Chapter 24 (1/2)

If it’s not because I wanted to return your side

I would’ve already given in to fate

―Fann Wong, Jeff Chang (“Don’t Let Love Be a Dilemma”)

After the drama script was ready, He Luo pa.s.sed it onto her uncle Amba.s.sador Luo. He praised the script non-stop and even enthusiastically offered to help the club members rehea.r.s.e. The script was adapted by Cai Man Xin. She and He Luo’s uncle got along so wonderfully that they would even discuss the conflict between law and ethics portrayed in Antigone after the rehearsal. Before they knew it, it was dinner time.

Amba.s.sador Luo said, “The kids must all be hungry. I’ll treat. We can discuss as we eat.”

Shen Lie had been busy with preparing the props. He came over, face red and sweaty. “Uncle, we’ve already troubled you so much. How can we let you treat us?”

Cai Man Xin burst out laughing. “Hey, don’t act like you’re family! It’s obviously He Luo’s uncle, how did he become your uncle? Call him Teacher Luo or Amba.s.sador Luo.”

He Luo’s face reddened. Shen Lie waved his hand. “Y-You! Can’t I just be nervous? This is my first time meeting a vice ministerial level official, that’s why I’m so tongue-tied.”

Amba.s.sador Luo slowly nodded and laughed, carrying a hint of deeper meaning. “We’re all Luo Luo’s good friends. Just call me uncle, it’s okay.”

A few days later, He Luo was at her uncle’s place for dinner. Aunt smiled and said, “I heard from your uncle there’s a boy surnamed Shen who is courting you?”

He Luo who was eating a piece of steamed fish nearly choked. “Since when? I haven’t even heard of it, where did uncle hear it from?”

Amba.s.sador Luo said, “Is my thirty years as a diplomat for naught? Reading the subtext, speculating the other person’s intentions. All these signals coming from you little young’uns cannot escape my eyes.”

It wasn’t that He Luo didn’t notice Shen Lie’s kindness to her. But he had always kept a respectful distance as her close friend. Earlier, he didn’t reveal his feelings because of Zhang Yuan, but what about now? He Luo’s heart became anxious. She has never once thought whether she would accept or reject if Shen Lie had confessed to her. Perhaps she should say, she would avoid the issue every time it creeped into her mind.

“Uncle, let’s not talk about this,” she said. “We’ll all go separate ways after graduation. To discuss whatever feelings, it’s all too uncertain now.”

“But your feelings when you’re young is the most sincere,” Amba.s.sador Luo said. “There are a lot of people in this world whom you’ll get along with, but the ones who will be together in the end are those who sincerely understand each other and are willing to compromise. Shen Lie that child isn’t a bad choice. He has a good character. On the outside he looks like a playful person, but he really knows how to be considerate.”

Since young, He Luo has wors.h.i.+pped her youngest uncle as a living legend and would naturally consider his words carefully. Perhaps it was time for her to give up the past. She no longer know or wanted to know what that person was concerned about or up to recently. They were already strangers to each other.

With instantaneous information transmission technology, gossip would naturally spread like wildfire. After being filtered through numerous people, rumours can be distorted out of shape. Zhang Yuan has heard at least eight versions about He Luo’s new relations.h.i.+p despite not being in the dorm often, as he left early and returned late each day. There were rumours that the new couple were inseparable, that they held hands as they walked in the campus, and the boy wanted He Luo to meet his parents during semester break… Zhao Cheng Jie who studied in the medical faculty in another university travelled half a city to meet Zhang Yuan. When he saw him, he got a shock. “Boss, how many days have it been since you last shaved?” he asked. “You’ve become a caveman!”

“I was busy, didn’t have the time.”

“You should’ve at least the time to eat.” Zhao Cheng Jie took him to a small restaurant outside the provincial university and ordered a few dishes at random.

As they waited, Zhang Yuan took out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. “You want one?”

