Part 7 (1/2)

”BUT I FEEL GUILTY”

Establish this as a time for a new beginning. Decide to believe the G.o.d of the Bible, not the G.o.d of your feelings. Feelings try to be G.o.d in our life. They want control. Feelings have been called the believer's number one enemy.3 Satan works through them to deceive Christians.

The more you renew your mind by studying G.o.d's Word, the more your feelings will change. G.o.d says that His people are destroyed for a lack of knowledge (See Hosea 4:6).

There is a man I'll call Jake. Jake's father was an angry man. He was an alcoholic and frequently violent when he was drunk. His mother was extremely timid and very fearful of his father. She cowered under whatever he said. Jake's father made him feel guilty all the time. He was like a travel agent for guilt trips. Although Jake sought approval from his father, he could never seem to please him, no matter how hard he tried. Jake spent his teenage and young adult years trying to please people. He had a root of rejection in his life that caused him never to feel he was accepted. He felt lonely and misunderstood. He lived with a vague sense of guilt.

After Jake received Jesus as His Savior at the age of thirty-two and began reading G.o.d's Word, he realized that his guilt feelings were a problem. He actually could not remember a time when he did not feel guilty about something. Much of the time he didn't even know anything in particular that he had done wrong; he just felt guilty and condemned.

Jake had no ability to enjoy life. He was a workaholic who hoped to find acceptance and approval through his accomplishments. If he ever did have moments when he felt good about himself, they were immediately following some grand accomplishment for which he was receiving admiration and applause.

Jake also had a false sense of responsibility. When anything went wrong anywhere, he felt it was his responsibility to fix it. Even if it did not directly concern him, he felt he should do something about it. Jake was becoming increasingly depressed by the time he started seeing what his problems actually were. He was angry about the way his life had turned out. He had bitter feelings toward his father and blamed his mother for not rescuing him.

Our minds may be like some computers that can have a lifetime of wrong information stored in them.

Even after Jake saw the truth in G.o.d's Word, he still had all the same feelings. He could read in the Bible that Jesus had delivered him from sin and guilt, but that didn't initially change his feelings.

Our minds may be like some computers that can have a lifetime of wrong information stored in them. It will take time to clean out all the old files and reprogram new information. The Bible says that our minds must be completely renewed (See Romans 12:2). We are like a person who decides she wants to become a lawyer. She realizes at the beginning that it is going to require an investment of many years to learn what she will need to know.

Jake began studying G.o.d's Word, and little by little his mind was renewed and he learned to think differently.

His fresh new thoughts gradually began to control his old feelings. The feelings did not disappear entirely for quite some time, but he was able to control them. He finally realized that his feelings were reactions to his past life. He began learning to act on G.o.d's Word, not react to old memories.

Jake learned the importance of his own self-talk. How we talk to and about ourselves, whether silently or out loud, is vitally important. Get into agreement with G.o.d. Say what He says about you. If G.o.d says you are forgiven and your guilt has been removed, then you should say the same thing. Don't say how you feela”say what you know!

Jake no longer feels guilty all the time. Once in awhile he still has ”a guilt attack,” but he can reason with himself and not let his feelings control him. He no longer derives his sense of worth and value from his work. He enjoys his work, but he is able to separate it from who he is as a child of G.o.d. He is not addicted to approval. He desires it, but he knows that as long as G.o.d approves of him, he already has all he really needs to be successful in life.

Jake has been able to forgive his father. His father still drinks heavily and is still critical most of the time, but Jake no longer receives condemnation from him. He has finally realized that his father is the one with the problem, not him. He no longer feels responsible to keep his father happy. He now knows that his father's problem is inside him; it is not something that can be fixed by someone on the outside. Jake prays for his father and shows him whatever love he will receive. He hopes someday he will be able to lead his father into a personal relations.h.i.+p with Christ. He doesn't blame his mother any longer. He realizes she did the best she could in her condition. She has suffered greatly in her life, and Jake feels compa.s.sion for her.

Jake has met a woman and fallen in love with her. Interestingly enough, she has some of the same problems that G.o.d has helped Jake overcome. He will be able to help her find restoration through Christ just as he did.

Don't waste yourself on shame and guilt. Use what you have learned to help others. If you have gone through it, you can walk someone else through. What happened to Jake was only made possible through G.o.d's Word, Jesus' sacrifice, and the work of the Holy Spirit in his life. The same help is available to every person who will receive it. Whatever issues you may be facing in your own life right now, don't let your feelings control you. Compare them to G.o.d's Word, and exalt His Word above your feelings. Remember this: You can do what is right even if you feel wrong. Make right choices no matter how you feel, and you will soon be experiencing greater freedom than you have ever known. Making a right choice when you feel wrong equals starving an addiction. If you don't feed it, it will soon lose its strength and have no power over you.

