Volume I Part 5 (2/2)
”'I am told, Sir,' addressing Mr. Gwillim Ap-Gwillim, of Caper Ap-Shenkin, 'I am told, Sir,' said I, with proud tears in my eyes, 'that you at present entertain a paramour?'
”'Well, Madam,' rejoined he, 'perhaps' (oh, the abominable word) 'I do; and if so, it is surely not unusual or marvellous in an unmarried man.'
”'But then, Sir,' I replied, (somewhat enraged at his tawdry 'perhaps',) 'sure before we become man and wife, you will no doubt part with and discharge this said paramour?'
”'Perhaps,' he rejoined, 'perhaps, (the third time, observe,) Madam, I may.'
”'_Perhaps_, Sir,' I loudly re-echoed, my blood boiling, my breath parting, my tongue gasping, and enraged to the very utmost, 'Perhaps, Sir,' I said vehemently, 'know, my hand never shall be yours--never, never!' Then with a strong impulse of collected coolness, for very often what is the most opposite will occur, I distantly retired, with the utmost indifference I dropt a low court courtesy, and never beheld him more.”
The Duke proposed, previous to departing, to accompany his n.o.ble consort and family in a promenade on the pleasure grounds. Their Graces led the way; and while apart from the attending group, the Duke addressed the d.u.c.h.ess in a low voice--”I shall do every thing, depend upon it, that is within my power, to render my vicegerency popular; not from a love of popularity, but from the impulse of administering even and equal justice to all His Majesty's subjects, which is a debt I shall not fail to discharge, so far as the responsibility of my station admits, and my duty to the king allows. The salary which I may receive during my administration shall, to the uttermost farthing, be expended among the generous people, from whose purses I am to receive it; I shall a.s.sist the poor, and the great I will entertain. Thus when the termination of my government arrives, I trust that my departure from the viceregency shall not be mistaken for that of a collector of taxes, who retires _sub umbra_, having embezzled the public coffers, and who departs _ex-officio_, attended, justly I admit, with ”curses, not loud but deep!” Oh no, my dearest love, by no earthly possibility shall any one mistake me for a Jamaica planter, a bullock feeder, or a Jew broker!
Never; my private fortune shall be expended in addition to the princely income which I receive from the nation; and I am resolved that in every way it shall be my study, as it will be my pleasure, to prove indeed the true and appropriate representative of a n.o.ble and generous king!”
To this expressive burst of loyal and ardent feeling, the d.u.c.h.ess fully accorded her hearty a.s.sent. While the n.o.ble pair remained thus employed in discussing the high and grave affairs of state, the ladies Let.i.tia and Lucy, attended by Sir Patricius Placebo and Captain Heaviside, were employed in admiring the surrounding scenery.
”What a romantic delightful prospect here presents itself to the spectator,” observed Sir Patricius Placebo to Lady Let.i.tia, who stood next him.
”Oh yes,” replied her Ladys.h.i.+p, ”it is truly a n.o.ble tract of verdant valley and lofty mountain, scenery, sea, and river; the goats on the rock, the sheep on the hill, and the cows in the vale; indeed the Duke positively a.s.serts that the surrounding scene displays perhaps the most beautiful cow-dell (_coup d'oeil_) in the whole kingdom.”
The promenaders returned from their ramble, and were stationed on the terrace when the Duke's travelling coach and six drove up to the embattled porch of the castle. The Duke, addressing himself to Sir Patricius, pleasantly and playfully said: ”Sir knight we do hereby, by the powers in us vested, const.i.tute, nominate, and appoint, with all the briefness and celerity the occasion demands, you, Sir Patricius Placebo, M. D. Baronet, _eques non male notus_, our _loc.u.m tenens_, and Lord Constable of this our good castle of Tyrconnel during our absence herefrom; and thou, Sir Patricius Placebo, art bound, in due accordance with right, ancient, and laudable usage, to dispense all manner of ancient hospitality, as if we ourself were in person present; and within a few given days to escort our beloved partner and family to His Majesty's castle of Dublin; all which fail not to do, under the pain and penalty of our heavy displeasure.”
The Duke fondly and affectionately embracing his d.u.c.h.ess, his beloved Adelaide, and his sisters, and cordially shaking hands with his guests, entered his travelling carriage, which set off, the horses travelling in a brisk pace, for Dublin, to a.s.sume the chief government of the island.
The ladies followed the d.u.c.h.ess, who retired into the castle to regret even the temporary absence of her lord.
Meanwhile Sir Patricius proposed to Captain Heaviside an excursion on horseback, to pa.s.s away the time _jusque a diner_. After a short interval Sir Patricius having doffed his grave professional peruke; and having a.s.sumed his hunting wig, mounted his gallant steed, and set out with the Captain in a ramble through the country. While thus they were employed in exploring the surrounding scenery, Captain Heaviside, addressing Sir Patricius, said, ”Pray, my good Sir, did I ever repeat to you my _chronicle_?”
”Oh no, never, Captain, upon my veracity; but in sooth I should be quite delighted to hear it, so pray let us have it by all manner and means.”
”I call it,” continued Captain Heaviside, _my_ chronicle, but I must say, really and truly, that it was never written by me;--positively not mine, but written indeed by a particular friend.”
”Come, come, bold Captain, that is very well, and likewise most sagely and discreetly expressed; very good indeed--an excellent come off, _c.u.m grano salis_, hem! It is, however, to be sure, vastly convenient upon all such occasions to enlist a friend into the service who shall enact you the part of a poetical G.o.dfather, and act too as pioneer: a most meritorious gentleman truly, who is disposed with such magnanimous generosity to place all our written sins and verses upon his own muster-roll. Vastly, egad vastly convenient, I needs must observe, master Heaviside, hah, hah, hah, _sed, litera scripta manet!_ There is no getting over that, my gallant young Captain, by my halidam!”
”My good Sir Patricius accredit me, it was really written by my very excellent friend, Captain Drinkwater, a das.h.i.+ng dragoon.”
”I can then flatly tell you, Captain, that it will never do--I know it will never do; for as friend Horace sings,
'Nulla placere diu nec vivere carmina possunt Quae scribuntur aquae potoribus.'
I hate and detest your _aquae potoribus_, all your drink-waters, and your water-drinkers, they are beyond all compare the very worst description of enemies that our profession has to contend with: so no more of this; give me your drinkers of _aqua vitae_, and honest stout-hearted topers of genuine Drogheda usque-baugh; these are the generous souls whose quaffing I admire, and whose fees I dearly prize.
But come, my brave Captain, notwithstanding we must positively have your _chronicle_.”
”Well, Sir Patricius, since it must be so, here it is.
CAPTAIN HEAVISIDE'S CHRONICLE,
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