Zhao Cheng Jie immediately rejected his offer. Zhang Yuan didn’t say another word as he lit his cigarette. Noticing Zhao Cheng Jie’s questioning gaze, he quietly said, “I’ve been staying up lately. I need this to wake me up.”

“When it comes to girls, just let the past stay in the past,” Zhao Cheng Jie comforted his friend. “My deskmate is too prideful. As friends, she’s wonderful but she’s too tiring as a girlfriend.”

“Girls are all quite tiring.” Zhang Yuan smiled. “Their brain structure is different from us boys. Come, hurry up and eat, let’s not say such things.” He ordered two bowls of rice and placed a slice of braised meat on his bowl. “Ah, it’s truly great to eat rice! I actually just remembered now, I’ve only had instant noodles since yesterday. I’m starving.”

“What are you busying about? Busy hitting on another girl?”

“What are you saying!” Zhang Yuan held up his hand and counted one by one with his fingers. “Professional course, makeup tests, English test, programming contest. Tell me, which one doesn’t need my 100% attention on them? Who has the time to hit on a girl?”

“That day I came over to play ball, I even saw you happily eating dinner with another girl. You were even being incredibly attention, bringing her water and eating utensils.”

“Which day?” Zhang Yuan jogged his memory. “A pretty girl? Do you mean a girl who isn’t very tall, has curly hair, and has big eyes? That one?”

“Do you have more than one girl?” A helpless Zhao Cheng Jie responded.

“Oh. Zhang Wei Rui. She’s just a regular friend. That day she came to congratulate me after seeing my name announced as the winner of a programming contest in the campus newspaper. Don’t say nonsense. Girls need to worry about their reputation.”

“Then the next day?” Zhao Cheng Jie was unwilling to give up. “She came two days in a row to congratulate you? Is that it?”

“The first day she asked me for the questions tested in this year’s programming contest as a favour for her junior. So I went back and jotted down for her.”

“Was that all? So simple?”

“Yes. It’s that simple.”

Zhao Cheng Jie’s face twisted from agony. Bitterly, he said, “Boss, I want to tell you something but please don’t hit me.” He recounted the things he told He Luo over the internet, and then added, “If my deskmate got a random guy as a boyfriend just to anger you, then my guilt is too great.”

For a moment Zhang Yuan was silent. He took out another cigarette but did not light it. He rubbed the cigarette between his fingers, until it was eventually squashed. “I finally remember who is it,” he said. “She won’t date a random guy. He’s not bad, quite a nice guy.”

That boy, would He Luo allow him to ease the frown knotted between her brows? This was something he was no longer capable or allowed to do. Perhaps he thought initiating the breakup was something he did in the heat of the moment, yet the thought had been running in his mind for a long time.

Each time they separated, he always antic.i.p.ated seeing her again. But each time they reunited, he became afraid to look directly at her. Her eyes were too sharp, her tone too aggressive, so much so he wasn’t allowed to be weak in front of her. Their common topics became fewer and fewer. As they sat next to each other in the windy fall, one was looking at the sky, the other at the lonely meadow.

He Luo’s world felt too far away; his world she disdained.

As they neared semester finals, their university organised a blood drive. Calling it the obligation and responsibility of students, everyone who pa.s.sed the basic physical examination were required to join. Some objected but many more enjoyed the privileges that came with it. The university granted each faculty money as compensation. Thanks to that, everyone who partic.i.p.ated got two pounds of red dates in return, free chicken soup at the canteen, and even three days of additional holidays.

Seeing as there was time and money provided, Zhou Xing Yan thought it was the best opportunity to visit Mount Tai. Her boyfriend was Shen Lie’s roommate, Jiang Zhi Yao. Back when they were having the run, he was the one who mocked Xing Yan for falling down. Yet he took the initiative to send Xing Yan to the campus clinic on his bicycle, and even chauffeured her around for cla.s.ses afterwards. As they spend time laughing and joking around on his bicycle, the pair has been together for about a year. Hearing Zhou Xing Yan’s little ambition, Ye Zhi giggled. “If you faint in Mount Tai, Jiang Zhi Yao won’t have the ability to send you to the campus clinic.”

