69 Darkness 4 (1/2)

\”Everyday you tried your hardest to get by but you felt so helpless and lost.\” The voice hissed. It mocked Mao Lu, seeming to find enjoyment in his misery.

\”Now descend into the darkness. Find yourself being unable to get rid of your rage, let it-\”

\”Are you done now?\” Mao Lu interrupted.

\”Huh.\” the voice was startled.

\”I asked if you were done ranting already.\” Mao Lu replied back calmly. He breathed in slowly through his nose and exhaled.

\”Y-y-you're not turning mad.\” The voice was confused.

\”For a second there I thought I'd lose myself to all that negativity, but then my emotions just settled.\” A strange sense of calm was now emanating from Mao Lu, his aura had become similar to a cool breeze in a hot desert..

He'd been so angry and upset just a moment ago but now he felt serene and still.

\” H-how are you so calm?\” the voice asked, It's voice filled with disbelief and confusion.

\”I think the reason I've calmed down, is because I realised, or rather I understood that you're right.

You're right, everyday I did feel helpless and lost. I was bitter and jealous, but this information isn't anything new to me. I know my own faults a lot more than you do. I know my main problems.

I bear with things too much. I give people too much leeway. I contain my anger when I shouldn't.

I'm not a perfect person, just like everyone else I get mad, I lie, I get upset, I feel pathetic, and I feel useless. And I admit that there was a time in my life where I had absolutely no idea where I was heading. I felt so empty and bitter, and I cried at the injustice of everything. I hated the people around me but the person I hated the most was myself. However, one day I opened my eyes and I realised that this is just life, this is what life is about.

Unfair things happen and it doesn't go the way you plan it to go. It's not just me but everyone has their ups and downs, even the most fortunate people in the world are suffering in their own ways. No one is different.

A lot of bad things happened to me but worse things are happening to others. I need to be grateful for the life I have now.

I realised that by living with all that anger I was making my life more miserable. I should live my life the best way I can and no matter what life throws at me I should get through it. I'll survive. I'll get back up again.

I accepted the dark feelings in my heart a long time ago.\”

A stillness descended around Mao Lu. The scene around him; Old Lady Chen, Jiang Chen and the people in the courthouse were all frozen.

Nothing stirred other than Mao Lu's shadow, which twisted, writhed and bubbled up like a balloon.

A moment later a figure stepped out of it. They stood in front of Mao Lu.

\”You are saying you accept all of this? So you won't be overwhelmed by me or succumb to me?\” he asked.

Mao Lu smiled slightly, \”Yes, I've already accepted you. I may not have wanted to remember you, but now that I have I accept you.\”

Mao Lu sighed as he gazed at this strange version of himself. \”I admit that

I wanted to forget that people hated me at school, that despite all my studying all I ever got was beatings from my Father and the jealousy of my peers. I wanted to forget that I was so petty and jealous of Fei Bing Bing that I bullied her and vandalised her things and still pretended to be her friend. I wanted to forget that I secretly despised my Mother for always watching when my Dad got angry with me.

I wanted to forget all of it, but that isn't right. These negative emotions made me who I am today. You made me who I am. Ignoring you is ignoring all the progress that I have made.

I survived all these events once I can survive and grow from them again.

When I finish this trail I'll find Fei Bing Bing and I'll apologise to her and admit my past deeds. I'll go to my Father's prison and visit him for the first time after all these years. I will face my darkness, I will accept my faults. I will grow and improve from them.

Don't you ever think that I will succumb to you, or fall into weakness.

I am better than that.\”

Mao Lu's shadow laughed and whistled, \”You have a steadier mind and a stronger will than I thought you did. You're someone that can admit their wrongs... What made you like this, what changed your heart and made you strong?\” the shadow was curious.

Mao Lu sighed \”I was bitter. Like I said before, I used to hate the people around me and myself. For a very long time I saw my life as worthless, and I only pretended to be happy, I only pretended to be coping. One day these feelings led to suicidal thoughts and I decided I didn't want to live anymore. I was tired of all the hate and frustration my heart, I was tired of pretending, I was tired of running.

So in order to die, two years I made the decision to confront the Gangsters who had been chasing me because of my Father's debt. I let them find me.\”

The scenery around Mao Lu changed into a new memory, this time he was sitting in a cage. He was squeezed and huddled next to many other people, a few of them being small children.

His hands and feet were bound by plastic rings.

Through the cage there was an operating room in the middle of an empty warehouse.

Classical music played through a radio.

People in jumpsuits and overalls were walking around carrying boxes and rapidly putting them into trucks.

In the middle of all this were surgeons, dressed in blue with white masks covering their faces. People were strapped to tables in front of them, and these so called surgeons were slicing them apart like wolves.

Taking off their skin, taking their blood, their eyes, their kidneys, their livers and hearts and all kinds of organs. Which they neatly packaged into boxes.

Boxes that were taken by others and placed in those trucks, and driven to unknown destinations.

Amidst the classical music, blood curdling screams could be heard before they descended into the silence of death.

Everyone in the cages shuddered as they watched what would soon happen to them.

A little girl held onto Mao Lu's hand and silently whimpered.

Each time they finished with a body they grabbed another person from the cages.

\”The Gangsters found me, and they knew they wouldn't get any money from me, so they sold me to organ traffickers. I expected them to do this, and initially I was happy that I was going to die \” Mao Lu said as he watched this memory.

\”Yet the moment I was thrown into this cage I wanted to leave, I regretted my actions. I realised how self-centered and stupid I'd been.

'How could I not value my own life, why did I do this?' were the questions that ran through my head. All the people here were victims brought to this place against their will, what right did I have to willingly come here.

As I stared at the people dying around me I realised that I didn't want to die, that I wanted to live. I realised I'd lived my life wrongly, I should have been emotional when I had the chance. I should have expressed myself. I shouldn't have wallowed in my negative feelings of depression.\”

The little girl holding onto Mao Lu's hand was pulled out of the cage. She squealed and cried. Mao Lu winced as he watched her being forced on that bloody table.

\”I prayed that if I made it out alive, I would be better. That I wouldn't succumb to the bad feelings I had. That I would be stronger. I swore I would be stronger.\”