Part 25 (1/2)

I stood up and pointed down at her. ”You,” I emphasized. ”Have been hanging out with Naomi too much.”

We both smiled. What Ellie had just said was tame compared to the sa.s.s we'd heard out of my girlfriend's mouth.

Our smiles dropped as we remembered why she wasn't here with us.

”Nonsense,” my sister whispered. ”Naomi is family.”

I froze. It felt truer than any d.a.m.n thing I'd heard in a long time. Smiling, I kissed Ellie on the cheek. ”Yeah, she is, Ells. Now let's just hope she feels the same way about us.”

I was standing in front of the law library, gripping my cell phone when Damien's name flashed across the screen. I hit ignore before trudging down the steps and away from the building.

Thank G.o.d the students at Carillo University were so dedicated, forcing the school to keep the library open twenty-four hours a day, except on certain holidays, otherwise I wouldn't have had a place to stay last night.

Not that I slept, or did much of anything.

I sat.

And I thought.

And I thought some more.

I had only been productive at the hospital when I was trying to ignore Damien. Before he had come in I was staring blankly at the page. I only began writing once he sat across from me, determined to show him I was fine. If I went back and checked, I was sure half my answers would be wrong.

Now, knowing I was close to cras.h.i.+ng because it would be physically impossible for me to stay awake much longer, I slowly made my way to my car. It took all my energy to stay awake and make the drive back to my apartment.

I walked through the front door a couple minutes later to find Alara sitting on the couch, staring absentmindedly at the TV. Her head snapped in my direction before she jumped off the couch.

”Thank G.o.d. Where the h.e.l.l have you been?”

Shrugging, I dropped my book bag on the ground. ”I needed a book at the library.”

Alara's brow arched so high I was surprised it was still on her head. ”It took you”-she paused to purposefully glance at the wall clock-”sixteen hours to find it?”

”It's a big library,” I mumbled.

”That you should know like the back of your hand by now.” She shook her head, dropping her defensive act and stepping closer. ”I'm so sorry, Naomi. Please... just tell me what I can do to help.”

Her eyes held pain that I knew mine lacked, and I felt a flicker of something inside that I'd promised myself yesterday I wouldn't feel. Maybe it was her standing there, silently telling me it was okay. Alara was an empathetic person. So empathetic, I would have sworn that watching someone she loved die might just kill her, too. And she didn't just reflect the pain you showed, but somehow she could feel all the pain you didn't. She caught onto one thing, one emotion, one teeny tiny feeling, and she ran with it. She knew every emotion that would come after. And she made you feel safe in it. In a world where people told you what you should and shouldn't feel, she made you feel understood and she told you it was okay to feel the way you did.

But even with all that love and support, I couldn't say anything other than, ”I'm fine.” And it fell from my lips with so much ease, I could almost believe it.

”Wow.” Alara shook her head as she walked even closer. ”So that's what the whole I'm fine thing feels like?” At my furrowed brows, she explained, ”You always got mad when I said I'm fine. I never thought much of it. But you were right, it's freaking annoying.” I almost smiled. But it got stuck, like a rusty machine that fought hard to work but ultimately failed.

”I'm going to take a shower and then get some sleep.” Before she could respond I strode down the hall, locking myself in my room and going into the bathroom.

I took a long, hard look in the mirror. The bags under my eyes reaffirmed my lack of sleep. But my eyes themselves looked dead. Defeated. Hardened. My soul felt the same way, despite the pinch of emotion I felt when I talked to my best friend.

But I couldn't open up to her. I couldn't tell her.

Because once I felt it, I would drown in it. It would pull me under, and wave upon wave of helplessness and fear would plummet me further into a sea of grief. I'd inhale so much of it, it'd become a part of me. A sadness I'd never rid myself of. A fear that would confirm what I didn't want to know: we had no control. Control was just an illusion. Life was chaos.

I had just put my key in the lock of my front door when a hand came down on my shoulder.

”AH!” I jumped and whirled around. Placing one hand over my frantically beating heart, I used the other to rip my headphones out of my ears. ”Jesus Christ, Derek. You scared the s.h.i.+t out of me.”

Derek was panting as he leaned down, his hands braced on his knees. ”Well I... called out... but...” He waved one hand toward my dangling earbuds. I nodded as he straightened and regained control of his breathing. His eyes were conflicted as he ran his gaze over me, then his brows furrowed when he took in my attire.

”You went running?”

”Yeah. What's the big deal?” I shrugged, turning around and unlocking the door.

”Uh, maybe because you haven't voluntarily exercised in... ever?” he asked sarcastically as he shut the door behind him, enclosing us in my still dark apartment. I flipped the switch and made my way to the kitchen for a bottle of water.

”I have s.e.x all the time.” I smiled a little as I heard Derek trip over his own feet.

”That's not funny, and not what I meant.” He was shaking his head when I turned around. ”Forget it. That's not what I'm here to talk about.”

My slight smile dropped. I knew what he was here to talk about and I really wasn't in the mood. By some miracle, I'd managed to avoid everyone yesterday and this morning. ”Don't, Derek. Just... don't,” I said in a clipped voice.

”We have to talk about this, Naomi.”

I shook my head. ”We really don't.”

”Clearly you're not okay. Alara, Gabe, Sherry, Sam, even Damien... no one has heard from you.”

”So? I've been busy.”

”Working out?” he asked with a snort. I glared and opened my mouth to retort but he beat me to it. ”She didn't use, Naomi.”

I didn't play dumb. ”Why are you defending her? How can you defend? We caught her with the drugs.” My head felt close to exploding, but I made my voice stay calm.

”Because I won't punish her for a single moment of weakness. How does it make sense to punish her for the five-minute mistake and not commend her for the twenty-minute attempt to fix it?” His eyes flickered between mine, genuinely believing our mother to be some kind of hero for her actions.

I let out an unimpressed snort. ”Getting drunk and having her stomach pumped isn't exactly a brilliant or logical idea-alcohol and drugs commonly go hand-in-hand when relapse occur. It's actually less smart-”

Derek's laugh was bitter. ”Well we can't all be as smart as you. But since you are the genius, tell me something...”

My mouth flattened into a harsh line and every part of me burned. My lungs, my eyes, my cheeks, my heart... I knew this was headed to a place that would wreck me. That would finally break me.

”What's one of the most common causes of relapse?” he asked. I tried to ignore him, desperately clinging to the small pieces of control I had left. He gripped my arm, gentle but with enough force to make a point, making sure I could see the grief and anger in his eyes. At my prolonged silence, he prodded, ”What, you don't have an answer?”

”Stress,” I bit out. And it didn't take a genius to see where this was heading.

”And tell me, what's the one thing that's changed recently? The one thing that would add stress to her life when everything was going so well?”

I didn't hesitate. ”Me.” My voice quivered the tiniest bit, but it was enough that Derek heard it. A flash of guilt raced across my brother's face.

”She could've died,” he continued with a softer tone, no trace of anger, just a need to make me understand. ”She drank an entire bottle of gin just to make sure she wouldn't touch those drugs. To keep her promise.” He paused. ”No, it wasn't a brilliant idea. But-”