Part 8 (1/2)

But s.e.xuality and having s.e.x were two different things. Loving someone and being in love were two different things. Need, compulsion, belonging, compatibility, comfort, l.u.s.t, all swirled within him, and he just couldn't get a handle on what exactly had happened to Holden Antaeus, the man. His dragon knew what he wanted and didn't really give a s.h.i.+t about the questions plaguing his logical brain.

When they got back to the lodge, by some silent, tacit agreement, they each went to their rooms to shower. Garret's mind and thoughts were completely open to Holden. He knew his mate was happy about what had happened at the hot springs. Holden kept his most private thoughts about the day to himself. He didn't want Garret getting the wrong idea while he sorted out how he really felt, but worry nagged him and he had no perspective whatsoever on what had occurred.

Dressed in fresh jeans and t-s.h.i.+rt, he emerged from his bedroom to find Garret on the hotel phone. He wanted to rub up against his lover's back, pressing his hips into Garret's firm b.u.t.tocks, but he held off. Dressed in khaki shorts and a forest green polo s.h.i.+rt, the conservative green dragon was trying to soothe his boss, so Holden didn't think he'd appreciate being nuzzled and mussed up at the moment. Holden had already decided that Garret was a bit of a clothes wh.o.r.e, which was okay with him. Holden would love ripping at the man's clothes and ruffling Garret's composure as he ruined suits, silk ties, and expensive slacks in a s.e.xual frenzy.

”Emily, I'm telling you this is nothing to panic over. The market will level off.” Garret's voice held a sharp note and Holden knew his mate was biting the inside of his cheek to control himself.

Frustration came off him in waves. ”Just a minute.” He covered the phone and whispered to Holden, ”I'm probably going to her suite. She's in a snit over something Vahid said to her about an investment she made. Why does he have to pick on her so much?”

Holden shrugged. Vahid and Emily had always hated each other. Until recently, it had been a cold armed truce. Now, at the lodge, they were sniping at each other in a very uncontrolled way.

Holden didn't know what had happened to set them off and until it interfered with business, he wasn't about to get involved.

”I'm going to see Declan. I'll catch up with you later,” he said.

Garret nodded and returned to his conversation with Emily. Holden slipped out the door but instead of heading to his brothers' suite, he went down to the lobby and out to the hotel grounds.

Pulling a cigar from his pocket, he lit it and began to prowl the wild beauty of the lodge gardens.

As he walked, anger rose within him as the questions he'd locked within himself sprang free.

First and foremost was the fact that he'd just given in to l.u.s.t. l.u.s.t driven by the need to mate.

That clawing need inside him seemed to drive everything he'd done and felt over the past couple of days. The sense of being out of control filled him with fury and he wasn't sure why. Aside from the l.u.s.t and being out of control, he didn't understand who he was anymore. His life had been so simple before. Now, the complications blurred his sense of self which frustrated him and fed right into the fury.

Holden stomped his way around the grounds of the lodge, puffing angrily on the cigar and wis.h.i.+ng he had a flask of whiskey. What he needed was a stiff drink or five. h.e.l.l, he just needed to get totally s.h.i.+tfaced to even deal with what had happened. He couldn't believe what he'd done.

What he'd done and liked.

Stopping beside a tree, he leaned against the trunk and took a long drag off the cigar. If he was honest with himself, he'd just flat out say that he'd loved sucking Garret's c.o.c.k. The taste and texture had been new and exciting to him. Learning to take Garret's length and girth in his mouth had been a real eye opener too. He'd never realized what a talent c.o.c.k sucking was. He didn't think he'd ever take a b.l.o.w. .j.o.b for granted again. His free hand came up to rub his jaw, where the after affects of what he'd done still lingered with a slight soreness in the joint.

The cigar had removed the taste of Garret's c.u.m from his mouth, but it hadn't removed his memory of it. Or of how it had felt when that thick shaft of flesh had trembled and jerked against his tongue, spewing the salty sweet essence of Garret into the depths of his mouth. It did nothing to remove his pleasure in Garret's o.r.g.a.s.m and how much satisfaction he'd gotten from it.

Holden closed his eyes for a moment. Dear G.o.ds. This was all so much harder than he'd thought it would be. He'd started to get in the groove, started to accept what had happened, and then the first time he reciprocated, internally he flipped out, wondering once more just who he really was. Although he'd remained outwardly calm, Garret had to know that Holden blocked some thoughts from him.

Further along the path, Holden found a trash can and put the cigar out against the metal side, making sure nothing was smoldering before he tossed the stump in. A few feet away a gardener whacked at the bushes and brush, clearing it away. Holden watched in silence until a voice behind him said, ”It's fire season.”

Turning, he found an older Asian man standing on the path wearing the gardener uniform of the Gargoyle Lodge. He frowned a little. ”I beg your pardon?”

The man smiled serenely. ”You were watching my worker clear away the brush. He is doing so because it is fire season. We do the best we can to protect ourselves from wildfires by creating a distance between the grounds of the lodge and the rest of the forest.”

