Part 12 (1/2)

”We're ready,” Lila said. ”Let's go.”

”Not yet,” Brian said.

I looked at him and looked at Aaron and realized there was no third guy. This mythical third date did not exist. Not in my dream and in all probability, not in real life. It was only the two of them filling the doorway to Brian's house.

Brian pointed at me and then at Amy. ”One of you can't come,” he said.

AJ squawked, I told you, I told you, I told you, while Amy looked down at her shoes.

I kind of wanted to look down at my shoes, too, but instead I asked, ”What the f.u.c.k does that mean?”

”We should have listened,” Amy whispered into her chest. It was covered in glitter like tiny lights. So much possibility in those lights, about to be snuffed out.

”This isn't our fault,” I said.

Lila broke free from us and walked over the threshold, joining Brian and Aaron inside. She held Brian around the neck and kissed him-deep, long, making us all watch.

Then the three of them looked down at Amy and me. The doorway seemed to have turned into an elevator that had gone up five flights.

”What now?” I asked.

”Aaron gets to pick,” Brian said, wiping Lila's lip gloss from his mouth, as s.h.i.+ny as the glitter on Amy's chest. He looked at her. He looked at me. He looked at her. He looked at me.

”He shouldn't get to pick,” I said. ”He shouldn't get to do anything.” I could feel anger, feel my stomach burn hot, my hands turn to fists, my teeth start to clench.

”There are two of you and one of him.” Brian shrugged.

”Don't worry,” Amy whispered, ”he'll pick you.” I could see her starting to cry, her tears s.h.i.+ny, too.

”I don't want him to pick me!” I screamed. ”I don't want him to pick me!” I screamed again. I could feel myself scream it, the way in a dream it feels like you are trying so hard to be heard, but no one can hear you.

I woke up in the cabin, slick with sweat, before Aaron gave his decision, even though I already knew what it was. He had picked both of us and done as much as each of us would let him get away with.

What I let him get away with had been my choice, not his. Otherwise Amy would have had her own rumors circulated by Ruthie Jensen about being pregnant and wanting so badly to believe it was a rumor.

Wanting so badly to take back every kiss and touch and sigh.

”You were screaming in your sleep,” Nez said.

I sat up and watched her brush her black hair so that it shone like a wet rock. We hadn't showered in days and her hair still looked beautiful. Girls like her and Lila needed to be killed.

”Thanks, Nez,” I said. ”'Cause I don't have ears.”

”Well, you woke me up and not that I asked Troyer, but I'm going to guess you woke her up, too.”

I looked at Troyer. She shrugged. It was the most she could do to defend me against Nez.

”We had to wake up anyway,” I said, rubbing my face and trying to force out the stare of Aaron's blue, blue eyes. My stomach felt empty. As empty as Aaron's eyes. I put my hand into my sleeping bag and punched it over and over, until I could barely breathe, until Rawe came out and told us to get dressed.

Putting on my uniform, I stared at the welts that were starting to form, as red as the skin of a screaming newborn.

I could see it, just pulled out-so alive, so raw, so feral.

Maybe it was mine, maybe it was someone else's, but I knew it was crying for the mother I knew I could never be. Wanting anyone to hold it, to love it, to make the pain and fear that was flooding it now that it was out in the world go away.

Just like me-a lump of crying skin and bones, an open wound grasping at anything except the people around it who want to help.

16 f.u.c.king Days to Go M y body hurt so much it was hard to fall asleep. That day we dug a new pit toilet. When Nez complained about it, Rawe told her it was either that or we dug out what was in the current one. Well, that was only after Rawe had given us the choice of digging out a toilet or sitting in a circle with her and talking about our feelings. Digging a hole all the way to China that would eventually be filled with our s.h.i.+t was definitely a better deal.

The work was hard, backbreaking. Never before I came to this place could I use the term backbreaking to describe anything. Here, it was pretty much an everyday occurrence. The boys did not join us that day. Probably digging out their own new pit toilet. Or maybe Nerone was s.a.d.i.s.tic enough to make them dig out their current one.

I was dirty, sweaty, and I couldn't help thinking that like everything else I had been forced to do since I'd been here, that I deserved this. Actually I probably deserved worse. I deserved to attempt to dig through a sidewalk with a child's beach shovel.

I saw it, the one I would have bought for my little boy or girl-yellow, plastic, small enough to fit in the hands that had been inside me, that had touched parts of me I would never see.

Even in the dark, I stared at the ceiling of the cabin, trying desperately to doze off, trying to ignore the searing pain in my back and shoulders, the fresh coat of dirt that once had been the ground and now covered my body.

I must have eventually fallen asleep, because later that night I could feel someone watching me. I figured it was Nez, so I reached out into the darkness to smack her. But it wasn't Nez. My reaching hand hit a boy and boy parts.

A boy part.

I opened my eyes, ready to scream like I was getting paid for it, when Ben covered my mouth.

”What the h.e.l.l are you doing here?” I hissed through his fingers. He tasted like dirt. I suddenly wished a very big wish that the boys had spent their day like we had, digging a new pit toilet.

”Be quiet. You want to get us busted?” he whispered.

I jerked my head.

”Can I let go of your mouth now?” he asked.

I nodded, but angrily. I guess he could tell.

”You sure?” he teased.

”f.u.c.k yes,” I hissed.

”See?” he said, his hand still tight to my mouth. ”That's why I can't let go.”

”I will bite you,” I said, starting to growl.

”Promise,” he said, finally letting go.

I sat up and wiped my mouth. ”What the f.u.c.k?” I whisper-yelled. Of course, I didn't really have the right to, considering I had been standing above his bed, doing the same to him, minus the soft bondage, a day before.

”Come on, I want to show you something,” he said.

”If it involves taking off your uniform, I'm not interested,” I said.

”You haven't even bought me dinner yet,” he retorted. ”Of course, I'm not really hungry.”