Part 7 (1/2)
281. And when I have done the exercise, it hath gone to my heart, to think the word should now fall as rain on stony places; still wis.h.i.+ng from my heart, Oh! that they who have heard me speak this day, did but see as I do, what sin, death, h.e.l.l, and the curse of G.o.d is; and also what the grace, and love, and mercy of G.o.d is, through Christ, to men in such a case as they are, who are yet estranged from Him. And indeed, I did often say in my heart before the Lord, _That if to be hanged up presently before their eyes_, _would be a means to awaken them_, _and confirm them in the truth_, _I gladly should be contented_.
282. For I have been in my preaching, especially when I have been engaged in the doctrine of life by Christ, without works, as if an angel of G.o.d had stood by at my back to encourage me: Oh! it hath been with such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul, while I have been labouring to unfold it, to demonstrate it, and to fasten it upon the conscience of others; that I could not be contented with saying, _I believe_, _and am sure_; methought I was more than sure (if it be lawful to express myself) that those things which then I a.s.serted, were true.
283. When I first went to preach the word abroad, the doctors and priests of the country did open wide against me. But I was persuaded of this, not to render railing for railing; but to see how many of their carnal professors I could convince of their miserable state by the law, and of the want and worth of Christ: for, thought I, _This shall answer for me in time to come_, _when they shall be for my hire before their face_. Gen. x.x.x. 33.
284. I never cared to meddle with things that were controverted, and in dispute among the saints, especially things of the lowest nature; yet it pleased me much to contend with great earnestness for the word of faith, and the remission of sins by the death and sufferings of Jesus: but I say, as to other things, I should let them alone, because I saw they engendered strife; and because that they neither in doing, nor in leaving undone, did commend us to G.o.d to be His: besides, I saw my work before me did run into another channel, even to carry an awakening word; to that therefore did I stick and adhere.
285. I never endeavoured to, nor durst make use of other men's lines, Rom. xv. 18 (though I condemn not all that do), for I verily thought, and found by experience, that what was taught me by the word and Spirit of Christ, could be spoken, maintained, and stood to, by the soundest and best established conscience; and though I will not now speak all that I know in this matter, yet my experience hath more interest in that text of scripture, Gal. i. 11, 12, than many amongst men are aware.
286. If any of those who were awakened by my ministry, did after that fall back (as sometimes too many did), I can truly say, their loss hath been more to me, than if one of my own children, begotten of my own body, had been going to its grave: I think verily, I may speak it without any offence to the Lord, nothing has gone so near me as that; unless it was the fear of the loss of the salvation of my own soul. I have counted as if I had goodly buildings and lords.h.i.+ps in those places where my children were born; my heart hath been so wrapped up in the glory of this excellent work, that I counted myself more blessed and honoured of G.o.d by this, than if He had made me the emperor of the Christian world, or the lord of all the glory of the earth without it! Oh these words! _He which converteth the sinner from the error of his way_, _shall save a soul from death_. James v. 20. _The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life_; _and he that winneth souls is wise_. Prov. xi. 30. _They that be wise shall s.h.i.+ne as the brightness of the firmament_, _and they that turn many to righteousness_, _as the stars for ever and ever_. Dan. xii. 3.
_For what is our hope_, _or joy_, _or crown of rejoicing_? _Are not even ye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at His coming_? _For ye are our glory and joy_. 1 Thes. ii. 19, 20. These, I say, with many others of a like nature, have been great refreshments to me.
287. I have observed, that where I have had a work to do for G.o.d, I have had first, as it were, the going of G.o.d upon my spirit, to desire I might preach there: I have also observed, that such and such souls in particular, have been strongly set upon my heart, and I stirred up to wish for their salvation; and that these very souls have, after this, been given in as the fruits of my ministry. I have observed, that a word cast in, by-the-bye, hath done more execution in a sermon, than all that was spoken besides: sometimes also, when I have thought I did no good, then I did the most of all; and at other times, when I thought I should catch them, I have fished for nothing.
288. I have also observed, that where there has been a work to do upon sinners, there the devil hath begun to roar in the hearts and by the mouths of his servants: yea, oftentimes, when the wicked world hath raged most, there hath been souls awakened by the word: I could instance particulars, but I forbear.
289. My great desire in my fulfilling my ministry was to get into the darkest places of the country, even amongst those people that were farthest off of profession; yet not because I could not endure the light (for I feared not to show my gospel to any) but because I found my spirit did lean most after awakening and converting work, and the word that I carried did lean itself most that way also; _Yea_, _so have I strived to preach the gospel_, _not where Christ was named_, _lest I should build upon another man's foundation_. Rom. xv. 20.
290. In my preaching I have really been in pain, and have, as it were, travailed to bring forth children to G.o.d; neither could I be satisfied unless some fruits did appear in my work. If I were fruitless, it mattered not who commanded me: but if I were fruitful, I cared not who did condemn. I have thought of that: _Lo_! _children are an heritage of the Lord_; _and the fruit of the womb is His reward_.-_As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man_, _so are children of the youth_. _Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them_: _they shall not be ashamed_, _but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate_. Psalm cxxvii. 35.
291. It pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions, if they seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ, and the worth of their own salvation, sound conviction for sin, especially for unbelief, and a heart set on fire to be saved by Christ, with strong breathings after a truly sanctified soul: that it was that delighted me; those were the souls I counted blessed.