If you have gone through it, you can walk someone else through.

Now that we have addressed addiction to shame and guilt, I want to look at another type of emotion we must conquer in our battle with acceptance.

Chapter 9.

Pressing Past Anger And Unforgiveness

Do you ever get angry? Of course you do; we all do. G.o.d never tells us not to feel anger. He says, ”Be ye angry, and sin not” (Ephesians 4:26 KJV). We may feel anger, and that is important, but it is how we process our anger that is most important. It might seem at first that anger has nothing to do with approval addictions, but when we look at the root of excessive anger issues, they almost always find their seed in earlier problems. Anger certainly can be just another facet of our struggle with acceptance. I have found that many people who become frequently angry have a root of insecurity in their life. Those who are easily offended and touchy are insecure. They must be treated good to feel good about themselves. In some ways they expect to be treated badly because down deep inside they feel bad about themselves. However, when they are it angers them because what they feared about themselves has been confirmed, at least in their minds.

The word anger is one letter removed from the word danger. G.o.d's Word tells us not to let the sun go down on our anger (See Ephesians 4:26 KJV). When we stay angry, we give the devil a foothold in our life (See v. 27). We open a door for him to work. Most of the ground gained by Satan in the Christian's life is gained through bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness. People who easily fly into a rage always make a bad landing. When our emotions are out of control, so is our life. Anger makes our mouth work faster than our mind. We end up saying and doing things we are sorry for later.

G.o.d promises His children a blessed and abundant life, if they obey His commandments. Staying angry and harboring unkind feelings toward others is disobedience. We must realize sustained anger is sin. If we don't look at it for what it is, we may be tempted to hang onto it. William Secker, a seventeenth-century pastor, said, ”He that would be angry and not sin, must be angry at nothing but sin.” Be angry at the sin of anger, and you won't be tempted to keep it.

In several of the books I have written I have included a chapter on anger. Although as a writer I strive to present fresh material, this is a subject that cannot be ignored. We must be quick to forgive. We must deal properly with the emotion of anger. If we do not, the consequences are devastating.

A wounded person cannot receive emotional healing while remaining angry. G.o.d commands us to forgive as freely as He has forgiven us (See Ephesians 4:32). In this life we must be willing to be very generous with forgiveness. It is one thing we usually need to give away, at least to some degree, every day.

”IT ISN'T FAIR”

When we have been mistreated, it seems totally unfair to just forgive those who have hurt us. We feel someone needs to pay for what has happened to us. When we hurt, we want to place blame. We want justice! We need to remember G.o.d is just (See Deuteronomy 32:4). His Word promises He will eventually make everything right that is wrong, if we will only trust Him (See Isaiah 61:7-8).

At three o'clock one morning I suddenly awoke and heard what sounded to me like an audible voice that said, ”If G.o.d is real, then G.o.d is just.” It was as if G.o.d wanted to remind me in a very strong way that I could always count on enjoying His justice in my life. This has been comforting to me. The Bible teaches us in Psalm 37 not to fret over evildoers, because they will be dealt with (See vv. 1-2). Verse 8 says, ”Cease from anger and forsake wrath; fret not yourselfa”it tends only to evildoing.”

When we stay angry, G.o.d will not work in our behalf.

If someone has mistreated us, and we remain angry, we are just as guilty as the one who abused us. G.o.d has instructed that individual not to mistreat people, but He has also instructed us not to stay angry. When we stay angry, G.o.d will not work in our behalf. G.o.d begins where we finish. We are commanded several times in G.o.d's Word to forgive those who abuse us or mistreat us, to pray for them and love them, and to wait for G.o.d's justice: Never return evil for evil or insult for insult (scolding, tongue-las.h.i.+ng, berating), but on the contrary blessing [praying for their welfare, happiness and protection, and truly pitying and loving them]; For know that to this you have been called, that you may yourselves inherit a blessing [from G.o.da”that you may obtain a blessing as heirs, bringing welfare and happiness and protection]. (1 Peter 3:9) But I say to you who are listening now to Me: [in order to heed, make it a practice to] love your enemies, treat well (do good to, act n.o.bly toward) those who detest you and pursue you with hatred, Invoke blessings upon and pray for the happiness of those who curse you, implore G.o.d's blessing (favor) upon those who abuse you [who revile, reproach, disparage, and high-handedly misuse you]. (Luke 6:27-28) These instructions are not easy to follow. Obviously it is impossible to do so unless we choose to press past our feelings. Yes, we must press. We must make an effort to forgive and to let go of anger. It almost seems unfair of G.o.d even to ask us to do such a thing. If you want to know the truth, I actually feel this is one of the most difficult things G.o.d asks of us. It is hard, but not impossible. The Lord never requires us to do anything without giving us the ability to do it. We may not want to forgive, but we are able to do so with G.o.d's help.

