Part 4 (1/2)
”That's right, sir sir,” said Officer Kramitz, who was hoping that Arthur would become disorderly so he could restrain him.
”What're you gonna do about this?” demanded Arthur, pointing at Matt. ”Guy comes in here with a f.u.c.king gun! Trying to kill us!”
”Arthur,” said Anna, ”it's a squirt gun.”
Arthur looked at the gun in Officer Kramitz's hand. Officer Kramitz pulled the trigger, sending a stream of water onto the floor. Roger trotted over to lick it.
”Good thing you ran away, Arthur,” said Jenny. ”You might have got squirted.”
Officer Kramitz snorted. Arthur whirled to face Jenny and said, ”Shut up, you little b.i.t.c.h.”
There was a moment of silence while everybody in the room, except for Arthur and Roger, reflected on what an a.s.shole Arthur was.
”OK,” said Monica, ”let's all just settle down and ... ”
”MY TV!” said Arthur. ”HE BROKE MY f.u.c.kING TV!”
Everybody looked at the TV, now a mute black box with a gaping hole and gla.s.s littering the floor in front of it.
”I didn't do that,” said Matt.
”YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THAT AND YOU'RE GONNA GO TO JAIL YOU LITTLE f.u.c.k,” said Arthur.
”I didn't do it,” said Matt. ”It's a squirt gun”
”He's more upset about the TV than about us,” said Jenny.
”I TOLD YOU TO SHUT THE f.u.c.k UP,” said Arthur.
”Sir,” said Monica, who was wondering how come she always got these domestic disputes instead of nice, simple homicides, ”I'm asking you to please calm down so we can ... ”
”THIS IS MY f.u.c.kING HOUSE,” said Arthur.
”Yes, sir,” said Monica. ”And these right here are my handcuffs, and if you don't calm down, you are gonna be wearing them.”
”That's right, sir,” said Officer Kramitz, wis.h.i.+ng he had thought of the handcuff line first.
”OK,” said Monica, ”I wanna hear, from the beginning, one at a time, what happened, starting with Mr. Killer over here.” She nodded to Matt.
”Well,” Matt said, ”me and Andrew were outside with the squirt gun, and ... ”
”Who's Andrew?” asked Monica.
Matt, realizing he was in danger of committing the mortal schoolboy sin of ratting on a friend, said, ”n.o.body.”
”Andrew is n.o.body?” said Monica. ”You were out there with a squirt gun and an imaginary friend?”
”Yes,” said Matt. ”I mean, no.”
Monica started to rub her temple, then realized she still had her gun in her hand. She bolstered it and said, ”OK, so you and n.o.body are outside. Then what?”
”OK,” said Matt, ”so Jenny's mom opened the door, and I came running up to squirt Jenny, and ... ”
A buzzer sounded.
”That's the front door,” said Anna.
”Officer Kramitz,” said Monica, ”could you please go see who it is?”
Officer Kramitz, giving Arthur a look, left the family room.
”So,” said Monica to Matt, ”you ran up for a squirt, and ... ”
”And Mrs. Herk jumped me, and I went down on Jenny,” said Matt. ”I mean, fell fell down on Jenny.” Matt and Jenny both turned red. down on Jenny.” Matt and Jenny both turned red.
”I'm sorry,” said Anna. ”I thought you were ... I didn't realize. Are you OK?”
”Yeah, it's just a b.l.o.o.d.y nose,” said Matt. ”Do you work out or something?”
Anna said, ”I'll get you a washcloth.”
Jenny said, ”I'll get it.” The truth was, she thought Matt was cute.
”You're not getting him s.h.i.+t s.h.i.+t,” said Arthur. ”He broke into this house, and he broke my f.u.c.king TV, and I'm suing and I'm pressing charges.”
Officer Kramitz reentered the room and said, ”This guy says his son is here.”
Behind him, wearing gym shorts and a Miami Fusion T-s.h.i.+rt and looking very anxious as he brushed Roger away from his groin, was Eliot Arnold. Eliot went straight to Matt.
”Matt,” he said, ”you OK?”
”Yeah,” said Matt. ”It's just a b.l.o.o.d.y nose. I'm sorry, Dad. I never thought, I mean ... I'm really sorry.”
”This is your son?” asked Monica.
”Yes,” said Eliot. ”I'm Eliot Arnold. I got a call from Andrew, Matt's friend, he said there was trouble here, so I took a cab.”
”Ah,” said Monica. ”The imaginary friend.”
”What?” said Eliot.
”Never mind,” said Monica.
Arthur Herk walked over to Eliot and, standing too close, said, ”You got a lawyer?” ”What?” said Eliot.
”You better have a good f.u.c.king lawyer,” Arthur told Eliot. ”Your son broke my TV. It was a Sony, thirty-nine inches diagonal.”
”Thirty-five inches,” said Jenny, returning with a washcloth.