Chapter 23 (1/2)

Silence. They didn’t even have a reason to argue. There was nothing to break the silence.

“I haven’t figured out if I want to go abroad,” He Luo said. “I need to see Zhang Yuan’s plan.”

He Luo told Zhang Yuan, “I’ll just take the test for fun. I don’t really need to apply for overseas.” His response was plain: “It’s good if you apply for that.”

He replied, “It’s your future. I can’t make the decision for you.”

He Luo was unhappy. “We’re discussing the future of us both, not mine alone. I didn’t say I must go abroad, I just wanted to listen to your plan.”

It appeared that He Luo has double standards. If back then he was admitted into Tsinghua, will she still ask him to give up on his dreams? Zhang Yuan was depressed. He was still the same person. He had just slipped up once, was it enough to negate his entire self?

“Young’un, you’re lacking experience after all.” Those was what they often said. Zhang Yuan would rather they mock him than sympathise him, at least that was more bearable. He pondered about it over and over, where he can find an opportunity, how he can get recognition. He thought too much. By the time he realised, it was already final exams.

This time He Luo returned, she came home with a first cla.s.s scholars.h.i.+p. She was visibly happy about it and was evidently high-spirited the entire time. When they took the taxi, Zhang Yuan was quiet. The temperature inside the car lowered to a freezing point. The two was forced to start a conversation, and the driver piped in, “Listening to your accent, it doesn’t seem like you’re a local.”

The driver was envious. “The capital is a great place. You can even see the National Day parade.”

Right now, he could still respond appropriately, but what about in the future? What about when she travels to an even wider world? He had once vowed that not applying abroad was the true test for one’s ability. But now, it was like what she has once said: Winner takes all.

*

Dad was helpless. “This is not some kind of rare disease. Look, even if you take her to some ordinary doctor or to the chief physician, the diagnosis would be the same. Other than eating well and getting enough sleep, there’s no other solution.”

“It’s good for her to be a little sick. That way her immune system can be strengthened,” Dad tried to comfort his wife. “A fever is actually good to detoxify the body.”

Why would he say those words? It must be the fever scrambling her brain, messing her memories, and making it seem like her nightmare was real.

“Stop playing around.” He Luo pulled on his sleeve but her hand was gently removed. He turned around to leave, leaving He Luo on the side of a street at eight at night. It was minus thirty degrees, so cold even the snow falling on her eyebrow would not melt.

She said she was tired from the running and wanted to rest. Yet he actually said not to run anymore, that it was game over.

Sitting behind him, sketching his side profile like a silly girl. Under the yellow streetlight, his laughing face as he said, “He Luo, I’ll remember you forever.”

They hugged, kissed. In the winter, she was holding baked sweet potatoes, he was holding her hand. Without him, her life was blank. Yet he actually ended their relations.h.i.+p just like that, saying, “I’m not the kind of person that you want.”

By the time she snapped to her senses, she had already stood in the cold for half an hour. The chill had seeped into every corner of her body. She s.h.i.+vered, her teeth chattered. It was only then that she realised she had been standing in the same place, staring in the direction he had went. I want to go home, she thought. While there’s still some warmth left. It’s too cold here. Where’s her mom’s embrace?

*

Was there a need to continue to badger him for an explanation? She wanted to tell him that she couldn’t live without him. Perhaps this was true, but she couldn’t say it. She has her determination and her own pride.

“I don’t know anything about drama.” She shook her head.

“What compet.i.tion?” He Luo was surprised. “And since when you’ve joined the drama club? I didn’t even know.”

“Oh…” He Luo smiled, no longer talking.

He paused. Seeing He Luo’s focus on him, he continued, “That girl hold onto my hand, shouting, ‘Ah, my dear father!’”

He Luo laughed briefly and leaned her head on Tian Xin’s shoulder. Looking down, she quietly sighed, “If he can be moved, will we even break up?”

“I don’t know,” He Luo replied. “As long as Zhang Yuan has made his decision, I’ll unconditionally support whatever he wants to do. What I want is not to go abroad or become a postgraduate student. I want us to be together. But each time I can’t convey this wish properly, it’s like I’m lowering my pride to beg him. Have you heard of the song I Care for You The Most? I like everything about the song except this part where they said, ‘So I beg of you, don’t let me leave you.’ It’s too subservient.”

“Having chosen our cla.s.s, not only aren’t you paying attention, you’re even thinking of that useless b.a.s.t.a.r.d!” Cai Man Xin was so angry that she grabbed He Luo’s notebook. He Luo resisted and the two of them engaged in a tug-of-war over the book.

“Look at that brat. He often looked down on social sciences but now he’s always present in this cla.s.s. He’s up to something.” Cai Man Xin made a ‘heng’ sound but then smiled. “To be honest, don’t you find Shen Lie pretty good? He’s really, really, really better than Zhang Yuan.”

“If you know it’s a sunk cost, then why are you still investing in it?” Cai Man Xin pursed her lips.

Cai Man Xin sighed. “Feelings are a complicated matter, there’s really no logic to it.” She then continued, “I have never cared for someone as much as you do. Say, how do you know that you’ve fallen for someone?”

Cai Man Xin breathed a sigh of relief. “Good thing I haven’t experienced my loss of self. I think in the future I won’t either.”

Everything becomes pointless. He Luo tossed and turned in her sleep every night. Her hurting self was defeating her pride and arrogance. She can just throw away her pride, she can lower her head. Whatever Zhang Yuan wanted, she would give him. So be it. Even though my heart is anxious, I’m even more worried about losing you.

*

He Luo was briefly stunned. She didn’t know how to answer. She didn’t tell any of their old cla.s.smates about what happened that winter. She vaguely answered, “Oh, same old, same old.”