ARE YOU REALLY BEING MISTREATED?.

Insecure people often perceive they are being mistreated when in actuality that is not the case at all. I can remember feeling mistreated and angry when Dave did not agree with me about minor issues. His opinion, which he certainly was ent.i.tled to have, was merely different than mine but I was so insecure I felt rejected. As they say, ”I made mountains out of molehills.” I would turn a minor incident into a tragedy because I was so touchy. When I did not get my way, I felt mistreated and became angry. When I was corrected in even a minor way, I responded with anger and felt I was being treated unfairly.

My point is this: it is possible to believe you are being treated unfairly when that is not the case at all. The way I processed people's reactions to me was totally out of balance because of my past abuse. I could not correctly discern when I was genuinely being mistreated compared to when people were simply being honest with me about their own feelings.

The truth is I was very angry because I was very insecure.

SEEKING COMPENSATION.

People who have been hurt not only get angry, but often they also seek compensation for injustices done. There is a feeling that some payment is due them for their hurt. G.o.d clearly states that vengeance is His. He says He will repay our enemies and will compensate us; He actually promises a double blessing for our former trouble (See Romans 12:17-19 and Isaiah 61:7). I finally learned that if someone was truly mistreating me, I did not need to exact compensation. I could trust G.o.d to bring whatever justice was necessary, if any was necessary at all.

My father hurt me, and I was so angry that I spent years trying to collect what I thought was due me from people who had nothing to do with my hurt. For instance, G.o.d caused me to realize I was trying to collect a debt from my husband, Dave, that he did not owe. My father hurt me, and I didn't trust Dave. My father did not discipline me properly, so I was afraid to let Dave discipline our children. My father misused his authority in my life, so I was rebellious toward Dave's authority.

I know it sounds foolish, but we all have a tendency to do the same thing. We want someone to pay for our pain, and since we frequently cannot collect from the one who hurt us, we lash out at others. They are confused because they have no idea why we respond to them the way we do. G.o.d wants us to trust Him to pay us back. He has brought a wonderful reward into my life. He has given me favor and promoted me beyond anything I could ever have imagined, but first I had to ”let go and let G.o.d be G.o.d.”

Someone I'll call Janet had this problem. Janet's father did not show her love and affection. When she got married, she expected her husband, John, to pay her back. He, of course, was not required to pay her back for what she missed in her childhood. He did not understand her actions, but then neither did she. She was reacting out of old wounds that still needed to be healed.

Janet required an excessive amount of attention from John. She pressured him to be with her all the time. She was jealous of any friends he had. She never received approval from her father, so she became an approval addict. John had to try to make her feel good about herself at all times. If he failed to tell her she looked nice, or the dinner was great, she felt hurt and ignored and she lashed out in anger. John felt controlled and manipulated; although he loved Janet, he was beginning to feel overwhelmed and wondered if he had made a mistake in marrying her. He tried very hard to please her, but nothing ever seemed to be enough; therefore, he felt defeated most of the time.

Let go and let G.o.d be G.o.d.

John had been a happy, easygoing guy when he and Janet got married, but now he was feeling depressed, discouraged, and angry. He dreaded coming home from work at night and did not look forward to weekends. Janet and John needed help!

Sad to say, Janet refused to get help; she blamed everything on John, and ultimately they ended up divorced. This scenario is repeated frequently in our society these days. The divorce rate is higher than ever, and it is partly because people who have been hurt in their past try to make people in their present pay them back for something they had nothing to do with. Because of old wounds they perceive they are being treated wrong when in fact that is not the case at all. They have to learn, just as I had to learn, that if they ”feel” hurt it does not necessarily mean someone is really hurting them.

If the people involved in cases of this type are Christians, and they let G.o.d do so, He will heal them and bring justice into their lives. If they are not Christians, or if they are Christians but refuse to be obedient to G.o.d's instructions, either they will completely ruin their relations.h.i.+p, or at best they will limp along in an unhappy state while their situation gradually gets worse. They will probably begin to see the effects in their physical bodies, and a round of doctor visits will begin. They will end up taking medicine for headaches, body aches, depression, anxiety, sleep disorders, stomach problems, and a long list of other ailments. The medicine may give them some relief, but the root of their problem is stressa”stress that has been created by trying to collect compensation for past hurts instead of realizing that their job is to forgive those who hurt them and trust G.o.d to pay them back.