”I see,” Holden said thoughtfully, his eyes s.h.i.+fting from the Asian man to the man clearing the brush. ”I hadn't realized.”

The Asian man smiled enigmatically. ”I know you didn't. But it's okay. You do now so you'll better understand going forward.”

Holden turned back to the man clearing the brush. Somehow, he didn't think the man was talking about the brush anymore. ”Going forward...” He repeated the words thoughtfully, his brain making the leap from what the gardener had said to his situation with Garret. Despite trying to accept Garret and learning to have s.e.x with a man, he had been clearing away the brush in his mind to create some distance between himself and Garret. That distance would protect him from the emotional wildfire that threatened his peace of mind and sense of self.

Glancing over his shoulder at the Asian gardener, he realized the man had disappeared.

Heading back down the path to the main lodge building, Holden knew he needed to get his head straight. For the moment, that meant he needed a little s.p.a.ce, some time away from Garret. Taking the elevator, he went up to his brothers' suite. When he knocked on the door, Sean answered. Holden tensed.

”You and Declan need to get on those f.u.c.ktards in Australia,” Sean growled in his typical CEO voice. ”They are holding everything up and it's costing me money. Did you see the projections the whiz kid gave me? That stock of theirs is taking a nose dive!”

Holden stepped into the suite and looked his brother in the eyes. ”Sean, we always knew their stock prices would go down as soon as word of our takeover got out,” he soothed. ”And his name is Garret. Not whiz kid.”

”Yeah, what-the-f.u.c.k ever,” Sean muttered. ”I just need this deal closed.”

Fire began to burn in Holden's gut. As Sean moved toward the door, Holden stepped in his path, his furious amber gaze meeting his brother's. ”No, not what-the-f.u.c.k-ever,” he gritted out icily. ”His name is Garret. You will treat him with respect instead of the arrogance you usually dish out. He's not like anyone else you've ever hired so you better get that through your head now and treat him accordingly because if you don't, my fist and your nose have an appointment.”

Sean's eyebrows shot up. ”Is there something you want to tell me?” he asked harshly.

Holden nodded stiffly. ”There is, but now is not the time.”

Sean returned his nod. ”Okay, then. When you're ready, I'll listen.”

The door closed behind him and Holden drew a shaky breath. He walked over to the wet bar and poured himself a whiskey.

”What's wrong?”

The sound of his older brother's concerned voice brought an emotional lump to Holden's throat, just like when they'd been kids and he'd gotten hurt. Declan had always been the one to soothe him. If someone picked on him, Sean beat their a.s.ses and Declan took care of his tears, cuts, and bruises. Holden respected and loved Sean but the big brother he looked up to had always been Declan.

His older brother stood in the doorway to his bedroom, dressed in black sweats, bare- chested, with a towel slung around his neck. His black hair glistened with water and his clan mark swirled darkly over his shoulder and upper arm. Holden sighed and took his drink over to the sofa, plopping down wearily in the corner. Declan followed him, lowering his tall frame into the chair opposite Holden. He leaned forward, elbows on knees.

”Something's wrong. You might as well spit it out, Holden. I'm gonna get it out of you one way or the other,” Declan said in a cool, logical voice. He gestured toward the gla.s.s of whiskey. ”I can just keep plying you with those until you spill the beans.”

”f.u.c.k.” Holden ran a hand around the back of his neck. Beans. Bean counter. Everything led back to Garret these days. He didn't know what to do or think any more. ”I need some perspective, Declan.”

His brother nodded and sat back. ”I'm here. Tell me what's wrong.”

Their eyes met and Holden remembered all the times Declan had helped him make up his mind from the type of bicycle he'd wanted as a kid to whether or not to go to Harvard Law School. He opened his mouth and said, ”I found my mate.” Declan went very still. ”Here? At the lodge? You met someone here?” He blinked, his dark brows slamming together. ”But how? You've been spending all your time with the Won...der...boy...”

His voice trailed away as enlightenment dawned on his face. Holden nodded and the whole story poured forth, from the first moment he'd scented Garret to the moment he'd left him in the suite to go have a cigar. To give Declan his due, he didn't flinch or look surprised, although he had to be as shocked as Holden himself was.

When Holden's narrative ended and silence fell between them, Declan leaned forward again.

His eyes raked over Holden searchingly. Unflinching beneath the knowing stare of his brother, Holden returned his gaze, letting Declan see the turmoil within him. A long sigh escaped Declan.

”You know, I always thought I would be the only one of us tortured in the mating game,” he muttered. ”I never figured that someone as happy and balanced as you would have any problems.”

Declan's words told Holden that his brother had been unnerved by his tale. He never brought up his deathless infatuation with Elysia Granville. For him to refer to it now meant that what had happened to Holden had profoundly affected his brother.

Holden swallowed hard, but the lump in his throat wouldn't dislodge. ”I'm confused, Declan,”

he said hoa.r.s.ely. ”I want him so much and being with him is so d.a.m.ned easy. He's like the best friend I never had.”