Part 6 (1/2)

So, since Christ suffered in the flesh for us, for you, arm yourselves with the same thought and purpose [patiently to suffer rather than fail to please G.o.d]. For whoever has suffered in the flesh [having the mind of Christ] is done with [intentional] sin [has stopped pleasing himself and the world, and pleases G.o.d]. (1 Peter 4:1) Realize (set your mind) and be fully aware that moving from being a victim to being a victor will not be a quick process. It will take time, but the investment will be worth it in the end. Remember, you can either go through the pain of deliverance that is temporary, or keep the pain of bondage that never ends unless it is confronted.

DO IT AFRAID.

Fear is involved in approval addiction: the fear of rejection, abandonment, being alone, and of what people will think or say about us. Fear is not from G.o.d: For G.o.d did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. (2 Timothy 1:7) Fear means to run away from something. G.o.d does not want us to run from things. He wants us to confront things, knowing that He has promised to be with us, never to leave us nor forsake us (See Hebrews 13:5).

There are times in life when we must do things afraid. In other words, we must do what we know we should do even though we feel fear. Fear is a spirit that produces feelings and creates physiological changes. Fear can make the heart beat faster and harder. It can cause sweating, shaking, irrational thinking, and other physical manifestations. The Bible never tells us that we are not to feel any of those things connected with fear; it simply tells us not to fear. When G.o.d said to people ”fear not,” He meant for them to keep going forward, taking steps of obedience to carry out His instructions to them. He was in essence telling them, ”This is not going to be easy, but don't run away from it.” Mark Twain said, ”Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.” In other words, there are too many people praying for mountains of difficulty to be removed when what they really need to be praying for is the courage to climb them. Courage is being the only one who knows you are afraid.

Running from hard things is one of our biggest problems. We try to avoid the pain and discomfort of fear. Fear has torment (See 1 John 4:18 KJV), and it is a painful thing. We must press past the pain and do what fear demands that we run from. As French author Michel de Montaigne once said, ”He who fears he shall suffer, already suffers what he fears.”

Approval addicts are afraid of the pain of rejection. They will spend their lives keeping other people happy and fixed while forfeiting their own joy unless they make a decision to break the cycle of addiction. They will have to ”do it afraid.” They will have to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit and their own heart rather than following the will and desires of other people.

When I became aware of this principle that I call ”Do it afraid,” it was life changing for me. I always wanted the feelings of fear to go away, but my desire was unrealistic.

Satan regularly uses fear to prevent us from making progress. He will not stop attacking us with feelings of fear, but we can ”fear not.” We can ”do it afraid.” The only way out is through!

The time came in my journey of healing for me to confront my father about the years of abuse I had endured at his hands. I was so afraid I felt as if I might actually faint or my legs might buckle underneath me, but I knew I had to be obedient to G.o.d's instruction to confront. n.o.body had ever confronted the abuse in our family. We had all just pretended that we were a normal, well-adjusted, loving family. n.o.body ever talked about it; we just hid from the truth, and it was destroying all of us.

We can ”do it afraid.” The only way out is through!

Feelings buried alive never die; they just eat away at our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health. They also have a devastating effect on the development of healthy relations.h.i.+ps. We may hide painful memories, but they are still somewhere doing their dirty work.

As I stood in front of my father and began trying to talk to him about what he had done to me in my childhood, the fear I felt was absolutely horrible. He began reacting in anger and denial. He even started blaming me. At the same time my mother was yelling, crying, and having a major anxiety attack.

I thank G.o.d that He gave me the strength to press on rather than run away and hide again. Many years have pa.s.sed since that day, but it opened the door for true healing. It was a process that involved many stages. The final stage was my father's salvation. He caused me a lot of pain in my life, but I had the joy of baptizing him after leading him into a personal relations.h.i.+p with Christ. If I had not ”done it afraid” when G.o.d instructed me to confront him, we would still be where we were then. We cannot make progress without confrontation.