In a straight face, Jiang Zhi Yao said, “Just listen to her speak nonsense. I’ve already said she doesn’t exercise enough. She has thin blood vessels. Earlier, before the doctor could even find her vessels, the entire hall can already hear her loud scream.”

“What? You’re not satisfied?” Zhou Xing Yan waved her fist at him. “Just look at Shen Lie. He’s been carrying the thermos with him all morning. As soon as he finished donating blood, he went straight to the canteen to bring back chicken soup for all of us. Learn something from him!”

“This smelly brat! He didn’t even bother bringing any to our room but you all are actually enjoying chicken soup here.” Jiang Zhi Yao looked sideways at Shen Lie, smiling wickedly.

“What’s wrong with bringing soup to the girls’ room?” Shen Lie was entirely frank. “In the first place we have fewer girls in our course. Besides, do you think a thermos is enough to carry soup for all you guys? Maybe a water tank would work.”

“We understand your good intentions.” Zhou Xing Yan smiled. “But it’s a good thing you prepared a thermos. If you’re waiting for He Luo to come out, you’ll need to wait awhile longer!”

“What’s wrong with her?” Shen Lie asked, panicked. “Is it because she has thin vessels too?”

“Go and see for yourself.” She batted her eyelids.

Shen Lie took three big steps before running into the hall. He saw He Luo looking exhausted as she sat on a chair and rubbed her temples. He couldn’t help but worry. He walked over and asked, “What’s wrong, did you feel dizzy? Why don’t I go and get you some sugared water?”

“It’s okay, I’m fine. I can still hang on. I’m the Red Cross volunteer on duty after all.” He Luo waved her hand. “Earlier there was a pretty large guy who just fell over and fainted. We all worked up a sweat trying to move him to the side.”

“Then why aren’t you going back to your room to rest? You’re forcing yourself.” Shen Lie pursed his lips. “Look at the other volunteers, who among them are on duty immediately after donating blood? And when did you join the Red Cross a.s.sociation? Didn’t you just register for a GRE cla.s.s for the summer? Do you want to work yourself to death?”

He Luo smiled. “It’s not that easy to die.”

Shen Lie sighed. “I only hope that you’re doing what you want to, that you do things that make you truly happy. I haven’t seen you laugh from your heart in a long time.”

“From my heart?” He Luo t.i.tled her head.

The year Zhang Yuan came to Beijing. Shen Lie held back his words. He had never again seen that kind of He Luo, whose entire self was lit up. She was like a child whose entire expression screamed happiness. She was coy and sweet; in a second, her expression had a hundred different changes.

Yet now she only had two expressions: dazed or smiling.

Shen Lie wanted to get closer, yet He Luo was like a fog. From a distance he could make out her silhouette, yet when he approached, he only grasped at thin air.

As summer break approached, He Luo decided she was not going home. Instead, she registered for a GRE cla.s.s and even bought a reference book dubbed the “Red Treasure”, although she only memorised only one of their many list of vocabulary. She planned to make some time to do a frontal attack and read the entire book before the cla.s.s.

The four girls sc.r.a.pped their money together and bought a computer for their room. On the surface, the computer was intended for them to practice their English listening skills. It was, in fact, to make life easier for them when they download anime, games, movies, TV shows, and mp3 from the resource-rich campus intranet. Under Zhou Xing Yan’s leaders.h.i.+p, the girls also started watching j.a.panese dramas. No matter who was using the computer, as soon as someone opened the door, they would see an unkempt girl watching a j.a.panese drama with headphones on, crying and laughing like a maniac.

Tong Jia Ying was a disciplined person but even she could barely resist the temptation. She wanted to watch the dramas but also wanted to focus on her studies. Thus, she steeled her determination and requested Ye Zhi set a pa.s.sword on the computer. She said, “If I insist on watching the drama anyway, just scold me without holding back.”

