Part 5 (2/2)

The gardens were built to an impressive height, resembling a mountain; in fact, that was the whole point. The Greek historian and geographer Strabo described the structure in the following way: ”It consists of vaulted terraces raised one above another, and resting upon cube-shaped pillars. These are hollow and filled with earth to allow trees of the largest size to be planted. The pillars, the vaults, and terraces are constructed of baked brick and asphalt.” Another Greek writer, Diodorus Siculus, added that ”it was planted with all sorts of trees, which both for greatness and beauty might delight the spectators.”

So how big were the gardens? Diodorus Siculus claimed they were four hundred feet on a side and eighty feet tall, making them one of the tallest structures in the ancient world. Small streams and waterfalls snaked everywhere, watering the greenery and providing the pleasant sound of running water. According to Strabo, getting the water to the top was a rather labor-intensive process: ”The ascent to the highest story is by stairs, and at their side are water engines, by means of which persons, appointed expressly for the purpose, are continually employed in raising water from the Euphrates into the garden.”

Let's hope Amyitis was happy.

Iron, Man!

Bronze ruled from around 3200 BCE to 1200 BCE, when it was replaced by an even stronger metal, iron. It took longer for people to make iron tools because, unlike copper, iron nuggets don't exist in nature. Iron sources were limited mostly to meteorites with high iron content, making the element very rare.

The Indo-European invaders who settled Europe, the Middle East, and India seemed to know the secret of smelting iron ore to create iron weapons. They created the Hitt.i.te empire in the Middle East around 1600 BCE and the Vedic civilization of India shortly afterward. A second round of Indo-European invaders, the Dorians, appeared in Greece with iron implements around 1200 BCE.

ALL THAT GLITTERS.

At one time iron was considered more valuable than gold. Iron daggers were among the crown jewels buried with the dead pharaoh Tutankhamen, and the ancient Egyptians called the metal ”black gold from heaven,” in reference to its meteoritic origins.

But it took a technological breakthrough to make large-scale iron production possible in the Mediterranean world. Beginning around 1300 BCE, special ovens called ”bloomeries” allowed ironmongers to remove contaminants and produce relatively pure iron. Once it became widely available, iron allowed for the creation of stronger weapons and tools, such as scythes, plows, hammers, and axes.

NonIndo-European civilizations such as Egypt and a.s.syria began using iron implements around this time. Ironworking technology may have developed independently in sub-Saharan Africa around 1000 BCE, beginning with the Nok civilization of West Africa. The spread of iron working coincided with the rise of the Bantu people, who fanned out from their homeland in modern Nigeria and conquered sub-Saharan Africa in the first millennium BCE.

AND THANKS, BUT NO THANKS, FOR...

Hemorrhoids from h.e.l.l (or Heaven, Actually)

The variety of punishments inflicted on the enemies of the Jews (and on the Jews themselves) by the Old Testament G.o.d is kind of mind-boggling. Here's a good one: hemorrhoids! If hemorrhoids seem unpleasant today, just remember the ancients had neither explanation nor treatment for the burning a.n.a.l affliction. Like many other areas of ancient medicine, the best doctors could do was advise prayer and a good att.i.tude until you died.

Foreigners who arrived in Palestine around 1200 BCE, the Philistines weren't the Hebrews' favorite people to begin with. So when they defeated the Israelites during the reign of the Hebrew judge Eli and made off with the Ark-an ornate wooden case in which Moses (supposedly) had placed the stone tablets containing the Ten Commandments-they incurred G.o.d's wrath big time. The Ark was kind of like a security blanket for the Hebrews: it was really important for them to have it at all times, no matter what. When the ninety-eight-year-old judge Eli heard the news, he fell down and broke his neck-it was that serious.

But the Ark carried a special curse for the heathens who insulted it: G.o.d gave the Philistines a case of ma.s.s hemorrhoids. If you think an a.n.a.l plague sounds improbable, you're right: there's no other case of a ma.s.s hemorrhoid attack in recorded history, and no transmissible virus or bacteria that spreads hemorrhoids, which are typically due to chronic disorders. But the Bible is very, very specific on this point. How specific? Well, more specific than contemporary commercials for Preparation H: ”He smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts.”

These were clearly no ordinary hemorrhoids: some of the Philistines actually died. And of course, when it rains, it pours: the Philistine cities were also overrun by mice, which ate all the food supplies and were generally unsanitary. After seven months of a.n.a.l/mouse tag-team misery, the Philistines consulted their priests, who advised them to return the Ark to the Israelites with a ”trespa.s.s” offering, to apologize for the whole misunderstanding. The offering was five golden mice and...wait for it...five golden hemorrhoids.

