Vol 1 Chapter 15 (2/2)

They look solemn and finally Sheng Xing answers “We cannot tell you why…..perhaps…. We know Jiu Ye treats you differently. We grew up with him, these things we can tell at least. He really treats you differently. Can you please give him more time, please give him another chance?”

I laughed and laughed. When a person hurts so much they can’t cry, they just laugh. But it’s a laugh that sounds worse than crying ” Please leave now, I’m tired and need to rest.”

………………………………………………….

Last Fall I collected a lot of Gold Silver Flower seeds, but this Fall all I have is a dead vine. Huo Qu Bing watches as I take an ax to the patch, slowly hacking away at the dead vines. “It’s all wilted, why are you even doing this?”

I answer “The gardener says that if I protect the stem, it might grow again next Spring.”

“I shouldn’t have taken out my temper on them the other day.”

I give him an odd look, with a biting sarcasm I ask “Are you apologizing to them now? The all-powerful young master Huo actually admitting he did something wrong? If news of this got out, it would shock the entire Chang An city to death.”

He looked angry “You walk around all day with a p.i.s.sed off face, clearly you think I did something wrong.”

I lower my head and keep hacking at the dead vines “It’s like the Sun is rising from the West, I don’t know how to react.”

“Yu Er!” Huo Qu Bing suddenly shouted “I’m going to Xi Yu next year. If you’re not happy in Chang An, come with me for a visit to Xi Yu.”

His eyes are deep dark pools, hiding so much inner thoughts like the pitch black night. I feel it pressing down on my heart and making it hurt a little, not sure if it’s for him or for me. It’s almost three years since I last saw Brother Wolf. Is he doing well? Visiting Brother Wolf is a good idea, and it is time that I think about where I’m headed in the future. My sorrow may have no end, but life continues to go on.

“I can’t promise you now, I still have some things to handle here. If everything is taken care of, I might go back to Xi Yu.”

He smiled and nodded his head “At least it’s better than your outright rejection last year.”

……………………………………………..

The Teacher inside is discussing General Bai Qi of the Qin dynasty and his decision over one hundred years ago during a battle to offer surrender to the soldiers of the Zhao Kingdom, only to renege after they had surrendered, burying 40,000 soldiers alive. This ended up costing the Qin Empire even more pain because no one would surrender after wars, so every battle dragged on. One student disagrees. If General Bai had not killed those able bodied men, causing the entire Zhao Kingdom to surrender, the battle would have waged on and more people would have suffered. In the long run, he likely saved more lives of the Qin people.

The discussion goes on as students take both sides of the argument, while Li Guang Li naps off to the side. The Teacher has long given up on him, but the students I selected to study with him are doing marvelously. The extraordinary rise of the Great General Wei has students these days dreaming of their own successes based on talent and merit. I may have planned these chess pieces, but will I end up using it?

Fang Ru comes with snacks and we go inside, everyone happy to see us. The student all crowd me, thrilled to see me, asking how I’m doing and why I haven’t come by in a long time. Li Guang Li gets up and stretches, offering to take everyone out to Yi Ping Ju to eat later, and they all thank him. I can see that he’s rather clueless, but loves to mess around and desire wealth, but he doesn’t look down on the poor. If he didn’t have Li Yan for a sister, he might be living a carefree life.

I walk with Fang Ru and discuss how fast time flies, we’ve known each other for three years now. She commends me on transforming myself into a mover and shaker in Chang An. I laugh, saying that I am really lazy and will only do things if it benefits me. I tell her that she is my first friend in Chang An, and today I want to discuss whether she wants to marry Li Yan Nian. She blushes but doesn’t say anything.

I tell her that marrying him, she will be tied to the rise and fall of the Li family from now one. She a.s.sures me Li Yan Nian isn’t interest in the pursuit of power, but I tell her that it doesn’t matter what he wants, it’s what others might do to him. She stops and thanks me for thinking about her. But she wants to marry him, this is her life and she wants to spend it beside him.