Ye Zhi laughed with joy. “Okay, since someone is begging me to scold her. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. In the future you’ll be my punching bag.” Before she could be too smug for a few days, she suffered persistent hara.s.sment. Tong Jia Ying chased her all the way from the administrative building to the library, saying, “Hey, I finished my exams today. Tell me the pa.s.sword, I want to relax a bit.”

Ye Zhi gritted her teeth. “You can relax all you want, but sis, I haven’t revise for my world history paper tomorrow!”

When she returned to their room, she not only had to suffer the great temptation brought on by the computer but also the denunciation of Tong Jia Ying.

Back home, He Luo had already watched all the cla.s.sic j.a.panese dramas like East Love on her satellite TV, thus she was not obsessed like her roommates. She let them enjoy the computer and camped in the study room to memorise the English vocabulary. At the end of June, Beijing was warming up. In the entire campus, the only place with air-conditioning was the library. Thus, each time the doors were open, thousands of students would rush in. The guard would only dare to open one door to lower the risk of being stampeded to death. He Luo simply couldn’t enter the terrain. Instead, she equipped herself with a small towel, wet it in the washroom, and pat her forehead with it to cool down.

She would memorise the first part of the vocabulary, but forget the next. When she read the word in the book, she would remember them, but as soon as she placed it down, she would forget. He Luo felt like it was impossible for her to remember everything. When she returned to her room, it was another loud crowd of people chattering, making her feel even more upset.

When Shen Lie suggested going to Beidaihe district after the exams, Zhou Xing Yan gave an enthusiastic response and even persuaded He Luo to go. Without much thought, He Luo agreed. But when she asked who else was going, she realised that it were all couples and felt awkward. Shen Lie noticed her hesitation and said, “There’s a home(?) near the railway that I can get a discount for. Go and ask if any of your friends want to join.”

Tong Jia Ying said, “The train ticket is too expensive.”

Ye Zhi said, “I refuse to be a giant light bulb.”

Cai Man Xin said, “You’ve no ambition. What’s there to see at such an overdeveloped place like Beidaihe. If I’m going, I want to go to some place without many people.”

Tian Xin said, “My parents missed me.”

Li Yun Wei has some family problems so she had no mood to travel.

A straight body was unafraid of a crooked shadow, He Luo thought. There was nothing for her to worry about. Even though there were a lot of rumours, Shen Lie had never once confessed his feelings. As for her, her life was like a new page in a diary. It was empty but there were traces left from a past written too strongly on the former page. If she wasn’t careful, she could see the shadow of her past. Perhaps a new story could hide that past.

He Luo didn’t resist the changes life brought but she cannot muster the strength to pursue anything. She watched Shen Lie busied himself preparing for their trip. He spoke a lot, he was reckless yet attentive. His preparation was detailed and meticulous. He was an eye-catching boy, usually laughing and joking. When he was concentrating, his eyes will be wide open and he would hold his chin with his thumb. He would sometimes place his index finger at the bridge of his nose. But when she called him, he would turn around to look at her, immediately wearing a sincere smile.

He was the one who coaxed her all along. She had never needed to accommodate him. Such a person, if he told her, “Let’s be together.”

If he said that.

Will you agree?

He Luo shook her head, berating herself for being narcissistic. Zhou Xing Yan was completely unconcerned and threw all preparation work to Jiang Zhi Yao. She happily watched the j.a.panese drama she downloaded, It Started with a Kiss (Itazura Na Kiss) starring Takas.h.i.+ Kas.h.i.+wabara and Aiko Sato. He Luo said, “You have to sleep early, or you may wake up late and miss the train.”

Ye Zhi said, “Ei, it’s so unbelievable she would still be watching a drama with such an ugly heroine. Her ears are so big.”