I knew a man who was having major chest pains. He was afraid that if he went to the doctor he would find out he had heart trouble, so he ignored the pain, hoping it would go away. He died a short time later! The thing he feared came upon him.

G.o.d's Word tells us that we can have what we believe (See Mark 11:22-24), but we can also have what we fear.

THE PAIN OF LONELINESS.

The pain of rejection is connected to the pain of being lonely. Loneliness is one of the biggest problems in people's lives today. It is the root cause of many suicides as well as a great deal of personal agony.

Being with people does not guarantee we will not be lonely. We can be with people and still feel lonely because we feel we are misunderstood, that we are not making a connection with those around us. We may be inside a room with people, but we can still feel outside the group.

We must press past the pain of being lonely and feeling misunderstood. We must trust G.o.d for right relations.h.i.+ps and not make emotional decisions that only end up making our problem worse. The fear of being lonely can turn us into people-pleasers, and we can end up with no life of our own, bitter and feeling all used up by other people.

Being alone does not const.i.tute being lonely. If you know who you are in Christ, and you like yourself, you can enjoy being alone. I like to spend time with myself because I like myself. Some people have been critical of me for saying, ”I like myself.” They think I am full of pride. That is not the case at all. I don't like myself because I think I am wonderful. I like myself because Jesus loves me, and He is wonderful! I like myself because I made a decision to do so, not because I always feel likeable or lovable. As we discussed in chapter 5, I finally decided if Jesus loved me enough to die for me, the very least I could do was stop hating and rejecting myself.

It is not a lack of people that causes loneliness.

When I made this decision, I started enjoying my time alone. Prior to that decision, it seemed I felt lonely no matter how many people I was with. I think loneliness is a result of not liking ourselves more than it is of not having people around us.

Any of us who want to be with people can be. All we have to do is go find others who need help and help them.

Hurting people are everywhere. All of us can find someone to do something for, if we really want to. It is not a lack of people that causes loneliness; it is our fears about ourselves as well as our fear of disapproval and rejection.

We frequently spend more time trying to avoid rejection than we do trying to build good relations.h.i.+ps. We may be so afraid of being hurt that we keep all of our walls up in an effort to protect ourselves and avoid emotional pain.

Some people isolate themselves. They think they cannot get hurt if they don't get involved, but the result is that they are lonely. Many people are afraid to trust. They are afraid to be honest and vulnerable, afraid that people will judge and criticize them or tell their secrets if they share anything of a private or personal nature. All of these fears and concerns only add to the feelings of loneliness that many people experience. In fact, these fears are the root cause of loneliness.

As human beings, we have a deep need to be understood. When we don't receive it, we feel lonely. In listening to people share their hurt and pain, I find that the words ”I understand” have a very soothing effect. I have told my husband, ”Even if you don't have a clue about what I am talking about, just tell me you understand, and it will make me feel a lot better.” A man could not possibly understand PMS, but it is better for him if he appears to have understanding of his wife's plight. She needs to be understood. She does not want to feel alone in her pain and struggle.

As human beings, we have a deep need to be understood.

One day my husband came in from trying to play golf. He had not had a good experience because his leg was hurting and swollen. He was not too happy about it. His golf game is really important to him, so I said, ”I understand how you feel.” I offered him whatever help I could give physically, but my understanding seemed to help more than anything.

There have been times in the past when my att.i.tude has been, ”What's the big deal? It's only one round of golf. After all, you play all the time.” That att.i.tude has started arguments and driven a wedge between us. He wants me to understand his needs, and I want him to understand mine.

One of my favorite Scriptures in the Bible is Hebrews 4:15, which teaches that Jesus is a High Priest Who understands our weaknesses and infirmities because He has been tempted in every respect just as we have, yet He never sinned. Just knowing that Jesus understands makes me feel closer to Him. It helps me be vulnerable and trust Him. It helps me feel connected rather than lonely.

