Part 8 (1/2)

We are to be G.o.d-pleasers, not self-pleasers or people-pleasers. If we are approval addicts, we are probably also people-pleasers. We usually discover in our experience that if we don't please people, they don't approve of us; therefore, if we have an out-of-balance need for approval, we have no choice but to be people-pleasers.

Wanting to be pleasing and be acceptable is a natural trait. We might even say it is G.o.dly. G.o.d wants us to be good to people and strive to accommodate them. Scripture teaches us to make it a practice to please our neighbor: Let each one of us make it a practice to please (make happy) his neighbor for his good and for his true welfare, to edify him [to strengthen him and build him up spiritually].

For Christ did not please Himself [gave no thought to His own interests]. (Romans 15:2-3) The apostle Paul said in Galatians that he did not seek popularity with man, yet in 1 Corinthians he stated that he tried to please people and accommodate himself to their opinions and desires in order that they might be saved: Now am I trying to win the favor of men, or of G.o.d? Do I seek to please men? If I were still seeking popularity with men, I should not be a bond servant of Christ (the Messiah). (Galatians 1:10) Just as I myself strive to please [to accommodate myself to the opinions, desires, and interests of others, adapting myself to] all men in everything I do, not aiming at or considering my own profit and advantage, but that of the many in order that they may be saved. (1 Corinthians 10:33) When we consider these two verses of Scripture, they almost seem to contradict one another, yet they don't if we understand the heart behind them.

Paul wanted to please people. He wanted to maintain good relations.h.i.+ps with people, especially for the purpose of leading them to accept Jesus as their Savior. He also wanted to please G.o.d and fulfill the call on his life. Paul knew how to maintain balance in this area. He tried to please people, as long as pleasing them did not cause him to displease the Lord. The Bible says in Acts 5:29, ”We must obey G.o.d rather than men.”

Pleasing people is good, but it is not good to become people-pleasers. I would define people-pleasers as those who try to please people even if they have to compromise their conscience to do so. People-pleasers are those who need approval so desperately that they allow themselves to be controlled, manipulated, and used by others. They are not led by the Holy Spirit, as Scripture instructs us to be (See Romans 8:14).

Pleasing people is good, but it is not good to become people-pleasers.

People-pleasers are fear-based individuals. They fear rejection, judgment, what people think and say, and especially anger or disapproval.

CHECK YOUR MOTIVES.

Our reason or motive for doing the things we do is very important. G.o.d wants us to have pure hearts. He wants us to do what we do because we believe He is leading us to do it or because it is the right thing to do. G.o.d wants us to be motivated by love. We should do what we do for the love of G.o.d and man. If we are motivated by fear, it does not please G.o.d.

We should regularly take some time and ask ourselves why we are doing the things we do. It is not what we do that impresses G.o.d; it is the ”why” behind what we do that He is concerned with.

G.o.d instructs us in His Word not to do good deeds to be seen of men. We are not to do things to be recognized and honored. When we pray, we are not to do it to be seen of men or to try and impress G.o.d by heaping up phrases and repeating them over and over. G.o.d is not impressed with the length and eloquence of our prayers. He is searching for sincerity and fervency. Any work of ours that is impure will be burned up on Judgment Day. We lose our reward for any work that is done with impure motives (See Matthew 6:1-7 and 1 Corinthians 3:13-15).

If we do things for people, and our motives are impure, we are out of G.o.d's will. Not every work that appears to be good is good. A work is good only if it is done in the will of G.o.d. Two people can do the same ”good deed,” and yet G.o.d may not consider it good for both of them. One of the two may be in the will of G.o.d, and the other may be out of the will of G.o.d, depending on their motives for their actions.

I strive to do what I do with right motives. If I am asked to attend a function, and I really don't feel led by G.o.d to go, or if I know my schedule cannot accommodate it without it becoming stressful, I don't go! When people want to hear yes, and you tell them no, they never like it. But those who are truly your friends will give you the freedom to make your own decisions. They will respect the decisions you make. They will not pressure you or try to make you feel guilty for not pleasing them. Your true friends are not those who are merely using you for their own benefit or those who always become angry when you don't do what they want you to do.

It is our responsibility to stand up to people who try to control us. If we don't, we are just as guilty as they are. If people try to control us, they are acting against G.o.d's will, but if we do not confront them, we are also acting against G.o.d's will.

