Part 21 (1/2)

The three of them grumbled and walked with scuffing feet to the first tent. I thought about my tent. Was there anything inside it I wouldn't want Ben to see? Why the h.e.l.l did I care?

That left Nez and me, and I knew before Rawe even said it that she was planning to f.u.c.k me royally.

”Nez, Wick, you two go gather some wood,” she said, looking right at me to let me know she knew she was f.u.c.king me royally.

”Can I trade with someone?” Nez asked. I saw her look over at Ben, who was taking down Eagan's tent. At least I didn't have to see Eagan fumbling and struggling with it again.

I knew she was saying it because of me and not because of the wood, which was fine-I felt the same way. I didn't have the energy to ask to switch partners, mostly because I knew it wouldn't make a difference anyway.

”No,” Rawe said, clenching her teeth. Nerone stood next to her and clenched his teeth, too, a united front of different-headed bookends.

Nez and I didn't move.

”That means today,” Nerone said. ”We're all waiting for breakfast.”

Nez huffed and started walking quickly toward the woods at the north of the camp.

”And get enough for a decent size fire,” Rawe called after her, like she wasn't satisfied with Nerone having the last word.

Nez was walking so fast I had to run to catch up to her. And I wanted to catch up to her. If I had to go look for wood while other things looked for us, there was no way I wanted to be alone.

It felt immediately cooler when I entered the woods, the shade from the trees coloring everything gray.

Nez stopped and turned to me. ”What, are you chasing me now?”

”I wouldn't have to if you weren't walking so fast,” I said, surprised that I was actually out of breath.

”I want to get this over with,” she said. ”The less time I have to spend alone with you, the better.”

”f.u.c.k off, Nez,” I said.

”Do you ever say anything else?” Nez asked, her lips puckered like my words were something she didn't like the taste of.

”I never want to say anything else,” I said, then added, ”to you.”

”Because you're jealous,” Nez said.

”Of what?” I laughed.

”Me,” she said. ”Ben and me.”

A breeze blew through, whipping her black, black hair in front of her face like shadows. The look of it made me s.h.i.+ver.

”You're delusional,” I said.

She shrugged. ”Ben says you're jealous and he's right.”

”You don't know s.h.i.+t and Ben knows even less,” I said, feeling hot needles start to poke at my hands, trying to force them into fists.

”I see the way you look at him,” Nez said, almost sang.

”I don't.” I paused. ”Look at him.”

She snorted. ”We always want what we can't have.”

A crow cawed and bounded from one tree to the next.

”You suck, Nez,” I said, starting to walk past her. I should have kept walking. I should have ignored her. I never did what I should do.

”I suck?” She laughed. ”At least I use your first name, Ca.s.sie. Do you use mine? Do you even know mine?”

”I never asked you to use my first name,” I said, spinning to look at her, not wanting to admit I actually didn't know hers.

”You call Ben by his first name. Ever think about that?” she asked.

”How do you know what I call him?” I asked, immediately feeling silly for it. It didn't matter. Nez could see right through me. Regardless of how much I said I hated Ben, how much I acted like I wanted him to leave me alone, she was right-I did use his first name.

”You don't even call Troyer Laura,” Nez said, her voice rising to meet the top of the trees.

”Neither do you,” I retorted.

”But I'm not her friend, am I?” Nez asked. Her face was calm, as still as the sky far, far above us.

”I wouldn't know,” I said, searching for something to say next. ”I don't know what you are, Nez,” I hissed. If it bothered her so much I was using her last name, I was going to use it so much it made her ears bleed.

”You think you're so tough,” she said, ”but I see you. You're scared, scared of everyone, scared of yourself.”

”You're the one who should be scared,” I said, even though her words. .h.i.t me right in my lower stomach, punched me there, like I usually did.

”Oh really?” she asked. ”I know things, Ca.s.sie. Things about you.”

”Don't,” I said, though I'm not sure why. I didn't have any idea what she was going to say, but for some reason I knew that once she said it, that would be it.

The last straw.

”I saw your file.” She smiled evilly. ”Troyer's, too. You know it has medical info in it, right?”

”You're a f.u.c.king liar,” I said, like I was responding to any annoying thing that came out of her mouth, but really I felt the woods around me start to spin like I was in the center of a merry-go-round. The trees were the horses, the leaf- and dried-pine-needle-covered ground the beach-ball-colored base. Could Nez be telling the truth? Could what I'd done that day at the clinic be in some ”file” that had been forwarded to Rawe? Did that mean other people knew? Ben? Or worse, my parents?

Was that why Ben was ignoring me?

My stomach felt like the hull of a s.h.i.+p riding wave after wave.

”Listen,” Nez said matter-of-factly, ”I'm not the one you should be angry with. You should be angry with yourself.”

I couldn't talk. The hot needles were back in my hands, my neck, my chest. Angry little p.r.i.c.ks, buzzing like bees.

Nez looked at me, waiting.

When I didn't move, she spoke again, the words seeping out. ”You should be disgusted with yourself.”