Part 9 (1/2)

”What's this nonsense, Kaede? Your rudeness is beyond belief!”

”Forgive me, I am not well,” she murmured. When he did not reply she raised her voice a little. ”Father, I am unwell. I am going home now.”

He still said nothing, as if ignoring her would make her go away. The heron rose with a sudden beat of wings. Two young men walked into the garden to look at the caged birds.

Kaede looked around the room, seeking a screen or something that she might hide behind but there was nothing.

”Good morning!” her father called cheerfully.

The men turned to acknowledge him. Mamoru saw her. There was a moment when she thought he would leave the garden without approaching her, but Lord Fujiwara's treatment of her the previous night when he included her in the men's party must have emboldened him. He led the other man forward and began the formal introductions to her father. She bowed deeply, hoping to hide her face. Mamoru gave the monk's name, Kubo Makoto, and the name of the temple at Terayama. Makoto bowed too.

”Lord s.h.i.+rakawa,” Mamoru said, ”and his daughter, Lady Oton.”

The young monk could not prevent his reaction. He turned pale and his eyes went to her face. He recognized her and spoke in the same moment.

”Lady Otori? You married LordTakeo after all? Is he here with you?”

There was a moment of silence. Then Kaede's father spoke. ”My daughter's husband was Lord Otori s.h.i.+geru.”

Makoto opened his mouth as if he would deny it, thought better of it, and bowed without speaking.

Kaede's father leaned forward. ”You are from Terayama? You did not know that the marriage took place there?”

Makoto said nothing. Her father spoke to her without turning his head. ”Leave us alone.”

She was proud of how steady her voice was when she spoke. ”I am going home. Please make my apologies to Lord Fujiwara.”

He made no response to her. He will kill me, He will kill me, she thought. She bowed to the two young men and saw their embarra.s.sment and their discomfort. As she walked away, forcing herself not to hurry, not to move her head, a wave of emotion began to uncurl in her belly. She saw she would always be the object of those embarra.s.sed looks, that scorn. She gasped at the intensity of the feeling, the sharpness of the despair that came with it. she thought. She bowed to the two young men and saw their embarra.s.sment and their discomfort. As she walked away, forcing herself not to hurry, not to move her head, a wave of emotion began to uncurl in her belly. She saw she would always be the object of those embarra.s.sed looks, that scorn. She gasped at the intensity of the feeling, the sharpness of the despair that came with it. Better to die, Better to die, she thought. she thought. But what about my child, Takeo's child? Must it die with me? But what about my child, Takeo's child? Must it die with me?

At the end of the veranda s.h.i.+zuka was waiting for her. ”We can leave now, lady. Kondo will come with us.”

Kaede allowed the man to lift her into the palanquin. She was relieved to be inside, in the semidarkness where no one could see her face. Father will never look at my face again, Father will never look at my face again, she thought. she thought. He will turn his eyes away even when he kills me. He will turn his eyes away even when he kills me.

When she reached her house, she took off the robe that Fujiwara had given her and folded it carefully. She put on one of her mother's old robes, with a quilted garment underneath. She was cold to the bone and she did not want to tremble.

”You are back!” Hana came running into the room. ”Where is Ai?”

”She stayed at Lord Fujiwara's a little longer.”

”Why did you come back?” the child asked. ”I didn't feel well. I'm all right now.” On an impulse Kaede said, ”I'm going to give you the robe, the autumn one you liked so much. You must put it away and look after it until you are old enough to wear it.”

”Don't you want it?”

”I want you to have it, and to think of me when you wear it, and pray for me.”

Hana stared at her, her eyes sharp. ”Where are you going?” When Kaede did not reply she went on, ”Don't go away again, Older Sister.”

”You won't mind,” Kaede said, trying to tease her. ”You won't miss me.”

To her dismay, Hana began to sob noisily and then to scream. ”I will miss you! Don't leave me! Don't leave me!”

Ayame came running. ”Now what is it, Hana? You must not be naughty with your sister.”

s.h.i.+zuka came into the room. ”Your father is at the ford,” she said. ”He has come alone, on horseback.”

”Ayame,” Kaede said, ”take Hana out for a while. Take her to the forest. All the servants must go with you. I want no one in the house.”

”But, Lady Kaede, it's so early and still so cold.”

”Please do as I say,” Kaede begged. Hana cried more wildly as Ayame led her away.

”It is grief that makes her so wild,” s.h.i.+zuka said.

”I am afraid I must inflict still more on her,” Kaede exclaimed. ”But she must not be here.”

She stood and went to the small chest where she kept a few things. She took the knife from it, felt its weight in her forbidden left hand. Soon it would no longer matter to anyone which hand she had used. ”Which is best, in the throat or in the heart?”

”You don't have to do it,” s.h.i.+zuka said quietly. ”We can flee. The Tribe will hide you. Think of the child.”

”I can't run away!” Kaede was surprised at the loudness of her own voice.

”Then let me give you poison. It will be swift and painless. You will simply fall asleep and never-”

Kaede cut her short. ”I am a warrior's daughter. I'm not afraid of dying. You know better than anyone how often I have thought of taking my own life. First I must ask Father's forgiveness, then I must use the knife on myself. My only question is, which is better?”

s.h.i.+zuka came close to her. ”Place the point here, at the side of your neck. Thrust it sideways and upward. That will slash the artery.” Her voice, matter-of-fact to start with, faltered, and Kaede saw there were tears in her eyes. ”Don't do it,” s.h.i.+zuka whispered. ”Don't despair yet.”

Kaede transferred the knife to her right hand. She heard the shouts of the guard, the horse's hoofbeats as her father rode through the gate. She heard Kondo greet him.

She gazed out onto the garden. A sudden flash of memory came to her of herself as a little child running the length of the veranda from her father to her mother and back again. I've never remembered that before, I've never remembered that before, she thought, and whispered soundlessly, she thought, and whispered soundlessly, Mother, Mother! Mother, Mother!

Her father stepped onto the veranda. As he came through the doorway both she and s.h.i.+zuka dropped to their knees, foreheads to the ground.

”Daughter,” he said, his voice uncertain and thin. She looked up at him and saw his face streaked with tears, his mouth working. She had been afraid of his anger, but now she saw his madness and it frightened her more.

”Forgive me,” she whispered.

”I must kill myself now.” He sat heavily in front of her, taking his dagger from his belt. He looked at the blade for a long time.

”Send for Shoji,” he said finally. ”He must a.s.sist me. Tell your man to ride to his house and fetch him.”

When she made no response, he shouted suddenly, ”Tell him!”

”I'll go,” s.h.i.+zuka whispered. She crawled on her knees to the edge of the veranda; Kaede heard her speak to Kondo, but the man did not leave. Instead he stepped up onto the veranda and she knew he was waiting just outside the doorway.

Her father made a sudden gesture toward her. She could not help flinching, thinking he was about to hit her. He said, ”There was no marriage!”

”Forgive me,” she said again. ”I have shamed you. I am ready to die.”

”But there is a child?” He was staring at her as though she were a viper that would strike at any moment.