Part 8 (1/2)

323. I never knew what it was for G.o.d to stand by me at all turns, and at every offer of Satan to afflict me, etc., as I have found Him since I came in hither: for look how fears have presented themselves, so have supports and encouragements; yea, when I have started, even as it were, at nothing else but my shadow, yet G.o.d, as being very tender of me, hath not suffered me to be molested, but would with one scripture or another, strengthen me against all; insomuch that I have often said, _were it lawful_, _I could pray for greater trouble_, _for the greater comfort's sake_. Eccl. vii. 14; 2 Cor. i. 5.

324. Before I came to prison, I saw what was coming, and had especially two considerations warm upon my heart; the first was, how to be able to encounter death, should that be here my portion. For the first of these, that scripture, Col. i. 11, was great information to me, namely, to pray to G.o.d _to be strengthened with all might_, _according to His glorious power_, _unto all patience and long-suffering with joyfulness_. I could seldom go to prayer before I was imprisoned; but for not so little as a year together, this sentence, or sweet pet.i.tion would, as it were, thrust itself into my mind, and persuade me, that if ever I would go through long-suffering, I must have all patience, especially if I would endure it joyfully.

325. As to the second consideration, that saying (2 Cor. i. 9) was of great use to me, _But we had the sentence of death in ourselves_, _that we should not trust in ourselves_, _but in G.o.d_, _which raiseth the dead_. By this scripture I was made to see, That if ever I would suffer rightly, I must first pa.s.s a sentence of death upon every thing that can properly be called a thing of this life, even to reckon myself, my wife, my children, my health, my enjoyments, and all as dead to me, and myself as dead to them.

326. The second was to live upon G.o.d that is invisible, as Paul said in another place; the way not to faint is, _To look not on the things that are seen_, _but at the things that are not seen_; _for the things that are seen are temporal_, _but the things that are not seen are eternal_.

And thus I reasoned with myself, if I provide only for a prison, then the whip comes at unawares; and so doth also the pillory: Again, if I only provide for these, then I am not fit for banishment. Further, if I conclude that banishment is the worst, then if death comes, I am surprised: so that I see, the best way to go through sufferings, is to trust in G.o.d through Christ, as touching the world to come; and as touching this world, _to count the grave my house_, _to make my bed in darkness_; _to say to corruption_, _Thou art my father_, _and to the worm_, _Thou art my mother and sister_: that is, to familiarize these things to me.

327. But notwithstanding these helps, I found myself a man and compa.s.sed with infirmities; the parting with my wife and poor children, hath often been to me in this place, as the pulling the flesh from the bones, and that not only because I am somewhat too fond of these great mercies, but also because I should have often brought to my mind the many hards.h.i.+ps, miseries, and wants that my poor family was like to meet with, should I be taken from them, especially my poor blind child, who lay nearer my heart than all besides: Oh! the thoughts of the hards.h.i.+p I thought my poor blind one might go under, would break my heart to pieces.

[Picture: Bunyan Parting with his Wife and Children]

328. Poor child! thought I, what sorrow art thou like to have for thy portion in this world! Thou must be beaten, must beg, suffer hunger, cold, nakedness, and a thousand calamities, though I cannot now endure the wind should blow upon thee. But yet recalling myself, thought I, I must venture you all with G.o.d, though it goeth to the quick to leave you: Oh! I saw in this condition I was as a man who was pulling down his house upon the head of his wife and children; yet, thought I, I must do it, I must do it: and now I thought on those _two milch kine that were to carry the ark of G.o.d into another country_, _and to leave their calves behind them_. 1 Sam. vi. 1012.

329. But that which helped me in this temptation, was divers considerations, of which, three in special here I will name, the first was the consideration of these two scriptures, _Leave thy fatherless children_, _I will preserve them alive_, _and let thy widows trust in me_: and again, _The Lord said_, _Verily it shall be well with thy remnant_, _verily_, _I will cause the enemy to entreat thee well in the time of evil_, _and in time of affliction_. Jer. xlix. 11; xv. 11.

330. I had also this consideration, that if I should not venture all for G.o.d, I engaged G.o.d to take care of my concernments: but if I forsook Him and His ways, for fear of any trouble that should come to me or mine, then I should not only falsify my profession, but should count also that my concernments were not so sure, if left at G.o.d's feet, whilst I stood to and for His name, as they would be if they were under my own care, though with the denial of the way of G.o.d. This was a smarting consideration, and as spurs unto my flesh. That scripture also greatly helped it to fasten the more upon me, where Christ prays against Judas, that G.o.d would disappoint him in his selfish thoughts, which moved him to sell his Master. Pray read it soberly: Psalm cix. 68, etc.

331. I had also another consideration, and that was, the dread of the torments of h.e.l.l, which I was sure they must partake of that for fear of the cross, do shrink from their profession of Christ, His words and laws before the sons of men: I thought also of the glory that He had prepared for those that in faith, and love, and patience, stood to His ways before them. These things, I say, have helped me, when the thoughts of the misery that both myself and mine, might for the sake of my profession be exposed to, hath lain pinching on my mind.

