Part 17 (1/2)

a.s.sisted by Mr. Bouncer's instructions, would gradually remove.

However, Mr. Verdant Green had, at any rate, ceased to be ”a Freshman” in name; and had received that University promotion, which Mr. Charles Larkyns commemorated by the following ~affiche~, which our hero, on his return from his first morning chapel in the Michaelmas term, found in a conspicuous position on his oak,

COMMISSION SIGNED BY THE VICE-CHANCELLOR OF THE UNIVERSITY OF OXFORD.

MR. VERDANT GREEN to be an Oxford Undergraduate, ~vice~ Oxford Freshman, SOLD out.

It is generally found to be the case, that the youthful Undergraduate first seeks to prove he is no longer a ”Freshman,” by endeavouring to impose on the credulity of those young

[126 ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN]

gentlemen who come up as freshmen in his second term. And, in this, there is an a.n.a.logy between the biped and the quadruped; for, the wild, gambolling, schoolboy elephant, when he has been brought into a new circle, and has been trained to new habits, will take pleasure in ensnaring and deluding his late companions in play.

The ”sells” by which our hero had been ”sold out” as a Freshman, now formed a stock in trade for the Undergraduate, which his experience enabled him to dispose of (with considerable interest) to the most credulous members of the generations of Freshmen who came up after him. Perhaps no Freshman had ever gone through a more severe course of hoaxing - to survive it - than Mr. Verdant Green; and yet, by a system of retaliation, only paralleled by the quadrupedal case of the before-mentioned elephant, and the biped-beadle case of the ill.u.s.trious Mr. b.u.mble, who after having his own ears boxed by the late Mrs. Corney, relieved his feelings by boxing the ears of the small boy who opened the gate for him, - our hero took the greatest delight in seeking every opportunity to play off upon a Freshman some one of those numerous hoaxes which had been so successfully practised on himself. And while, in referring to the early part of his University career, he omitted all mention of such anecdotes as displayed his own personal credulity in the strongest light - which anecdotes the faithful historian has thought fit to record, - he, nevertheless, dwelt with extreme pleasure on the reminiscences of a few isolated facts, in which he himself appeared in the character of the hoaxer.

These facts, when neatly garnished with a little fiction, made very palatable dishes for University entertainment, and were served up by our hero, when he went ”down into the country,” to select parties of relatives and friends (N.B. - Females preferred). On such occasions, the following hoax formed Mr. Verdant Green's ~piece de resistance~.

CHAPTER II.

MR. VERDANT GREEN DOES AS HE HAS BEEN DONE BY.

ONE morning, Mr. Verdant Green and Mr. Bouncer were lounging in the venerable gateway of Brazenface. The former gentleman, being of an amiable, tame-rabbit-keeping disposition, was making himself very happy by whistling popular airs to the Porter's pet bullfinch, who was laboriously engaged on a small tread-mill, winding up his private supply of water. Mr. Bouncer, being of a more volatile temperament, was amusing himself by asking the Porter's opinion

[AN OXFORD FRESHMAN 127]

on the foreign policy of Great Britain, and by making very audible remarks on the pa.s.sers-by. His attention was at length riveted by the appearance on the other side of the street, of a modest-looking young gentleman, who appeared to be so ill at ease in his frock-coat and ”stick-up” collars, as to lead to the strong presumption that he wore those articles of manly dress for the first time.

”I'll bet you a bottle of blacking, Giglamps,” said little Mr.

Bouncer, as he directed our hero's attention to the stranger, ”that this respected party is an intending Freshman. Look at his customary suits of solemn black, as Oth.e.l.lo, or Hamlet, or some other swell, says in Shakespeare. And, besides his black go-to-meeting bags, please to observe,” continued the little gentleman, in the tone of a wax-work showman; ”please to ~h~observe the pecooliarity hof the hair-chain, likewise the straps of the period. Look! he's coming this way. Giglamps, I vote we take a rise out of the youth. Hem!

Good morning! Can we have the pleasure of a.s.sisting you in anything?”

”Yes, sir! thank you, sir,” replied the youthful stranger, who was flus.h.i.+ng like a girl up to the very roots of his curly, auburn hair; ”perhaps, sir, you can direct me to Brazenface College, sir?”

”Well, sir! it's not at all improbable, sir, but what I could, sir;”

replied Mr. Bouncer; ”but, perhaps, sir, you'll first favour me with your name, and your business there, sir.”

”Certainly, sir!” rejoined the stranger; and, while he fumbled at his card-case, the experienced Mr. Bouncer whispered to our hero, ”Told you he was a sucking Freshman, Giglamps! He has got a bran new card-case, and says 'sir' at the sight of the academicals.” The card handed to Mr. Bouncer, bore the name of ”MR. JAMES PUCKER;” and, in smaller characters in the corner of the card, were the words, ”~Brazenface College, Oxford~.”

”I came, sir,” said the blus.h.i.+ng Mr. Pucker, ”to enter for my matriculation examination, and I wished to see the gentleman who will have to examine me, sir.”

”The doose you do!” said Mr. Bouncer sternly; ”then young man, allow me to say, that you've regularly been and gone and done it, and put your foot in it most completely.”

”How-ow-ow, how, sir?” stammered the dupe.

”How?” replied Mr. Bouncer, still more sternly; ”do you mean to brazen out your offence by asking how? What ~could~ have induced you, sir, to have had printed on this card the name of this College, when you've not a prospect of belonging to it - it may be for years, it may be for never, as the bard says. You've committed a most grievous offence against the University statutes, young gentleman; and so this gentleman here -

[128 ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN]

Mr. Pluckem, the junior examiner - will tell you!” and with that, little Mr. Bouncer nudged Mr. Verdant Green, who took his cue with astonis.h.i.+ng apt.i.tude, and glared through his gla.s.ses at the trembling Mr. Pucker, who stood blus.h.i.+ng, and bowing, and heartily repenting that his school-boy vanity had led him to invest four-and-sixpence in ”100 cards, and plate, engraved with name and address.”