Part 11 (1/2)

We closed the cabin door quietly behind us and once we were far enough so our flashlights couldn't be seen when we turned them on, Troyer held my arm.

”What?” I asked.

She looked at me. She didn't have to write her question down. I was starting to understand her facial expressions. She was asking me why we were doing this.

”I need a smoke,” I said.

She continued to look at me, her eyes hooded.

”Yes, that badly,” I said, trudging in front of her. I heard her follow behind me.

We were going to get Ben's cigarettes. I sure as h.e.l.l didn't know how, but we were going. If Nez could s.h.i.+mmy in that cabin twice and hook up with two different boys and not get caught, I was definitely going to be able to get in there and find the cigarettes hidden under Ben's mattress. I didn't even bother telling Troyer that I was bringing her with me because I knew what she had done at the stable. I was saving that in case I ever needed it.

”You'll go in first and check things out,” I said. ”You're so quiet they probably won't even notice you.”

I heard Troyer stop walking behind me. I turned and saw her arms smack at her sides.

”What?” I asked.

She tilted her head.

”Yes, I know this is for me,” I said.

Her head stayed tilted.

”Fine,” I said, ”I'll go in first.”

She nodded and we kept walking past the dining hall. I considered forgetting the cigarettes and breaking in there so I could sit on a real toilet. Flush a real toilet. Turn on a faucet with clean, cold water, not pump water. It was weird the things I'd started to miss. You would think it would be my cell phone, the Internet, music, even TV, but no, it was the feel of my a.s.s on cold porcelain. It was a shower without a time limit. It was a bed I didn't have to check for fleas.

It was froofy-smelling soap.

We hit the soccer field. The gra.s.s was high and wet with dew; I could feel the dampness coming through the legs of my uniform. I looked behind me-Troyer was still following. I could hear her breath, steady like the chug, chug, chug of a locomotive.

”Do you need a break?” I asked.

She shook her head, like she was saying, Let's get this over with.

I could feel the stars above me, so many of them that they were fighting for s.p.a.ce in the sky. So many that it seemed like some of them might fall out-overflow like a cup of soda fizzing over.

Overflow like the cup of feelings Rawe had described.

Obviously the feelings had always been there. The venom-like sickness that I felt-fear and repulsion, instead of the joy and excitement I should have felt if I were someone who wanted to have a baby, who could have a baby.

It had been there, was still there, but I'd managed until reading Amy's letter to keep it inside. Now it was out and my whole body felt exposed, like I had bathed in acid.

I felt my face burn, the shame and anger of what happened with Aaron slapping me in a new and even more embarra.s.sing way.

Searching out stale cigarettes was all I had to combat that now. With the words of Amy's letter affixed to my brain, I felt like anything I had even sort of believed about Aaron and me was a total sham. Sure, it had turned into s.h.i.+t before all this, but I had believed he really liked me, had real feelings for me. But now I knew I was just another girl he'd tried to fool-and I had fallen for it.

I had ruined myself for it.

I saw the boys' cabin in the distance and stopped. It was dark, so quiet, so much the place I should not be breaking into. But I had walked all the way here.

”I'll go in the side window like Nez,” I said. ”Since you don't want to go in, you wait here and be a lookout.”

Troyer took her pad and scribbled, How will I warn you?

It was a good question. It's not like she was going to yell, or make a hawk call, or any call for that matter. I doubted she could write loud enough for me to hear.

”Throw something,” I said.

I walked to the side of the cabin. The window was open.

Easy.

I took my boots off and only then wondered how I would be able to figure out which bed was Ben's without waking up the whole cabin. Well, except of course Nerone. I definitely should have listened to Nez instead of ignoring her when she discussed her and Ben's s.e.xcapades. At least to hear which bed they had been on.

I heaved myself up and into the dark cabin. Luckily, there was enough s.p.a.ce for me to get in without hitting either of the beds against the wall. I turned and looked at my boots on the ground outside. Hopefully a bear wouldn't come and eat them. Of course, if there was a bear around, it would probably eat Troyer, too.

My eyes were already adjusted to the dark and I could tell Eagan's bed right away, could see his braces s.h.i.+ning in the moonlight as he snoozed with his mouth open. I didn't know what the boys had done that day but they were surely as tired as we were, if not more so. Nerone was a total hard a.s.s, even if he did sleep like he was in a coffin.

I looked at the next bed. Stravalaci was snoring like he was saying achoo, over and over again. He didn't look so scary while he was sleeping. He kind of looked like a little boy. His hair was mussed and his mouth was open slightly-certainly not the face of someone who dreamed about guns and Nez's a.s.s.

Across the cabin I saw Leisner's and Ben's beds. Leisner was clutching his pillow to his chest like it was trying to float away. I considered sucker punching him, but his wailing would probably wake the whole cabin. Ben was sleeping on his side, his body moving up and down in his red sleeping bag, like a beating heart.

I would have to make one quick move, grab the cigarettes from under Ben's mattress and get the h.e.l.l out of there before he or anyone else heard me. I stood above Ben's bed and watched him breathe, watched his lips, realizing I could just as easily suffocate him or kiss him as take his smokes. People were so vulnerable when they were sleeping.

People were so vulnerable all the time.

I reached under his mattress, trying to keep the springs from creaking, trying to slow my heart even though I was so close to him, to his bed. I rooted around, flying blind, my hand going deeper and deeper but coming up empty.

I almost screamed when Ben grabbed my forearm. He didn't say anything, kept holding it tight, his skin on mine. So tight it kind of hurt. So tight I kind of liked it.

”Ca.s.sie,” he whispered. ”I knew you'd come.”

”Not for you, for smokes,” I hissed. I was trying to talk as little as possible. I was in a minefield of sleeping teenage boys.

”Nice excuse,” he said, still holding my arm. I could see his eyes s.h.i.+ning in the dark, dancing over my face.

”What stinks in here?” I asked. I'd smelled it when I first entered the cabin, but it was stronger now, noxious and rancid.

”Someone left a skunk in the pit toilet with Leisner the last time he took a leak,” Ben said.

”Someone?” I asked.

He shrugged.

I felt my arm go limp. Ben had defended my honor. Or maybe he just thought Leisner was as big a tool as I did. Either way, he was doing whatever he could to be my knight in s.h.i.+ning armor.

Unfortunately, I was no princess.