I laugh, knowing this would be her answer. I’ve done what I needed to do as her friend, and she thanks me for everything I’ve done for her. She will treasure what she has with Li Yan Nian. I will tell Li Yan Nian to come propose then, but he needs to prepare quite a wedding red envelope for me. She blushes and thanks me.

………………………………

“What did you say?” My heart jerked in pain so I asked again.

Xiao Feng hollered “I said Jiu Ye is sick, he’s sick. How many times must I say it?”

I ask why he hasn’t gotten a doctor for him, and why he’s telling me this. He rolled his eyes at me, asking if I’m acting stupid on purpose. He’s pa.s.sed word to me, that’s all he came to do. He runs off.

I sit and think for awhile before going to visit him. Tian Cao opens the door for me, and I ask if Jiu Ye is willing to see me. Tian Cao says of course he will, I haven’t been by in months and the Bamboo Residence is so lonely. He tells me Jiu Ye caught a cold, though the doctor thinks Jiu Ye has more than that, he’s got emotional worries that is making him sick.

I silently walk to the Bamboo Residence and Tian Cao lets me enter alone. I hesitate before telling myself to go in, it can’t be worse than now. I walk in and the window is open with a breeze lightly blowing throw. He lays on the pallet completely still, like he is asleep. I sneak in quietly, so he shouldn’t have heard me, but he calls out “Yu Er?” in a very exhausted voice.

Inside the frigid room, I walk to the pallet and put my hands on the blanket, glad it is warm inside. He pushed a warm silver ball out to me and I tell him I’m not cold, but he insists so I take it and place in on my legs, warming me up.

In the dark, we sit in silence for a long time. If we could be like this until the end of time, I wouldn’t mind.

“Jiu Ye, I have something to tell you. Please don’t cut me off, or else I won’t have the courage to finish. Whether you want to or not, please let me speak and then I will leave.”

He was silent and I knew he wasn’t stopping me. “I don’t know when I started liking you, perhaps it was your warm presence under the lamplight, or when you tended to my ears. Maybe when you laughed ever so lightly. All I know is that I want to be with you. I tried to test to see if you liked me. Jiu Ye, I always told you I was sick here and there, but those were all lies. I’ve never gotten sick, and I’m as hale as a horse. I just wanted you to think of me every day a little, wondering what medicine to recommend for me. I’m not afraid of bitter things either, but I wanted you to worry that I wouldn’t drink it. I wanted to place myself in your heart.”

I smiled “Am I really sneaky? Jiu Ye, in your study that day, I know you like Zhuang Zi and Mo Zi, because they discussed weapon making and is very useful, and how small kingdoms can protect itself against the hegemons. I know you raised a lot of carrier pigeons. And last year Xi Yu needed financial a.s.sistance because of the war and the cold spell. You know a lot of Xi Yu languages, so I long suspected you were a Xi Yu person, and everything you do is to help your people.”

I sneaked a peek at him and he was staring wide eyed at the ceiling, his face as still as the water. “I don’t care if you are a Han or a Xi Yu person. You are you. If you want freedom, I am willing to leave Chang An with you. The desert will be our playground. If you want…..to stop the Han expansion, I can’t help you win the battle, but I can help you disrupt the Han court from within, so that during your lifetime they cannot expand westward.”

He turned to look at me, with shock and warmth, but I still didn’t know what he was thinking.

He asked “Yu Er, did you do something secretly? Are those new businesses you opened to collect information about the secrets and weaknesses of the Han court officials?”

I bit my lips and nodded my head. He looked torn “Silly girl, close them all down now. s.h.i.+ Enterprises has been here for over a hundred years, I can gather that information easily without your help.” Suddenly he looked alarmed “Did you promise Consort Li anything?” I think about my deadly oath, but that doesn’t count, so I shake my head. He looks relieved “That’s good. Please don’t get involved in the battle for the throne.”

