Part 45 (1/2)

CHAPTER x.x.xV

Aimer quelqu'un, c'est a la fois lui oter le droit, et lui donner la puissance de nous faire souffrir.

The following morning the Bishop and Michael were sitting in the library at Lostford Palace. The Bishop was reading a letter, while Michael watched him, sunk in an arm-chair.

Presently the Bishop thrust out his under lip, and gave back the letter to Michael.

”Wentworth has dipped his pen in gall instead of in his inkpot,” he said. ”For real quality and strength give me the venom of a virtuous person. The ordinary sinner can't compete with him. Evil doers are out of the running in this world as well as in the next. I often tell them so. That is why I took orders. What do you suppose Wentworth suspects when he says Alington has suggested a discreditable reason for your being in the di Collo Alto villa that night, and that he is not going to allow you to skulk behind a woman any longer? He will be here directly to extort what he is pleased to call 'the truth.' What are you going to say?”

”I don't know,” said Michael. ”That is the worst of me. I never know.”

The Bishop frowned and rubbed his chin.

”I see one thing,” continued Michael, ”and that is that it's all important that he should not break with Fay.”

”That will be his first step--if he knows the truth.”

”I am afraid it will, and yet--that's the pity of it, she will last longer than I shall, and he does like her--a little--which is a great deal for him. You don't believe it, but he really does. And he'll want her more than ever--when I'm gone.”

The Bishop looked keenly at his G.o.dson.

Michael had never before alluded to his precarious hold on life. It was obvious that he was only considering it now in its bearings on Wentworth's future.

”Can a man who has grown grey looking at himself in the gla.s.s, and recording his own microscopic experiences in a diary, can such a man _forgive_?” said the Bishop. ”Forgiveness is tough work. It needs knowledge of human nature. It needs humility. I forgave somebody once long ago. And it nearly was the death of me. I've never been the same man since.”

”Wentworth will have his chance,” said Michael. ”It's about all we can do for him.”

”We all know he says he can, but then he says such a lot of things. He dares to say he loves his fellow men. But I've never yet found that a.s.sertion coincide with any real _working_ regard for them. There are certain things which those who care for others never say, and that is one of them. The egoist on the contrary is always a.s.serting of himself what he ought in common decency to leave others to say of him,--only they never do. Wentworth actually told me not so long ago that he was intent on the service of others. I told him it was for those others to mention that interesting fact, and that n.o.body had lied about him to that extent so far in my diocese.”

”He always says that there is perfect confidence between us,” said Michael. ”I've heard him say so ever since I can remember, and I've heard him tell people that I always brought him my boyish troubles. But I never did, even as a boy, even when I got into a sc.r.a.pe at Eton. My tutor stood by me in that. Wentworth never could endure him. He said he was such a sn.o.b. But sn.o.b or not, he was a firm friend to me. And I never told him even at the first of my love for Fay. I somehow could not. You simply can't tell Wentworth things. But he has got it into his head that I always have, and that this is the first time I have kept anything from him. If I had only Fay's leave to tell him! It is the only thing to do.”

The door opened, and to the astonishment of both men, Fay and Magdalen came in. Fay looked as exhausted, as hopeless, as she had done three months ago when Magdalen had brought her to make her confession to the Bishop in this very room.

She evidently remembered it. She turned her l.u.s.treless eyes on him and said, ”Magdalen did not make me come this time. I have come myself. Do you think, is there any chance, Uncle John, that G.o.d will have mercy on me again, like He did before?”

”Do you mean by G.o.d having mercy, that Wentworth will still marry you if he knows the truth?”

She did not answer. That was of course what she meant.

She looked from one to the other of her three friends with a mute imploring gaze. Their eyes fell before hers.

”I have not slept all night,” she said to the Bishop. ”Magdalen stayed with me. And we came quite early because I had to come. Wentworth must be told. It isn't because Magdalen says so. She hasn't said so, though I know she felt he ought to be told from the first. And it isn't because he's sure to find out. And oh! Michael, it isn't for your sake, to put you right with him. It ought to be, but it isn't. But I can't let him kiss me any more, and not say. It makes a kind of pain I can't bear. It has been getting worse and worse ever since Michael came back, only I did not know what it was at first, and yesterday----” she stopped short, shuddering. ”He came to see me yesterday,” she said in a strangled voice. ”He was so dear and good, so wonderful. There never was anyone like him. It is in my heart that he will forgive me. And he trusts me entirely. I can't deceive him any more.”

The eyes of Michael and Magdalen met in a kind of shame. Those two who had loved her as no one else had loved her, who had understood her as no one else had understood her, saw that they had misjudged her. They had judged her by her actions, identified her with them. And all the time the little trembling ”pilgrim soul” in her was shrinking from the pain of those very actions, was growing imperceptibly apart from them, was beginning to regard them with horror, not because they had caused suffering to others, but because they had ended by inflicting anguish upon herself. The red-hot iron of our selfishness with which we brand others becomes in time hot at both ends. We don't know at first what it is that is hurting us, why it burns us. But our blistered hands, cling as they will, must needs drop it at last. Fay's cruel little white hand had let go.

Michael took it in his and kissed it.

”Wentworth is coming here this morning,” said the Bishop gently. ”He may arrive at any moment. Stay here and speak to him. And ask him to forgive you, Fay. You need his forgiveness.”

”I don't know how to tell him,” gasped Fay. ”I tried yesterday, and I couldn't.”