Part 15 (1/2)

But while these pleasures(?) of the body were being attended to, the recreation of the mind was not forgotten. Mr. Larkyns had proposed Verdant's name at the Union; and, to that gentleman's great satisfaction, he was not black-balled. He daily, therefore, frequented the reading-room, and made a point of looking through all the magazines and newspapers; while he felt quite a pride in sitting in luxurious state upstairs, writing his letters to the home department on the very best note-paper, and sealing them extensively with ”the Oxford Union” seal; though he could not at first be persuaded that trusting his letters to a wire closet was at all a safe system of postage.

He also attended the Debates, which were then held in the <vg110-2.jpg> long room behind Wyatt's; and he was particularly charmed with the manner in which vital questions, that (as he learned from the newspapers) had proved stumbling-blocks to the greatest statesmen of the land, were rapidly solved by the embryo statesmen of the Oxford Union. It was quite a sight, in that long picture-room, to see the rows of light iron seats densely crowded with young men - some of whom would perhaps rise to be Cannings, or Peels, or Gladstones - and to hear how one beardless gentleman would call another beardless gentleman his ”honourable friend,” and appeal ”to the sense of the House,” and address himself to ”Mr. Speaker;” and how they would all juggle the same tricks of rhetoric as their fathers were doing in certain other debates in a certain other House.

And it was curious, too, to mark the points of resemblance between the two Houses; and how the smaller one had, on its smaller scale,

[AN OXFORD FRESHMAN 111]

its Hume, and its Lord John, and its ”Dizzy;” and how they went through the same traditional forms, and preserved the same time-honoured ideas, and debated in the fullest houses, with the greatest spirit and the greatest length, on such points <vg111-1.jpg> as, ”What course is it advisable for this country to take in regard to the government of its Indian possessions, and the imprisonment of Mr. Jones by the Rajah of Humbugp.o.o.poonah?” <vg111-2.jpg> Indeed, Mr. Verdant Green was so excited by this interesting debate, that on the third night of its adjournment he rose to address the House; but being ”no orator as Brutus is,” his few broken words were received with laughter, and the honourable gentleman was coughed down.

Our hero had, as an Oxford freshman, to go through that cheerful form called ”sitting in the schools,” - a form which consisted in the following ceremony. Through a door in the right-hand corner of the Schools Quadrangle, - (Oh, that door!

[112 ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN]

does it not bring a pang into your heart only to think of it? to remember the day when you went in there as pale as the little pair of bands in which you were dressed for your sacrifice; and came out all in a glow and a chill when your examination was over; and posted your bosom-friend there to receive from Purdue the little slip of paper, and bring you the thrilling intelligence that you had pa.s.sed; or to come empty-handed, and say that you had been plucked! Oh, that door!

well <vg112.jpg> might be inscribed there the line which, on Dante's authority, is a.s.signed to the door of another place, -

”ALL HOPE ABANDON, YE WHO ENTER HERE!”)

- entering through this door in company with several other unfortunates, our hero pa.s.sed between two galleries through a pa.s.sage, by which, if the place had been a circus, the horses would have entered, and found himself in a tolerably large room lighted on either side by windows, and panelled half-way up the walls. Down the centre of this room ran a large green-baize-covered table, on the one side of which were some eight or ten miserable beings who were then undergoing examination, and were supplied with pens, ink, blotting-pad, and large sheets of thin ”scribble-paper,” on which they were struggling to impress their ideas; or else had a book set before them,

[AN OXFORD FRESHMAN 113]

out of which they were construing, or being racked with questions that touched now on one subject and now on another, like a bee among flowers. The large table was liberally supplied with all the apparatus and instruments of torture; and on the other side of it sat the three examiners, as dreadful and <vg113-1.jpg> formidable as the terrible three of Venice. At the upper end of the room was a chair of state for the Vice-Chancellor, whenever he deigned to personally superintend the torture; to the right and left of which accommodation was provided for other victims. On the right hand of the room was a small open <vg113-2.jpg> gallery of two seats (like those seen in infant schools); and here, from 10 in the morning till 4 in the afternoon, with only the interval of a quarter of an hour for luncheon, Mr. Verdant Green was compelled to sit and watch the proceedings, his perseverance being attested to by a certificate which he received as a reward for his meritorious conduct. If this ”sitting in the schools”* was established as an ~in terrorem~ form for the spectators, it undoubtedly generally had the desired effect; and what with the misery of sitting through a whole day on a hard bench with nothing to do, and the agony of seeing your fellow-creatures plucked, and having visions of the same prospective fate for yourself, the day on which the sitting takes place is

--- * This form has been abolished (1853) under the new regulations.

[114 ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN]

usually regarded as one of those which, ”if 'twere done, 'twere well it should be done quickly.”

As an appropriate sequel to this proceeding, Mr. Verdant Green attended the interesting ceremony of conferring degrees; where he discovered that the apparently insane promenade of the proctor gave rise to the name bestowed on (what Mr. Larkyns called) the equally insane custom of ”plucking.”* There too our hero saw the Vice-Chancellor in all his glory; and so agreeable were the proceedings, that altogether he had a great deal of Bliss.+

CHAPTER XII.

MR. VERDANT GREEN TERMINATES HIS EXISTENCE AS AN OXFORD FRESHMAN.

”BEFORE I go home,” said Mr. Verdant Green, as he expelled a volume of smoke from his lips, - for he had overcome his first weakness, and now ”took his weed” regularly, - ”before I go home, I must see what I owe in the <vg114.jpg> place; for my father said he did not like for me to run in debt, but wished me to settle my bills terminally.”

”What, you're afraid of having what we call bill-ious fever, I suppose, eh?” laughed Charles Larkyns. ”All exploded

--- * When the degrees are conferred, the name of each person is read out before he is presented to the Vice-Chancellor. The proctor then walks once up and down the room, so that any person who objects to the degree being granted may signify the same by pulling or ”plucking” the proctor's robes. This has been occasionally done by tradesmen in order to obtain payment of their ”little bills;” but such a proceeding is very rare, and the proctor's promenade is usually undisturbed.

+ The Rev. Philip Bliss, D.C.L., after holding the onerous post of Registrar of the University for many years, and discharging its duties in a way that called forth the unanimous thanks of the University, resigned office in 1853.

[AN OXFORD FRESHMAN 115]

ideas, my dear fellow. They do very well in their way, but they don't answer; don't pay, in fact; and the shopkeepers don't like it either. By the way, I can shew you a great curiosity; - the autograph of an Oxford tradesman, ~very rare~! I think of presenting it to the Ashmolean.” And Mr. Larkyns opened his writing-desk, and took therefrom an Oxford pastrycook's bill, on which appeared the magic word, ”Received.” <vg115.jpg>