Jiu Y sees me fiddling with my skirt and appears to want to reach over but stops his hand. He smiles and explains that he is indeed a Xi Yu person. His grandfather was a prince from the Yi Nye kingdom who suffered a political upheaval and was spirited out of the palace. His servant captured a female wolf and used her milk to feed his grandfather. After he grew up, he never used the royal seal to find those loyal to him, and instead used his handsome looks to roam the Xi Yu lands and romancing all the princesses. One day he returned to the Yi Nye palace and woke up his uncle, who stole the throne. He shaved the king’s head and asked for a big feast. After he was done eating, he told his uncle that he was a better king than his father, and then tossed the royal seal at him and left. He then decided to become a desert thief.

He was a spectacular thief, and his logo was the sign of the wolf since he was saved by drinking the milk of a female wolf. Turned out he was a skilled businessman, and over time he became the largest stone and precious rock merchant in all of Xi Yu, in addition to being a successful desert thief. Perhaps the G.o.ds envied his good luck, because one day he tried to rob a Han convoy and met Jiu Ye’s grandmother. He fell in love with her, but she was already a concubine to another merchant.

He followed her back to Chang An and managed to abduct her, and decided Chang An was a lot of fun so stayed here and became a merchant. I was in awe of this colorful life led by Jiu Ye’s grandfather. Over the years, his grandfather would help the Xi Yu nations oppose the Xiong Nu when the Xiong Nu was powerful. Now that the Han dynasty is more powerful, Jiu Ye continues the family way of helping, but he must do it in secret because his grandmother was a Han person and he doesn’t want to endanger the lives of the s.h.i.+ family.

I think to myself that this is much more difficult and complicated than I even imagined. Jiu Ye needs to oppose Liu Che on one hand, but protect the lives of everyone in the s.h.i.+ Enterprises. He helps the Xi Yu nations so they don’t suffer in the war, taking into account the power of the Xiong Nu. Everyone is watching how the s.h.i.+ Enterprises is doing, and one mistake everything gets thrown into disarray. He’s been handling all of this since a young age, how difficult must his journey have been. Yet now he just glances over it all with a smile.

My heart leaps knowing he is confiding in me, does that mean he trusts me, and is willing to accept me? He looked at me and his eyes grew dark, and then he turned away. In the silence I speak “I know how you feel, so I’ll tell you one more time. I don’t need your answer now, because I won’t be able to endure it. In a few days it will be New Year, and you once said that was a good day, and my birthday. I will be waiting for you in my courtyard. If you don’t come, then I will know your answer. But…..” I looked at him directly “I hope you will come.”

I get up to leave, reminding him to close the windows. As I reach the door, he speaks “Don’t turn around, just answer this question. Yu Er, do you want a family?”

I hold the door “Yes, I want a family. I want a loud boisterous family. When I’m on the street, I envy the couples carrying a child and bickering. When I heard your past I was envious, to have a grandfather, parents, and siblings. A big family is happiness! What about you?” There is only silence behind me, so I turn back around. In the dark he answers “Me, too.”

That was the best thing I heard all night and I smile. He suddenly asked “Yu Er, Huo…..Huo Qu Bing, is he good to you?” I was silent and didn’t want to acknowledge this right now, but I can’t dismiss it. I lightly nod my head. After awhile, he says “You can leave now. Be careful on the road.”

I hesitated for a moment before stepping outside. When I turned I saw his dark s.h.i.+ning eyes, filled with longing and pain all mixed together. My heart lurched and he didn’t avoid my gaze. Our eyes met and it was like a tempest. I closed the door and my arm hangs limply to the side afterwards. The door slowly closes and his face disappears from my view. This was the first time he does not avoid my gaze.

In that brief moment, all my strength feels like it’s been eaten up and I weakly lean on the wall. It was much later that I had the strength to walk away.

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