332. When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for my profession, then I have thought of that scripture: _They were stoned_, _they were sawn asunder_, _were tempted_, _were slain with the sword_, _they wandered about in sheep-skins_, _and goat-skins_, _being dest.i.tute_, _afflicted_, _tormented_, _of whom the world was not worthy_; for all they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongst them.

I have also thought of that saying, _the Holy Ghost witnesseth in every city_, _that bonds and afflictions abide me_. I have verily thought that _my_ soul and _it_ have sometimes reasoned about the sore and sad estate of a banished and exiled condition, how they were exposed to hunger, to cold, to perils, to nakedness, to enemies, and a thousand calamities; and at last, it may be, to die in a ditch, like a poor and desolate sheep.

But I thank G.o.d, hitherto I have not been moved by these most _delicate_ reasonings, but have rather, by them, more approved my heart to G.o.d.

333. I will tell you a pretty business:-I was once above all the rest, in a very sad and low condition for many weeks; at which time also, I being but a young prisoner, and not acquainted with the laws, had this lying much upon my spirits, _that my imprisonment might end at the gallows for ought that I could tell_. Now therefore Satan laid hard at me, to beat me out of heart, by suggesting thus unto me: _But how if_, _when you come indeed to die_, _you should be in this condition_; _that is_, _as not to savour the things of G.o.d_, _nor to have any evidence upon your soul for a better state hereafter_? (for indeed at that time all the things of G.o.d were hid from my soul).

334. Wherefore, when I at first began to think of this, it was a great trouble to me; for I thought with myself, that in the condition I now was in, I was not fit to die, neither indeed did I think I could, if I should be called to it; besides, I thought with myself, if I should make a scrambling s.h.i.+ft to clamber up the ladder, yet I should either with quaking, or other symptoms of fainting, give occasion to the enemy to reproach the way of G.o.d and His people for their timorousness. This, therefore, lay with great trouble upon me, for methought I was ashamed to die with a pale face, and tottering knees, in such a cause as this.

335. Wherefore I prayed to G.o.d that He would comfort me, and give me strength to do and suffer me what He should call me to; yet no comfort appeared, but all continued hid: I was also at this time, so really possessed with the thought of death, that oft I was as if I was on a ladder with the rope about my neck; only this was some encouragement to me; I thought I might now have an opportunity to speak my last words to a mult.i.tude, which I thought would come to see me die; and, thought I, if it must be so, if G.o.d will but convert one soul by my very last words, I shall not count my life thrown away, nor lost.

336. But yet all the things of G.o.d were kept out of my sight, and still the tempter followed me with, _But whither must you go when you die_?

_what will become of you_? _where will you be found in another world_?

_what evidence have you for heaven and glory_, _and an inheritance among them that are sanctified_? Thus was I tossed for many weeks, and knew not what to do; at last this consideration fell with weight upon me, _that it was for the word and way of G.o.d that I was in this condition_, _Wherefore I was engaged not to flinch an hair's breadth from it_.

337. I thought also, that G.o.d might choose whether He would give me comfort now, or at the hour of death; but I might not therefore choose whether I would hold my profession or no: I was bound, but He was free; yea, 'twas my duty to stand to His word, whether He would ever look upon me or save me at the last: wherefore, thought I, save the point being thus, I am for going on, and venturing my eternal state with Christ, whether I have comfort here or no; if G.o.d doth not come in, thought I, _I will leap off the ladder even blindfold into eternity_, _sink or swim_, _come heaven_, _come h.e.l.l_, _Lord Jesus_, _if Thou wilt catch me_, _do_; _if not_, _I will venture for Thy name_.

338. I was no sooner fixed in this resolution, but the word dropped upon me, _Doth Job serve G.o.d for nought_? As if the accuser had said, _Lord_, _Job is no upright man_, _be serves Thee for bye-respects_: _hast Thou not made an hedge about him_, _etc._ _But put forth now Thine hand_, _and touch all that he hath_, _and_, _he will curse Thee to Thy face_.

How now! thought I, is this the sign of an upright soul, to desire to serve G.o.d, when all is taken from him? Is he a G.o.dly man that will serve G.o.d for nothing, rather than give out! Blessed be G.o.d! then I hope I have an upright heart, for I am resolved (G.o.d giving me strength) never to deny my profession, though I have nothing at all for my pains: and as I was thus considering, that scripture was set before me: Psalm xliv. 12, etc.

339. Now was my heart full of comfort; for I hoped it was sincere: I would not have been without this trial for much; I am comforted every time I think of it, and I hope I shall bless G.o.d for ever, for the teaching I have had by it. Many more of the dealings towards me I might relate, _But these out of the spoils won in battle I have dedicated to maintain the house of G.o.d_. 1 Chron. xxvi. 27.

THE CONCLUSION

1. OF all the temptations that ever I met with in my life, to question the being of G.o.d, and truth of His gospel is the worst, and the worst to be borne; when this temptation comes, it takes away my girdle from me, and removeth the foundation from under me: Oh! I have often thought of that word, _Have your loins girt about with truth_; and of that, _When the foundations are destroyed_, _what can the righteous do_?

2. Sometimes, when after sin committed, I have looked for sore chastis.e.m.e.nt from the hand of G.o.d, the very next that I have had from Him, hath been the discovery of His grace. Sometimes when I have been comforted, I have called myself a fool for my so sinking under trouble.