Part 15 (1/2)

”I, uh, think that would be something alongside of or beyond magic,” I said, terrified of being shown up as an ignoramus. ”Maybe something that-”

”Inadequate!” he roared, cutting me off. He glared around the cla.s.sroom. ”You numbskulls come here with heads full of mush”-he glanced significantly at Beauregard, who cowered in his chair-”and bad att.i.tudes”-he glanced at Metria, who was doing her nails-”but maybe, if you survive, you will eventually learn something about magic.” He glanced at me, and I was electrified: I had found faint favor!

We listened, fascinated and terrified. What a creature!

”Simply put, metamagic is that magic which affects, or is defined in terms of, magic itself,” the professor continued, edifying our mushy brains. ”The one-time king of the human aspect of Xanth, Roogna, adapted living magic to suit his purpose. The other-time king, Ebnez, adapted inanimate magic similarly. Those are examples of metamagic. Someone who could emulate or otherwise affect the magic talents of others would be indulging in metamagic.” The professor continued, and I was rapt; he knew more about magic than I had dreamed existed!

Hours later, dazed by the day's cla.s.ses, I found myself back in my room with Metria and Beauregard. ”What a monster!” Beauregard exclaimed.

”What boredom,” Metria added.

”What genius!” I concluded.

The other two looked at me. ”I can see why Grossclout likes you,” Beauregard said.

”I can see I have my work cut out for me,” Metria said, dropping into a chair.

”What work is that?” Beauregard inquired naively.

She spread her legs, giving him a good view under her short skirt so that he could see her panties. ”To distract this tree-blood from his studies.”

I had thought demons had seen it all, but evidently Beauregard hadn't. His gla.s.ses turned pink-the exact shade of the panties. There certainly was a difference between demons! ”What?”

”Ignoramus, numbskull, blockhead, dunce, simpleton, nincomp.o.o.p, fool, b.u.mpkin-”

”Sap?” he asked, catching on at last.

”Whatever. I win if he doesn't get his degree.” She closed her legs.

Beauregard's lenses began to clear. ”I, uh, had better go,” he mumbled.

”The toilet's there,” she said, and the door to that chamber appeared.

”No, I mean-I don't know what I mean.” He stumbled out. There was a ”ho, ho” from a wall; apparently I wasn't the only entertaining figure here.

”That wasn't nice, Metria,” I said reprovingly.

”Oh? What's wrong with it?” She opened her legs toward me. Now her panties were blue.

”What's wrong is that you're supposed to be tormenting me, not him-and I care a whole lot more about metamagic than I do about your faked-up underwear.”

For once she was silent, but she looked ready to explode into a fireball. ”Ho, ho, ho!” a wall laughed.

When, tired but exhilarated by learning at the end of the day, I came to bed, there was Rose of Roogna under the sheet. I froze, amazed. ”H-how-?”

”Oh, my love, I just couldn't wait,” she said breathlessly. ”I had to come to you.”

I got into the bed with her, hardly believing my fortune. ”But how did you find your way here, Rose?”

She kissed me pa.s.sionately on the mouth. ”I looked in a tome for a period.”

”A what?”

”Epoch, age, duration, era, term, time-”

”Spell?”

”Whatever. Clasp me close, my love! Make that stork jump!”

”Sorry, Metria. I have a hard course of study ahead.”

She kissed me again. ”Really goose that stork! I'm ready-” She broke off, realizing that I had seen through her little charade. ”Peaches and cream!” she swore, turning into a fair emulation of the stork she had described.

”Ho, ho, and ho!” a pillow chortled, before getting smashed by a wing.

I did seem to be holding my own. I hoped Metria never caught on to how near she had come to fooling me.

The year pa.s.sed in days, I mean a daze. I progressed rapidly, because I had already studied everything magical I could find and I was absolutely fascinated by the subject. Metria, unable to admit how badly she had misjudged the situation, settled into a polka-dot funk and finally drifted away, bored furious. I spent a lot of time with Beauregard; we did homework together. He was bright enough, just young for a demon. He would surely get his degree in time.

Before I knew it, I was embroiled in my dissertation: ”Lost Human Castles with Magical Implications.” I had a head start, because I had already found Castle Roogna, but now I had to run down the other great lost castle, that of the Zombie Master. It wasn't all that far from Castle Roogna, as the dragon flies, but it was a devious and messy distance as the magic student walked. I finally located it, and discovered that it was a rather nice place, now that the zombies were gone. In fact- A light blinked over my head. This would be a fine place to live with Rose after we were married! I couldn't live in Castle Roogna, because I would not be king and was not of royal lineage. The castle, as I understood it, was quite strict about that. But once I married her, I could take her away with me. Castle Zombie was a fine and private place, ideal as a reclusive retreat for those without pretensions.

At last the grueling course was through. I knew more about magic than any living man before me, yet my thirst for more remained. Professor Grossclout was almost approving: ”In another century you may be a credit to your species,” he remarked gruffly.

I defended my thesis successfully, though the demon interrogators made me sweat. ”What you have here is competent. But why haven't you covered all the lost human castles with magical implications?” one asked sharply.

”But there are only two,” I protested, suddenly uncertain.

”What of the Ivory Tower?” he demanded. ”What of New Castle Zombie?”

Professor Grossclout nudged him. ”Those have not yet been constructed,” he murmured.

”Oh. Well, what of the Nameless Castle?”

Grossclout nodded. ”He did miss that. However, two out of three isn't bad.”

Nameless Castle? I had never dreamed of such a thing. Where and what could it be?

So I made a C minus, but I pa.s.sed, thanks to Grossclout's favor. It seemed that he appreciated having a student who was genuinely interested in the subject, even if some mush remained in his head.

I had my degree. I was now a true Magician of Information. I could marry Rose at last.

Chapter 10: h.e.l.l.

To her great surprise, Rose found herself awakened by the delicious smell of hot coffee, though she had harvested no hot coffee mugs recently. What was happening?

Millie the Ghost floated in. ”Good morning, sweet lady!” she cried, excited. ”You looked so peaceful sleeping there that I hated to wake you, but it's past dawn and the wedding party starts by midmorning at the latest. Magpie is bringing you a drink to make you alert.”