The Philistines ”laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold and the images of their emerods,” and said good-bye to the Ark of the Covenant. Their ma.s.s hemorrhoids disappeared-but now the Hebrews got in trouble. Seeing the oxen pulling the unmanned cart from the Philistines, the simple Jewish farmers of Beth-Shamesh thought, ”Free lunch!” and cooked the oxen up, using the cart as firewood. Worse, they looked at the golden hemorrhoids and mice, which involved opening the Ark of the Covenant, and that is Against the Rules According to G.o.d. So G.o.d wiped out the whole town, which actually makes hemorrhoids sound not that bad.

Pedophilia

The Greeks were a kinky lot by modern standards. Although modern critics point to them as an ancient civilization that accepted h.o.m.os.e.xuality, that's not quite right. They didn't identify ”h.o.m.os.e.xuality” as a lifestyle pursued by a specific group of people called ”h.o.m.os.e.xuals”; rather, it was a universal phenomenon that most upper-cla.s.s males pa.s.sed through and then left behind at a certain point in life. What's more, the Greeks approved of male-male s.e.xual contact only if it involved an adult-typically a man over the age of eighteen-and an adolescent boy. We said it was kinky!

While the ancient Greeks would have found the idea of two grown men in a s.e.xual relations.h.i.+p odd and undignified, man-boy love was something to be proud of-in fact, something to be publicly displayed. The older male suitor would declare his love for a boy openly, then court him with gifts. Once he won the boy over, he would take him on dates in public places, such as the agora or the gymnasium, where they would exercise together in the nude, slathered in olive oil. In private, s.e.xual intercourse could range from kissing, to heavy petting, to ”intercrural” (between the boy's thighs), to the ”whole nine yards,” as it were.

h.o.m.os.e.xual relations.h.i.+ps between men and boys served important social functions, with the older man introducing his young boyfriend to the adult world of politics and instructing him on his civic duties. In most cases, the older man would ask the boy's father for permission before beginning the relations.h.i.+p, and would later be responsible for the boy's education. The boy could also serve as the older man's s.h.i.+eld bearer in battle-sort of like a modern-day golf caddy.

Some Greek observers did express concern about the detrimental effects of these pedophilic relations.h.i.+ps-but not for the boys! Instead, they warned that the pa.s.sions excited by the love of boys could lead to immoderate, irrational behavior among the adult men. The Greeks also disapproved of men who visited boy prost.i.tutes or forced themselves on young male slaves, who had no say in the matter. Unlike Greek girls during this time, boys were allowed to reject the advances of suitors who didn't tickle their fancy.

Handsome boys could have a number of lovers through their teenage years. However, ancient scolds warned them against becoming conceited because of their good looks. The Greek legend of Narcissus tells of a beautiful young boy who spends all his time looking at his own reflection in a river, and gets turned into a flower (still called Narcissus today) as punishment for his arrogance.

On this subject, in Plato's Dialogues Dialogues the philosopher Socrates talks to his friend about the best way to seduce a ”good-looking boy” named Lysis. His friend is head over heels in love with Lysis, to the point that he is boring his friends with tedious poems praising the boy and his ancestors. Socrates advises his friend to drop the flattery, which makes boys ”swell-headed” and arrogant. Instead, Socrates says his friend should cut out the compliments and engage Lysis in a philosophical dialogue but really, how much fun would that have been? the philosopher Socrates talks to his friend about the best way to seduce a ”good-looking boy” named Lysis. His friend is head over heels in love with Lysis, to the point that he is boring his friends with tedious poems praising the boy and his ancestors. Socrates advises his friend to drop the flattery, which makes boys ”swell-headed” and arrogant. Instead, Socrates says his friend should cut out the compliments and engage Lysis in a philosophical dialogue but really, how much fun would that have been?

BY THE NUMBERS.

269,000.

size, in square feet, of palace built for a.s.syrian king Ashurnasirpal 69,574.

number of guests invited to the opening of the palace 2 million blocks of limestone used in an aqueduct built to serve Nineveh, an a.s.syrian city 100,000.

number of civil servants in the a.s.syrian bureaucracy 2.9 million size of Persian empire, in square miles 16 million number of subjects in Persian empire under King Darius 1,600.

length of the Persian Royal Road, in miles 111.

number of free lodges for travelers along the Royal Road

47.

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