s.p.a.ce intensifies the shaking dizziness overcoming me. This is why I walked away last month, the extreme influence this man has over me - body, heart, and soul - changed everything and terrified me.
Jax's appearance grips the crowd with his perfect fusion of talent and presence. Sure, he strikes the pose of confidence that comes from his self-a.s.sured brilliance; but even when not engaging with the crowd, he fills the stage. The same goose b.u.mps as the first night I saw Jax perform raise along my arms.
I'm unaware of the band launching into their first track, unable to take my eyes off how the muscles in his arms move as he plays, or the way his blond hair dips into his eyes. His sensual mouth purses in concentration on his performance; and as perspiration dampens his s.h.i.+rt and hair, the memories of Jax naked join the desire to touch him. I would happily fight my way through the crowd to get my hands on Jax, to kiss him, and hope the force of my pa.s.sion is returned.
I laugh to myself. Oh yes, he's clever. Jax knew exactly what he was doing choosing tonight to reach out to me after two silent weeks.
The energy hums through the room as the crowd feeds the band more power. Jem stands next to me, as captivated by the band as I am. His love for Ruby is expressed by how he watches her the same way I watch Jax, face softened by a smile rarely seen on Jem Jones. I've read the world's doubts about his and Ruby's ability to parent; but if they can show their baby half the love they have for each other, the child will have more than most do in a lifetime.
Ruby Riot finish up the set with one of their older tracks, a viral song I heard in bars when I travelled last year. How does that life seem so far away when it's been a matter of months? The crowd around are on the edge of Ruby Riot's world, as I once was; but I became part of this. I still could be.
Over too soon, I share the disappointment flowing through the fans as the band leave the stage, and the crowd chants for an encore. Even though encores are part of the ritual of performance, I'm unsure Ruby will want to. The set was already shorter than the ones they played on tour with Phoenix.
I'm wrong and when the band reappears, so does the excitement spreading through the crowd.
Jax flicks his damp fringe from his eyes with a shake of his head and introduces a new song. This is the first time he's spoken, even though he's sung backing vocals, and his voice pushes further into the place inside my heart I've shut Jax out of.
Ruby joined the band a couple of years after they formed so some songs are Jax's. Occasionally, Ruby sings them all, but some nights Jax takes over. I love when he does, his singing voice as powerful as hers, pulling the audience tighter to him. This is a new one though, and I switch my focus to Ruby as the intro begins. She dips her head, focusing on the guitar, red hair spilling forwards.
Jax grips the mic stand and his smooth voice pours over the slow guitar notes.
She can't be held Wildfire burning through my world The girl with the fire in her soul When I'm with her she takes the air I breathe Scorched my world always knew she would leave The girl with the fire in her soul I reached for the love hidden in the fire Seared my heart consumed by desire The girl with the fire in her soul I just wanna catch you Be the man to match you The only one who makes me whole My girl with the fire in her soul Tears choke as the song progresses and when he pauses between verses to focus on his playing, I swallow down a growing lump in my throat. This isn't a tooth-achingly sweet ballad about a girl, but a song to suit me. There's a pa.s.sion and strength to the music, a portrait of me through his eyes. This song goes far beyond the cliche love for a girl.
Because Jax understands me.
He understands us.
The cadence steals into my heart as his words meld perfectly with the music, a melody that doesn't fit the norm. And why should we? Together we could forge our own way and ride the waves of the future side by side.
Tears escape, and for once, I don't hide the rawness of the love for Jax I hide and don't want to lose. Only Jem sees and he nods with a smile before leaning over to me. ”Jax found his anchor long before any of us did. I don't think he should let you go.”
Jem's words surprise me, and the reality hits home. Jax wants to share this with me, rather than walk the path of fame alone. In his song words, I heard his belief in us and a future.
The gig ends in a frenzy of fans screaming for more encores and Jax escorts a tired Ruby from stage. The four wrap their arms around each other, a rare sight as Ruby keeps herself physically apart from others. Jem disappears through the door toward the backstage the moment they exit and I remain, heart thumping with excitement and apprehension. I pull myself together and follow.
I'm barely around the corner when Jax reappears, striding back toward the stage. He halts when he sees me and when our gazes meet, the days and weeks apart fall away.
”Hey, Tegan,” he says softly, gripping his open water bottle.
”You wrote me a song?” I whisper. Please let him think my damp face is perspiration and not tears.
”I always f.u.c.ked things up when we talked. I thought a song would be safer than trying to explain myself.”
We share an understanding smile. ”Thank you. The song is beautiful.”
”Like the girl I wrote about.” He pauses. ”Can you see yourself the way I see you now?”
”Yes.”
The small s.p.a.ce between us is a chasm I'm frightened to cross because I'm unsure what's waiting on the other side, or if I'll manage without falling. Last time I allowed myself across, I fell, landed hard and the hurt hasn't left. Neither of us reach out, but we're locked in this time and place and unable to move until we do.
”Can we talk?” Jax asks.
”I think a conversation is long overdue.”
Jax swigs from his bottle. ”I was heading for some fresh air to cool down. You can join me outside or wait until I come back inside?”
”I'll come with you.”
We head to the rear of the venue and Jax pushes open the heavy fire exit doors. ”I used to come out here and smoke.”
”Gross.”
”Yeah, things have changed a bit since then.”
A couple of old metal chairs rest in a corner surrounded by discarded cigarette b.u.t.ts. I wrinkle my nose and rest against the wall instead.
Jax stands opposite me, the s.p.a.ce between remains uncrossed. ”Sorry I never got in touch before. I didn't know what to say. I mean, I wanted to call but didn't want to upset you.”
”I should've got in touch too, but I wanted a clean break. Those few days at the end of the tour were a nightmare.”
”Yeah. Sorry. About all the s.h.i.+t with you going away, and for hitting the guy.” He pulls a face. ”I learned my lesson. Maybe too late.”
”I'm here, aren't I?”