Part 36 (1/2)
Jax places his mouth on mine, the sleeves of the leather jacket cool against my face as he puts his arms around my neck. His kiss is gentle and loving, not the usual l.u.s.t we reunite with after time apart. I relish the taste of him, despite the bitter edge of his evening drinking, as I'm drawn into us and away from the crazy edging our world.
He strokes my cheek. ”I missed you, I've been counting down the time until I could to see you, but not like this. Tell me what happened.”
My eyes well with tears I don't want Jax to see. ”Somebody didn't like me going out with other people.”
”What do you mean somebody? Fans?”
”Yeah. Looks like you can have a night out, but I'm not allowed to go out without you!” I look at my hands. ”I needed you. I know you couldn't be with me but I've waited hours to talk to you.”
”I'm sorry I wasn't there when you called. But I came as soon as I heard. Isn't that better?”
I wrap my fingers around his. ”Manchester's a b.l.o.o.d.y long way.”
”You're a b.l.o.o.d.y special girl! And this happened because of me!” His grip on my hand tightens. ”I knew you should've stayed with me on tour and not come back to London.”
”Don't be ridiculous! I've spent a night out with people from work before with no problems. Tonight was wrong place, wrong time.”
My dismissive comment is met with a frown from Jax. ”Did they say why? The so-called fans.”
”Because I was with another guy.”
Jax's silence shocks me as much as his next words. ”With? Like with him?”
”No! Don't make this worse by accusing me of s.h.i.+t!” I pull my hands away.
”Sorry. Paranoid.”
”I thought I was the insecure one?”
Jax huffs and s.h.i.+fts on the bed, stretching his long legs along the length. ”Come here, let me hold you.” He wraps his arm around my shoulder and I rest my head against him. He's here. With me. The man I never expected to see tonight but wanted desperately to hold me. My body shapes against his, reconnecting. Two puzzle pieces slotting together to create a picture only we can see.
”Did the doctor say you were okay?”
”Pretty much. They're overcautious because I banged my head.”
”Jesus, Tegan.”
I place an arm around Jax's chest, snuggling into him. His heart thrums against my ear, beating faster than I expected as he strokes my hair. I relax further, edging toward sleep, until Jax pulls me back to consciousness by speaking. ”Does the attack change your mind?”
”About what?”
”Us.” When I don't respond, his grip on me tightens. ”This does, doesn't it?”
”No and yes,” I whisper. ”I never expected anything as mad as being attacked.”
Jax bangs his head against the bed's headboard. ”f.u.c.k!”
Alarmed at the s.h.i.+ft from relaxed to this reaction, I look around and he's staring ahead, mouth pulled tight. ”What's wrong?”
”You. This bulls.h.i.+t, f.u.c.king things up.” In a sudden move, Jax turns around and grabs my shoulders. ”Do you know how much I missed you? A f.u.c.king lot. Worse than when we argued and you left for Wales that day.”
I wince against his hands on me, at his sudden intensity. I've spent days missing him too, sharing the hollow feeling he means. I want his warmth and affection to fill the dull emptiness, and crave the smile that lights his whole face when he looks at me, the one that delves into my heart and pulls mine to his. I missed him a h.e.l.l of a lot more than I've realised.
”I know,” I whisper. ”I missed you too.”
He reaches out and traces my lips with his fingers. ”A month.”
”A month what?”
Jax places his lips gently on mine and as I curl my hand around his head and seek the kiss I'm aching for he pulls away. ”A month to fall in love with you.”
Jax's words stun, harder than the knock on the head tonight. Everything that's happened in the last few hours is a world away from the planned quiet couple of Friday night drinks with work colleagues. My aching head is forgotten as I attempt to comprehend his words. Fall in love?
Glittering eyes search mine reflecting his heart, revealed and raw. ”And that's why I never told you,” he mutters and drops his hands. ”I knew you didn't feel the same.”
”I'm surprised, that's all,” I whisper.
”But you don't feel the same. s.h.i.+t.”
In a dream I had, Jax told me he loved me and I woke flooded with the warmth of the words. My conscious mind rejects the idea of falling in love and opening myself to hurt again. My subconscious has a different opinion.
”I do. I didn't want to fall in love,” I admit. ”It wasn't part of my plans, but you...” I wave my hand. ” But I fell for you and hard and pushed me off the path I was on. I swore n.o.body would do that. Not yet.”
”Same.” His voice is earnest, as he touches my uninjured cheek and his eyes brighten. ”Exactly the same.”
”But can we do this? The pressure on you and us is bigger than we can deal with. Look at what happened to me tonight. I don't know if we're strong enough.”
”We can make this work. I want to make us work. We spoke about this before.” He takes both my hands and looks directly into my eyes. ”I love you. I want you with me in my crazy world because I don't want to lose you. We have to try.”
His quiet conviction, the insistence in Jax's voice, and the fact he came here, tonight, says as much as his words.
I want Jax because I love him in a way that makes my heart hurt and scares me. How often have I backed away from risk? From chasing the thrill of something exciting but unpredictable? Never. But with Jax I'm exposing my heart and standing a step closer to the edge than I've ever found myself before.
”We said we'd try,” I say and burrow my face into him again.
Jax rests his chin on my head. ”I know you're probably too tired to talk about this right now, but before you did a Tegan on me, I thought I should let you know how I feel. Especially after the c.r.a.p that went down tonight.”
I poke his side. ”'Did a Tegan'?”
”Yeah, did something drastic before thinking or talking to me.”
”Hypocrite!”
His soft laugh sends Jax's warmth across my scalp. This is why I love this guy, because he understands what n.o.body else does and gets through my defences.
Because he's a little like me.