It is our responsibility to stand up to people who try to control us.

We must not blame others if we are fearful and timid. It is offensive to G.o.d when we fear people more than we fear Him. We should not fear G.o.d in a wrong way, but we should have a respectful fear of Him, knowing that He means what He says. Since G.o.d has told us in His Word that we are not to be people-pleasers, we should take that commandment seriously and not allow an out of balance people-pleasing att.i.tude in our lives.

Live to please G.o.d, and you will never be an approval addict.

What you think of yourself is more important than what others think of you. You cannot feel good about yourself if you know what you are doing does not have G.o.d's approval on it. It is not good if you say yes and yet disrespect yourself because you cannot say no.

According to Romans 8:14, all who are led by the Spirit of G.o.d are the sons of G.o.d. Mature Christians are led by G.o.d's Spirit, not by other people. They have learned to trust their own heart. They follow peace, not people (See Hebrews 12:14 KJV).

GO WITH G.o.d.

The Bible teaches us in John 12:42-43 that many of the leading men believed in Jesus but would not confess it for fear that if they did, they would be expelled from the synagogue. ”They loved the approval and the praise and the glory that come from men [instead of and] more than the glory that comes from G.o.d” (v. 43).

In this example we see that some people were hindered from a relations.h.i.+p with Jesus because they were addicted to approval. Although they wanted a relations.h.i.+p with the Lord, they loved the approval of man more. That is sad, but it happens all the time.

I know a woman who had deep emotional problems. She attended a Bible study group where she received the infilling of the Holy Spirit. She was overwhelmed with joy. G.o.d had touched her, and she knew it. When she told her brothers and sisters, they told her she was crazy. They told her she needed to be careful of ”emotional experiences.” They told her that what she had experienced could have been from the devil and not from G.o.d at all. They frightened her, and because she was afraid of what people would think of her, she did not pursue her newfound relations.h.i.+p with the Lord. The woman was a Christian and attended church, so she simply kept quiet and continued following the prescribed guidelines of her particular religious denomination, which did not support such ”experiences” with G.o.d. She also went back to being depressed and neurotic. G.o.d tried to help her, but she loved the approval of people more than His approval.

I am not advocating seeking spiritual experiences, but if G.o.d visits us, and we do experience Him, it is not to be denied. I would imagine that the apostle Paul had quite an experience on the Damascus road as Jesus spoke to him, and His power knocked Paul to the ground (See Acts 9:120). I have found that people have a tendency to rule out anything they have not personally experienced. The Bible teaches us that there will be people who hold a form of religion but are strangers to the power of it (See 2 Timothy 3:5). I have found that the doctrines of man can steal the power of G.o.d.

Follow G.o.d, not people!

Follow G.o.d, not people! The people mentioned in John 12 knew that Jesus was real. They believed in Him, but the love of approval would not permit them to have a true relations.h.i.+p with Him. I wonder how their lives turned out. What did they miss because they said yes to people and no to G.o.d? I wonder how many of them were never mentioned in the Bible again. I wonder if they faded into oblivion and never fulfilled their destiny because they loved the approval of men more than the approval of G.o.d. How many of them spent their lives disrespecting themselves because they were people-pleasers?

Not everyone is going to like us. I recently read somewhere that statistically 2 percent of the population won't like us, and there is nothing we can do about it but accept it and go on about our business. If we live our lives worrying about what other people think, we will never take risks or stretch ourselves into new realms. We will give up our dreams.

Satan is a dream thief, and he works through people who are selfish enough to steal our dreams in order to have theirs. The people close to you may not understand or agree with how you want to live your life. If you care too much, one day you will wake up and realize you have never really lived at all, you have just been manipulated and used by people who didn't really care about you after all.

Everyone is ent.i.tled to his opinion, and the information and feedback we receive from others can be valuable. We must not automatically reject what others think, but we must not let it control us either. We must remember that what people say is just their opinion, not necessarily fact. What they think may be right for them and wrong for us.

You are an individual, with individual rights. Don't let anyone steal from you what Jesus died to give youa”which is the freedom to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit for you as an individual.

DUTY OR DESIRE.

In the life of people-pleasers, the driving force is duty, not desire. They do many things out of a feeling of obligation. They have trouble saying no when asked to do something. If we do something good, but we do it with resentment, feeling used and pressured, we have no joy and no reward.