Press past your pain to victory. Be determined! Stop just wis.h.i.+ng things were different and do your part to make them different. There are two types of people in the world: those who wait for something to happen, and those who make something happen. We cannot do anything apart from G.o.d, but we can decide to cooperate with Him. We can face the truth. We can stop feeding our addictions and endure the pain of letting them die from lack of nourishment.

It is time for a change! Get excited about your future and realize that when you are going through something, the good news is ”you're going through,” and that means ultimately you will come out on the other side with a victory that cannot be taken away from you. Your experience will make you stronger and enable you to help others who are facing similar battles.

Now let's take a look at what it means to let go of any shame in our past that feeds our approval addiction.

Chapter 8.

Pressing Past Guilt And Shame

At the age of thirty-three, Christine Caine suddenly discovered she had been adopted. It was quite shocking to her because she had absolutely no inkling of it. Nothing had ever been said in her family that would even remotely indicate she had been adopted.

When she received paperwork from the government regarding the adoption, she found some terminology that wounded her emotionally. She found that she had been ”unnamed.” A letter actually said she was ”unwanted.” Her birth mother did not want her and did not name her. At the same time, she was trying to minister to youth, and the university where she applied for further study said she was ”unqualified.”

Many people who suddenly discovered that they were adopted, unnamed, unwanted, and unqualified for a position they desired would have been devastated and felt guilt and shame, but not Christine. She had been taught G.o.d's Word and knew who she was in Christ. She said, ”Before G.o.d formed me in my mother's womb (whose ever womb that was) He knew me and approved of me as His chosen instrument” (See Jeremiah 1:5). She made a decision to press past her feelings and live in what she knew to be the truth based on G.o.d's Word. She has gone on to become a popular evangelist with a growing worldwide ministry.

Christine could have made another decision. She could have decided to go with the flow of her feelings, which would have pulled her down. She could have felt all the things those words described: unwanted, unqualified, unloved! She could have felt ashamed that her birth mother actually said she did not want her. She could have spent her entire life addicted to approval and living to please people simply because her birth mother had rejected her. She could have felt guilty, as most people do who don't receive affirmation from the people who are supposed to love them. Thank G.o.d she decided to press past all the negative feelings and believe G.o.d's promises. In the Bible, the psalmist says, ”Although my father and my mother have forsaken me, yet the Lord will take me up [adopt me as His child]” (Psalm 27:10).

It is easy to sit in church and say amen when a teacher or preacher shares that we should remain confident in all situations. It is another thing entirely to apply the message when we have a need in our own life. It is easy to agree with the message if we have no feelings that are pus.h.i.+ng us to do the wrong thing. To apply G.o.d's Word, we must go beyond our feelings and take action based on the truth of His Word.

Merely knowing what to do does no good if we don't do it!

Christine had spent years in church. She knew a great deal of the Bible and was teaching it to others. She made a decision to apply it to her situation. Once when I was having a serious problem I asked G.o.d what I should do, and He told me to do whatever I would tell someone else who came to me for help and had the same problem I now had. Merely knowing what to do does no good if we don't do it!

Christine acted on the Word of G.o.d and was rescued from what could have been devastating news. Her adopted parents had not been truthful with her. She made a decision to be understanding, believe the best, and not resent them for not telling her she was adopted. She found her birth mother and discovered that she lived in her neighborhood only a few blocks from where Christine had lived most of her life. She tried to make contact with her and was told her birth mother wanted absolutely nothing to do with her. This was a major testing time in Christine's life. All she had learned was being put to the test, and she found that G.o.d was faithful.

Christine received strength from the Holy Spirit and was able to remain confident. She knew she had worth and value because G.o.d loved her. Perhaps she had been unnamed by her mother, but G.o.d says in His Word, ”Fear not, for I have redeemed you [ransomed you by paying a price instead of leaving you captives]; I have called you by your name; you are Mine” (Isaiah 43:1, italics mine).

People are much more impressed by our actions than by our words.

G.o.d had a plan for Christine. She was not a mistake; she had been chosen by Him. His anointing qualified her for whatever He called her to do. Because she believed G.o.d's Word, the devil was defeated in his plan of destruction.