Part 20 (1/2)
After a ten-minute lunch and pee stop, Rawe started leading us in this weird march call. The silence had been better.
”How far will we go?” she yelled.
As far as we need to, we were supposed to answer. We did, but certainly not with the gusto she had.
”How far will we go?” she yelled again.
”As far as we need to,” we answered again, with about as little energy as I'd ever heard from people who were supposed to be shouting. Of course, Troyer wasn't saying anything, so I guess even my and Nez's sad attempts were better.
I knew Rawe was making us say this for more than the distance we were walking. I didn't need a psychology degree to understand that going deep into the woods was supposed to help us go deep into ourselves.
Lucky me.
I'd had enough going deep into myself via my a.s.sessment Diary and at the infirmary. I still felt like an empty husk from what had happened there. Writing and thinking about the things inside my head had turned me into a girl I didn't recognize: quiet, scared, ready to cry or scream at a moment's notice. I couldn't find the anger that I'd used to hold it all together anymore.
”Wick, tell us something you've never told anyone,” Rawe yelled from the front of the line.
”Why?” I complained.
”What's rule number three?” Rawe said, not even stopping to yell.
”I'm not fighting, I'm asking,” I said.
”Stop stalling,” Rawe said.
I was stalling. There was really only one thing I hadn't told anyone, and there was no way in h.e.l.l I was about to reveal it here.
”Wick, answer or we keep walking,” Rawe said.
My guess was we were going to keep walking anyway. It didn't look like the boys were stopping anytime soon. It made sense to keep us moving, make us tired-less chance we would sneak out of our tents at night. Not that I had the b.a.l.l.s now that we were out here to even unzip my tent.
”I've never kept anything from anyone,” I said, but I'd kept everything from everyone.
Even my brother didn't know the whole story. Even Aaron didn't. I knew that even I really didn't. I had kept myself from the pain, the real pain. I had to. That was what I had felt at the infirmary.
That was what had scared Ben away.
”Uh-huh,” Rawe said, turning her head to make sure I knew she was yelling at me. ”I'm waiting.”
”It's not my fault I got poison ivy,” I said. I knew she was still angry about that. Angry because she didn't have proof to punish me, but she wanted to. I guess this was how she was going to.
”Jeez,” Nez huffed. ”I'll tell you two things if it means we don't have to hike anymore and Ca.s.sie stops whining.”
”Wick!” Rawe stopped to yell. ”Don't you dare test me. This forest is five hundred miles across and we will hike every step of it until you speak.” She turned and started walking again.
She wasn't letting up. I had to say something, but it couldn't be the thing. It could never be the thing. Besides, I was afraid if I said the thing I would melt into a pile of mush again.
I turned to Troyer. Her forehead looked like it was going to pop out of her skull. Her way, I guess, of saying, f.u.c.king say it Ca.s.sie, I'm tired.
”Fine.” I sighed. I looked down at my feet, one boot moving in front of the other.
”Still waiting,” Rawe said.
”I never told anyone I got stood up on prom night,” I mumbled.
”Again,” Rawe said, ”I don't think your chin could hear you.”
Rawe wasn't going to make this easy. But why should she?
”I said-” I tried to speak more loudly, even though my throat was so dry the words felt like sand. ”I got stood up on prom night.”
”That's dumb,” Nez said.
”Well, it's true,” I retorted quickly. That was all I was sharing. Rawe could make us walk until my feet fell off. I was keeping my mouth shut.
”You're going to accept that?” Nez asked Rawe. She was probably hoping I would say something that she could use against me later-something even more embarra.s.sing than what I shared. What must Nez have been through to think it wasn't?
”And why didn't you tell anyone?” Rawe asked, still leading us down the trail and thankfully ignoring Nez. Maybe she was happy that for once I'd finally answered her.
”Because it was humiliating,” I said, thinking quickly. ”People who get stood up are losers.” I looked at the trail. At least the boys were too far ahead to hear me.
”Well, that's true.” Nez laughed.
”Shut up,” I said. ”No one cares what you think.”
”No fighting,” Rawe said.
”Hey, I'm agreeing,” Nez said. I could see her hold her hands up like someone was aiming a gun at her.
”Wick, is that what you are choosing? You can pick anything you've never told anyone,” Rawe said.
”That's what I pick,” I said. It was the safest. And if I wanted to get deep about it, which I didn't, that was how it all started, wasn't it?
”Okay,” Rawe said. ”Yell it.”
”What?” I asked.
Nez laughed.
”Yell I was stood up on prom night. It's the only way you can free yourself from it.”
”I don't need to free myself from it,” I said.
”Well, I say you do,” Rawe retorted.
”C'mon Ca.s.sie,” Nez said. ”Loud enough so Ben can hear.”
I lifted my hands up to push her but stopped myself. I turned around and glanced at Troyer instead. Her face was sad, but of course she didn't say anything.
”I was stood up on prom night,” I said.