292. But in this work, as in all other, I had my temptations attending me, and that of divers kinds; as sometimes I should be a.s.saulted with great discouragement therein, fearing that I should not be able to speak a word at all to edification; nay, that I should not be able to speak sense unto the people; at which times I should have such a strange faintness and strengthlessness seize upon my body, that my legs have scarce been able to carry me to the place of exercise.
293. Sometimes again when I have been preaching, I have been violently a.s.saulted with thoughts of blasphemy, and strongly tempted to speak the words with my mouth before the congregation. I have also at some times, even when I have begun to speak the word with much clearness, evidence, and liberty of speech, yet been, before the ending of that opportunity, so blinded and so estranged from the things I have been speaking, and have been also so straightened in my speech, as to utterance before the people, that I have been as if I had not known, or remembered what I have been about; or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of my exercise.
294. Again, when as sometimes I have been about to preach upon some smart and searching portion of the word, I have found the tempter suggest, _What_! _will you preach this_! _This condemns yourself_; _of this your own soul is guilty_; _wherefore preach not of it at all_; _or if you do_, _yet so mince it_, _as to make way for your own escape_; _lest instead of awakening others_, _you lay that guilt upon your own soul_, _that you will never get from under_.
295. But I thank the Lord, I have been kept from consenting to these so horrid suggestions, and have rather, as Sampson, bowed myself with all my might, to condemn sin and transgression, wherever I found it; yea, though therein also I did bring guilt upon my own conscience: _Let me die_ (thought I), _with the Philistines_, Judges xvi. 29, 30, rather than deal corruptly with the blessed word of G.o.d. _Thou that teachest another_, _teachest thou not thyself_? It is far better that thou do judge thyself, even by preaching plainly unto others, than that thou, to save thyself, imprison the truth in righteousness. Blessed be G.o.d for His help also in this.
296. I have also, while found in this blessed work of Christ, been often tempted to pride and liftings up of heart: and though I dare not say, I have not been affected with this, yet truly the Lord of His precious mercy, hath so carried it towards me, that for the most part I have had but small joy to give way to such a thing: for it hath been my every day's portion to be let into the evil of my own heart, and still made to see such a mult.i.tude of corruptions and infirmities therein, that it hath caused hanging down of the head under all my gifts and attainments; I have felt this thorn in the flesh, 2 Cor. xii. 8, 9, the very mercy of G.o.d to me.
297. I have also had, together with this, some notable place or other of the word presented before me, which word hath contained in it some sharp and piercing sentence concerning the peris.h.i.+ng of the soul, notwithstanding gifts and parts: as, for instance, that hath been of great use to me: _Though I speak with the tongues of men and angels_, _and have not charity_, _I am become as sounding bra.s.s_, _and a tinkling cymbal_. 1 Cor. xiii. 1, 2.
298. A tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music, with which a skilful player can make such melodious and heart-inflaming music, that all who hear him play, can scarcely hold from dancing; and yet behold the cymbal hath not life, neither comes the music from it, but because of the art of him that plays therewith; so then the instrument at last may come to nought and perish, though in times past such music hath been made upon it.
299. Just thus I saw it was, and will be, with them who have gifts, but want saving grace; they are in the hand of Christ, as the cymbal in the hand of _David_: and as _David_ could with the cymbal make that mirth in the service of G.o.d, as to elevate the hearts of the wors.h.i.+ppers, so Christ can use these gifted men, as with them to affect the souls of His people in His church; yet when He hath done all, hang them by, as lifeless, though sounding cymbals.
300. This consideration therefore, together with some others, were for the most part, as a maul on the head of pride, and desire of vain-glory.
What, thought I, shall I be proud because I am a sounding bra.s.s? Is it so much to be a fiddle? hath not the least creature that hath life, more of G.o.d in it than these? Besides, I knew 'twas love should never die, but these must cease and vanish: so I concluded, a little grace, a little love, a little of the true fear of G.o.d, is better than all the gifts: yea, and I am fully convinced of it, that it is possible for souls that can scarce give a man an answer, but with great confusion as to method; I say, it is possible for them to have a thousand times more grace, and so to be more in the love and favour of the Lord, than some who by the virtue of the gift of knowledge, can deliver themselves like angels.
301. Thus therefore I came to perceive that, though gifts in themselves were good, to the thing for which they are designed, to wit, the edification of others; yet empty, and without power to save the soul of him that hath them, if they be _alone_: neither are they, as so, any sign of a man's state to be happy, being only a dispensation of G.o.d to some, of whose improvement, or non-improvement, they must when a little love more is over, give an account to Him that is ready to judge the quick and the dead.
302. This showed me too, that gifts being alone, were dangerous, not in themselves, but because of those evils that attend them that have them, to wit, pride, desire of vain glory, self-conceit, etc., all which were easily blown up at the applause and commendation of every unadvised Christian, to the endangering of a poor creature to fall into the condemnation of the devil.
303. I saw therefore that he that hath gifts, had need be let into a sight of the nature of them, to wit, that they come short of making of him to be in a truly saved condition, lest he rest in them, and so fall short of the grace of G.o.d.
304. He hath cause also to walk humbly with G.o.d and be little in his own eyes, and to remember withal, that his gifts are not his own, but the churches; and that by them he is made a servant to the church; and he must also give at last an account of his stewards.h.i.+p unto the Lord Jesus, and to give a good account will be a blessed thing.