Remember, unless we do what we do for right reasons, we lose our reward. We do have biblical duties. For example, Scripture tells us it is our duty to care for our families (See 1 Timothy 5:8). If we have elderly parents or grandparents, it is our duty to provide for them. It is a duty we must perform whether we feel like it or not. You may have dependent elderly parents who never really took proper care of you. They may have even abused you. Is it really your duty to take care of them now? Yes, it is. If you cannot do it for them, do it for G.o.d, and do it with a good att.i.tude. It is your duty.

We do have biblical duties, but on the other hand we should not allow the ”shoulds” and ”oughts” of life to control us. There is a big difference in doing our duty before G.o.d and being duty bound to people.

For example, don't go in debt every Christmas just because you feel you should buy gifts for relatives you don't even like. Are you buying gifts for people because you are afraid of what they may think if you don't? Or are you buying them because of your need to have them appreciate you? You may even buy gifts for people so they will give you one back. If so, your motives are wrong. It is not G.o.d's will that you go in debt to buy gifts. Be bold enough to tell the truth.

YOU HAVE LEGITIMATE NEEDS YOURSELF.

People-pleasers quickly and regularly set aside their own legitimate needs. Denying them eventually builds into an explosive situation. Constantly trying to please others is draining, which is why many people-pleasers feel anxious, worried, unhappy, and tired much of the time. They resent the fact that other people don't do much for them, but they often deny the fact that they have legitimate needs.

People-pleasers may think if they ask for help, they may make others feel obligated. Although they do most of what they do out of a sense of obligation, they don't want others to feel that way toward them. They believe people would not want to do anything for them anyway. Most people-pleasers feel that way because they have a poor selfimage. They don't value themselves, so they think n.o.body else values them either.

It is likely most people-pleasers were raised in homes in which their needs and feelings were not valued, respected, or considered important. As children, they were expected to respond to or take care of other people's needs. The focus of most people-pleasers is primarily toward others and away from themselves. Sometimes they don't even know what they feel or think or even what they want for themselves. They have become so good at denying their own needs, they don't even ask themselves if they have any.

People-pleasers quickly and regularly set aside their own legitimate needs.

Someone I'll call Patty was raised in a dysfunctional home. Patty's father was an alcoholic and verbally abusive. As a result, she learned to totally disregard her needs and to spend her time taking care of others. She developed a martyr complex. She did things for people, but resented doing it. Patty felt taken advantage of, but would not accept anything for herself even when it was offered. She did not feel she was worth anything, so she would not receive anything.

Patty lived with tremendous stress, most of which she placed on herself because of the way she had been raised. She was diagnosed with severe arthritis, which was causing her tremendous pain. Her emotional and physical pain joined together was more than she could handle. She became very depressed.

Patty began going to a counselor who asked her what she wanted out of life. She could not tell him because she had never even thought about what she wanted. She had to do a lot of soul searching and learn that having needs and desires was not wrong. She had been so accustomed to not getting anything she wanted in life that she simply did not bother wanting anything at all. She was afraid to desire anything because she felt she had no right to do so. She felt worthless and devalued.

We all have needs, especially emotional needs.

It was very refres.h.i.+ng to watch Patty begin to learn that it was acceptable to have legitimate needs and to expect people to meet them. She began to have hopes and dreams for her life, and it gave her something to look forward to. She is well on the road to release from her people-pleasing addiction.

We all have needs, especially emotional needs. Denying them eventually builds into explosive situations. What do we need emotionally? We need love, encouragement, and companions.h.i.+pa”someone to connect to and confide in. We need acceptance, approval, and enjoyment.

G.o.d WANTS YOU TO ENJOY YOURSELF.

When I was growing up, I did not enjoy myself. I was never really allowed to act like a child. I can remember getting into trouble and being corrected for playing. Our house was not enjoyable. It was filled with fear.

As an adult Christian, I began to realize I felt guilty if I attempted to enjoy myself. I felt safe if I was working, but enjoyment was something I denied myself. I did not feel it was a legitimate need for me. I resented other people who were not working as long and hard as I was. My husband really enjoyed his life, and it made me angry. I felt that he could accomplish so much more in life if he would just be more serious.

I realize now that I was not angry because Dave enjoyed his life; I was angry because I did not enjoy mine. But I was the only one who could do anything about it. It was foolish of me to resent Dave and other people, because the enjoyment they had in life was also available to me for the taking.