Zhou Xing Yan protested, “That’s her distinctive quality. Big eyes, big ears, big mouth. Besides, there’s a good-looking guy here. It’s Takas.h.i.+ Kas.h.i.+wabara, really a pretty boy.”

He Luo glanced at the screen. “Oh. That’s the boy from Love Letter.”

“Is that a j.a.panese drama?” Ye Zhi asked. “What’s it about? Sounds like it’d be good.”

“A movie. I can’t tell you the plot, or else it’s no longer fun for you.” He Luo loosened her tense shoulders. “Go and watch yourself.”

“The theme is nostalgia,” Zhou Xing Yan interrupted. “A puppy love that met an untimely death.”

He Luo laughed at her. “The two of them didn’t even start a relations.h.i.+p, how can you say that?”

“That’s exactly the embodiment of a puppy love,” Tong Jia Ying helped Zhou Xing Yan. “They’ve barely started but it also ended early. That’s puppy love.”

The grief in He Luo’s heart ached. What they all said hit her straight in the mark. The death of a puppy love, the years have pa.s.sed like water, they can only mourn its pa.s.sing.

Ye Zhi desperately gave Tong Jia Ying a look, trying to stop her. “Did I say something wrong again?” Tong Jia Ying immediately realised her fault and tried to give an excuse. “Ai, I’m not talking about you, Luo Luo.” The more she tried to explain, the more trouble she got into.

“I’m fine.” He Luo waved her hand and leisurely sat on the bed. Everyone was silent. The computer screen showed the fragmented image of high school days, a surprised girl, a cold and arrogant boy. All these experiences were different from her own, but those flowery dreams from those years, the bitterness and sweetness, were the same.

She thought that if her feelings were no longer for him, her life would eventually become renewed, and there would be a day where the past would crumble into ashes. But when she thought of that day, she became inexplicably sad. He Luo glanced at the “Red Treasure” book placed at the end of the bed and asked herself, Is this what you want? She looked at the train ticket to Beidaihe she was holding in her hand and asked herself, Is this also what you want?

If she choose Shen Lie, would she be able to throw herself completely into him? To him and herself, is that fair?

She once thought she would return to a peaceful life, satisfied with memories that she could occasionally reminisce about. She obviously found the idea of returning to him a ridiculous idea, yet why did her heart ached so much when she pa.s.sed by the corner of the street where they first kissed? Time will dull all feelings. Who can tell me how many years will that take?

In the past half year, whether she moved forward or backward, she tortured herself with hesitation and regret. What is it that makes me long for you, even now? What makes me laugh and cry for you? There’s no other person, it’s only you that I love.

He Luo felt awake, like she was finally sober. She gave Shen Lie the train ticket as well as the refund fee, and watched the surprise and helplessness in his eyes.

“You’ve made your decision, haven’t you?” Cai Man Xin asked.

“Yes.” He Luo nodded with resolution. “I suddenly realised that in the past half a year, I have never once tried anything not because I’ve lost all hope, but because I was too sad. I was so sad that I don’t have the strength or courage to face everything. I’m still young, I still have the strength to suffer. I still can invest more of my time into this sunk cost.”

“You said it yourself, you can’t forget him because you can’t forget your innocent high school years. Perhaps, you’re not satisfied that he’s the one who initiated the breakup?” Cai Man Xin anxiously said. “What if he doesn’t accept you now, if he already has a girlfriend?”

“Then I’ll get him back.” He Luo counted on her fingers. “Whether I’m unsatisfied, or simply missing my high school years, my investment into the relations.h.i.+p has piled up so much… whatever the reason, the results are the same. It’s just that, the only person I can imagine spending the rest of my life with is him.”

Sitting in the restaurant where they were having their high school reunion, He Luo felt unease. When she left Beijing, she vowed she would calmly have a chat with Zhang Yuan. But when she pa.s.sed by the provincial university earlier and saw its yellow-and-white main building, she was so nervous that she had to remind herself to breathe.