Part 24 (1/2)
Joseph were well aware that Jesus was G.o.d, while at the same time great wonders were hidden from them, and--like us--they lived by faith. You have heard those words of the Gospel: 'They understood not the word that He spoke unto them';[15] and those others no less mysterious: 'His Father and Mother were wondering at those things which were spoken concerning Him.'[16] They seemed to be learning something new, for this word 'wondering' implies a certain amount of surprise.”
”There is a verse in the Divine Office which I recite each day with reluctance: 'I have inclined my heart to do Thy justifications for ever, because of the reward.'[17] I hasten to add in my heart: 'My Jesus, Thou knowest I do not serve Thee for sake of reward, but solely out of love, and a desire to win Thee souls.”
”In Heaven only shall we be in possession of the clear truth. On earth, even in matters of Holy Scripture, our vision is dim. It distresses me to see the differences in its translations, and had I been a Priest I would have learned Hebrew, so as to read the Word of G.o.d as He deigned to utter it in human speech.”
Soeur Therese often spoke to me of a well-known toy with which she had amused herself when a child. This was the kaleidoscope, shaped like a small telescope, through which, as it is made to revolve, one perceives an endless variety of pretty-coloured figures.
”This toy,” she said, ”excited my admiration, and I wondered what could provide so charming a phenomenon, when one day, after a lengthy examination, I found that it consisted simply of tiny bits of paper and cloth scattered inside. A further examination revealed that there were three mirrors inside the tube, and the problem was solved. It became for me the ill.u.s.tration of a great truth.
”So long as our actions, even the most trivial, remain within Love's kaleidoscope, so long the Blessed Trinity, figured by the three mirrors, imparts to them a wonderful brightness and beauty.
The eye-piece is Jesus Christ, and He, looking from outside through Himself into the kaleidoscope, finds perfect all our works. But, should we leave that ineffable abode of Love, He would see but the rags and chaff of unclean and worthless deeds.”
I told Soeur Therese of the strange phenomena produced by magnetism on persons who surrender their will to the hypnotiser.
It seemed to interest her greatly, and next day she said to me: ”Your conversation yesterday did me so much good! How I long to be hypnotised by Our Lord! It was my waking thought, and verily it was sweet to surrender Him my will. I want Him to take possession of my faculties in such wise that my acts may no more be mine, or human, but Divine--inspired and guided by the Spirit of Love.”
Before my profession I received through my saintly Novice-mistress a very special grace. We had been was.h.i.+ng all day. I was worn-out with fatigue and hara.s.sed with spiritual worries. That night, before meditation, I wanted to speak to her, but she dismissed me with the remark: ”That is the bell for meditation, and I have not time to console you; besides, I see plainly that it would be useless trouble. For the present, G.o.d wishes you to suffer alone.”
I followed her to meditation so discouraged that, for the first time, I doubted of my vocation. I should never be able to be a Carmelite. The life was too hard.
I had been kneeling for some minutes, when all at once, in the midst of this interior struggle--without having asked or even wished for peace--I felt a sudden and extraordinary change of soul. I no longer knew myself. My vocation appeared to me both lovely and lovable. I saw the sweetness and priceless value of suffering. All the privations and fatigues of the religious life appeared to me infinitely preferable to worldly pleasures, and I came away from my meditation completely transformed.
Next day I told my Mistress what had taken place, and, seeing she was deeply touched, I begged to know the reason. ”G.o.d is good,”
she exclaimed. ”Last evening you inspired me with such profound pity that I prayed incessantly for you at the beginning of meditation. I besought Our Lord to bring you comfort, to change your dispositions, and show you the value of suffering. He has indeed heard my prayers.”
Being somewhat of a child in my ways, the Holy Child--to help me in the practice of virtue--inspired me with the thought of amusing myself with Him, and I chose the game of _ninepins._ I imagined them of all sizes and colours, representing the souls I wished to reach. The ball was--_love._
In December, 1896, the novices received, for the benefit of the Foreign Missions, various trifles towards a Christmas tree, and at the bottom of the box containing them was a _top_--a rare thing in a Carmelite convent. My companions remarked: ”What an ugly thing!--of what use will it be?” But I, who knew the game, caught hold of it, exclaiming: ”Nay, what fun! it will spin a whole day without stopping if it be well whipped”; and thereupon I spun it around to their great surprise.
Soeur Therese was quietly watching us, and on Christmas night, after midnight Ma.s.s, I found in our cell the famous top, with a delightful letter addressed as follows:
_To My Beloved Little Spouse_
_Player of Ninepins on the Mountain of Carmel_
_Christmas Night, 1896._